Can I Ask You Something

It’s a quiet Sunday evening, and as usual, Bob and Betty are sitting home doing nothing in particular. Bob places a bookmaker in the journal he’s reading and exhales slowly. He wants to talk to Betty about a subject but is uncertain how to broach the subject. After all, they are always home on the weekends because Betty doesn’t like going out or having anyone in for a visit to chat or play a game. Betty doesn’t like games. “They’re too competitive.”  Besides, she doesn’t like Bob’s friends but has none of her own. “People are boring.” Betty believes that she is more intelligent than most people. Having to interact with average people is a waste of her time. Betty is smart, but when she meets someone who is just as smart or smarter, Betty complains they don’t like her because they feel threatened. Then there’s the whole problem of her childhood, her health, being picked on, hated, being jealous of, or not listening to her woes regarding Bob himself.

They have been married for four years, and in the beginning, things seemed fine. Betty was always ready to please and go along with Bob’s ideas. They enjoyed parties and friends, went out to eat, or got together for holidays like New Year’s Eve or the Fourth of July fireworks.   After a few years, though, Betty began saying things like she was too tired or didn’t feel well. She lost interest in the people they knew, insinuating they were boring. Work became increasingly stressful, causing all types of discomforts, such as sore back, shoulders, neck, headaches, blurred vision, and so forth. The people with whom she worked were also to be considered idiots. She was the only one who really understood the job.

Confused about what brought on this seeming new behavior, he began reading articles and blogs online, seeking answers. That’s when Bob came across a list of fifty-two signs that indicate when someone is a covert narcissist.

Bob studies Betty sitting on the couch. She always seems to be scowling.  It’s not an angry scowl; it’s more like I smell something rotten scowl. Let’s just say it’s not a very inviting face.

“Betty?” Bob calls out her name while adding a little false chuckle to light his approach. “I was reading an article the other day that states people exhibit fifty-two different reactions in their everyday lives. Isn’t that fascinating? I hate to admit it, but I recognized a few in myself. I thought it might be fun if I read them to you to see if you recognized any yourself.”

 Betty stares at Bob in cold silence over the top of her reading glasses.

“Right. I’ll start at number one, so don’t say anything until I stop. Okay, Here we go.

1.     “Is passive-aggressive

2.     Criticizes and judges from the sidelines

3.     Is condescending and superior

4.     Is threatened by honesty and directness

5.     Swings between idealizing and devaluing him-/herself and others

6.     Denies and dismisses others’ feelings

7.     Cultivates a public image sharply different from his/her private behavior

8.     Identifies as a victim

9.     Is cynical and sarcastic

10. Makes unreasonable demands

11. Turns your problems into his/her dramas

12. Belittles and blames

13. Exploits and/or attacks others’ vulnerability

14. Is reactive to questioning or criticism

15. Plays on sympathies

16. Fakes or exaggerates illness/injury for attention

17. Withholds and stonewalls

18. Gaslights

19. Avoids introspection and lacks self-awareness

20. Uses platitudes in place of genuine insight

21. Denies own anger

22. Focuses on unfairness

23. Is envious and vengeful

24. Prefers to remain behind the scenes

25. Gossips

26. Triangulates

27. Holds a grudge

28. Needs reassurance

29. Is inattentive or annoyed when others talk

30. Has double standards

31. Hates to lose

32. Fixates on others’ problems and misfortunes

33. Flatters and fawns to win favor

34. Displays rage and contempt in private

35. Resists decision-making

36. Does not sincerely apologize

37. Avoids direct responsibility

38. Has an exaggerated sense of entitlement

39. Is impressed by the overt narcissist’s appearance of confidence

40. Lacks emotional empathy

41. Focuses on appearance over substance

42. Rushes to (false) intimacy

43. Is anxious and hypervigilant

44. Displays false humility and humblebrags

45. Is prone to paranoia and conspiracy theories

46. Crosses normative boundaries and codes of conduct

47. Pokes, prods, and pries

48. Feels special through association

49. Feels above the rules

50. Uses guilt and shame to control and punish

51. Expects caretaking

52. Conducts smear campaigns.”

“ So, what do you think? Does anything sound familiar?”

Betty pushes her glasses back up her nose. “No. I don’t, and furthermore I don’t even understand why you brought this list up. Are you saying there is something wrong with me?” Bob’s eyes grow wide as perspiration forms on his upper lip. “No! Not at all. I even said a few of them reminded me of myself.” Bob’s stomach is in a knot like it always is whenever he has to talk to Betty. It’s like tip-toeing through a minefield. Betty’s eyes narrow as she stares in disbelief. “It feels like I’m being analyzed. If you’re looking for an excuse to leave me, go! I’ve been alone all my life I don’t need you! Ever since I was little, I’ve been on my own. There were three kids in my family: my two sisters and I. The youngest had terrible asthma, so I was responsible for the other. We didn’t get along. She was always whining and complaining.  We grew up hating one another all because my mother would take the time to love me as much as she loved the baby. Then, when I went to school, if I got a B+, my parents would ask me why I didn’t get an A. I was never good enough! And now it seems I’m not even good enough for you. Just because I don’t like your idiotic friends? Because at thirty-nine years old, I still don’t want to go to hard rock bands. Grow up, will you! Once again, I’m the only one mature enough to handle everything. Well, I’m tired.  I work hard, long hours with people who don’t even know the heads from their assholes, but I suppose to listen to them because they’re my bosses! Yeah right! I’m crammed into this tiny workspace with all this noise around me, so I can’t think. My job is so stressful that I have a content headache and a stiff neck.  Then, when I get home, I can’t sleep at night because the dog wants to go in and out all the time, but no, you have to have a dog.” Bob stammers, “But I’m the one who lets Butchy out.” Betty screams, “It doesn’t matter who puts the damn dog out, I still have to witness it, and I can relax because of it. Don’t you understand? What am I saying? Of course, you don’t understand. It’s all about you! I’m going to bed!”

       Betty jumps up and slams her book down on the coffee table. She storms off to the bathroom to get ready. Bob leaves his recliner and walks into the kitchen to get a beer. When he returns, he retrieves a coaster from the drawer and places his beer on it. He picks up his iPhone and pushes the search button. Bob’s a one-finger man when typing, so he methodically types in “Ask a Lawyer” online. Bob takes a sip from his beer bottle and thinks for a moment. Smiling, he puts down the beer and types, “Is being married to a covert narcissist grounds for a divorce?” Bob continues smiling as he waits for the answer.