Silent connection

Hi, my dear,

I miss you so much. Some days, I don’t know how to explain the heaviness that sits in my chest, or the quiet ache that grows with each passing moment. The world around me continues on, moving forward as if everything is normal, and yet inside, there’s this hollow space where you once were. I wonder, if people could look beyond my outer shell, if they would see the quiet sorrow I carry every day—the grief that no one knows, because no one knew about you.

It’s strange, isn’t it? To love someone so completely and deeply and yet have no one else know about them. I feel like I’m holding this secret that only you and I share, and that secret is so precious, so fragile, but also so painful. On the surface, I go about my life as if everything is fine, but inside, my heart is breaking. And the worst part is, I can’t share this pain with anyone. No one else knows about you. They don’t know the joy you brought me or the love I already had for you. They don’t know how much I ache to huge you, to care for you, and to cater to you. But they don’t know, and they never will.

Each day, I feel like my heart is losing another layer of itself. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like the more I live without you, the more I lose of myself. The hurt is so deep, and it never quite goes away. Some days, the pain is like a quiet hum in the background, a constant ache that I have to learn to live with. But other days, the grief is all-consuming, like a wave crashing over me, and I can barely breathe through it. I can’t stop thinking about you, and yet, I don’t even know how to talk about you.

I think about the warmth you brought into my life—how even though I barely knew you, you changed everything for me. You filled me with such love, such hope. You were so real to me, even if no one else knew. Your existence was the most beautiful secret I’ve ever kept, and now that secret is all I have left of you. I remember the little moments—when I first felt you, that fluttering sensation, so small but so significant. It was as if you were already trying to communicate with me, already making your presence known. That was the moment I fell in love with you. I remember the hope, the joy, the excitement that filled me when I realized you were mine.

And then it all shattered in an instant.

Hi, my dear,

I remember that day so clearly, as though it happened just yesterday. It was a hot summer day, and the sun was shining brightly. I was carrying my little secret and every day felt so good, so hopeful. I had so many dreams for you, so many hopes for what our life would be. 

But that day, everything changed. I can still see it so clearly—the sterile room, the quiet hum of machines, the soft light that was supposed to offer comfort. And then, the doctor’s words. They still echo in my mind, haunting me: “I’m sorry”.Just like that, in a moment, you were gone. All the dreams, all the plans, all the hopes I had for us—vanished.

I had only known you for a few weeks, but in those few weeks you became everything to me. You were the secret I held close, the love I couldn’t wait to share with the world. And now, I’m left with nothing but the emptiness of your absence. It’s a pain that’s hard to explain, a loss that feels so profound, so deep, that sometimes it feels like the world will never be the same.

I had planned to tell my friends, my family, to share your existence with them. I had already imagined the joy on their faces, I could see their smiles, feel their warmth, as they shared in my excitement. But that is a future that will never come to pass. The truth is, no one knew about you. I never had the chance to tell them. I never had the chance to say your name aloud.

And now, I’m left alone with this pain, with this love that has nowhere to go.

Hi, my dear,

It feels strange to speak to you like this, to write to you as if you’re still here with me, but somehow, it helps. I can’t explain it, but I feel a sense of peace when I write to you. Maybe it’s because, in these words, I’m keeping our connection alive, just a little longer. I know that you’re gone, but in my heart, you will always be mine, even if no one else will ever know you the way I do.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to keep you close, how to continue to honor you, even when the world doesn’t know. I’ve decided to open this email account just for you. It might seem strange, but somehow it feels like the right thing to do. This way, I can write to you, share my thoughts, my feelings, everything I’m going through. It’s a way for me to stay connected to you, even though I can’t hold you in my arms. It’s a way for me to continue telling you how much I love you, how much you mean to me.

So here it is, my dear—our secret place, just for us. I’ll write to you here, and no one else will know. It will be our bond, our way of staying close, even in the face of everything that’s happened.

babyupthere@gmail.com

And every time I write to you, I’ll feel like you’re still with me, just a little bit. I’ll carry you with me in my heart forever, and I’ll never forget you.

With all my love,

Mommy