Tollhouse Pie

  “I think I’m ready to meet someone” Diane was at the cemetery talking with her deceased mother.

           “You wouldn’t believe how Donny and Dean Jr. are all grown up now.”

           Diane was talking about her two youngest brothers. They were only seven and twelve when their mom died of breast cancer.

           “That’s only her shell, that’s not her” Diane recalled the words she spoke at the visitation where their mom’s stiff body laid in an open casket. “Her life, her spirit, is no longer in her body” she tried to explain age-appropriately the mystery of death to two sad little boys.

           Diane wiped away a tear as she thought about her young brothers when their mom died. Diane, at that time, was a twenty-three-year-old single parent to her two-year old daughter, Tess.

Twenty-five years later, Diane was now forty-eight years old and single again. She had separated from her husband three years earlier. Those little boys were now men and were fathers to their own children.

“They are great dads” Diane conveyed the message to her mom with pride and hope that her mom’s soul would be happy to hear they fared ok after her death.

           Diane recited an Our Father and a Hail Mary before turning to head back to her car, then she did something she hadn’t done before.

           “Mom, could you…maybe…uh…give me a sign or something if it’s time for me to meet someone”? Diane whispered it so as not to appear foolish about asking. Seconds later, the largest deer she had ever seen startled her as it walked up to her mother’s headstone. Diane was half-intrigued and half-frightened. “Uh…ok…thanks mom…” she smiled nervously as she backed away from the headstone and quickly made her way to her car.

           Diane had made the stop at the cemetery before picking up her friends Winnie and Leah for a ‘girl’s night out.’

Winnie was a high school friend who moved away from their small Town after she got married.

           Leah was a friend who Diane had first met in Grade 7. They were always close friends. Leah lived down the block from Diane and they partied a lot together during the 80’s until Diane got pregnant in 1987. Leah had studied to become a Registered Practical Nurse and filled in as Diane’s birthing coach when she delivered her daughter Tess in 1988.

***

           Leah and Diane went through a time where they didn’t see much of each other after Diane met and married Joe who adopted Tess.

Joe and Diane moved to the City for Joe’s work and after only four years away moved back to Port River, the small Town where they both had grown up. It was another decade after moving back when Diane heard from another friend that Leah had lost her job at the hospital due to a drug-induced incident. Diane had also heard through the rumour mill that Leah was doing crack cocaine.

Diane decided to phone Leah one night to see how she was doing rather than continuing to ask others.

Diane had twenty-five years of sobriety. She had started attending Alcoholics Anonymous two years after she became a single parent and only a month before her mother died of breast cancer. Diane wondered if Leah had ‘hit her bottom’?

           “Hello” Leah’s voice surprised Diane when she answered after only one ring.

           “Leah?” Diane asked hesitantly.

           “Yeah, this is me” Leah chortled a bit, which made Diane wonder if she was drunk or high.

           “Hey, this is Diane. How are you?”

           “Well, uh…not very good” Diane knew Leah was speaking honestly even if she was drunk. Sometimes the truth becomes easier than the lie when all hope is lost. Diane knew that place of despair.

           “Would you like a coffee?”

           “Yeah” Leah said abruptly.

           “Ok…I’ll be right over.”

           Diane hung up and made her way to Leah’s house. The place was a disaster. There were towels and blankets lining the small kitchen and living room floors, and the back screen door swung open so her three large dogs could roam freely in and out even though it seemed as though they were welcome to urinate inside, as well a defecate. Diane couldn’t help but think it was like Leah was living in a large ‘doghouse’.

           They sat in the rundown gazebo that had a table and two chairs, and an ashtray heaping with cigarette butts.

           “Well, whaddoyou think of my place” Leah was swinging a bottle of tequila in her left hand as she smoked a cigarette with the other.

           “Wellll, it’s great” Diane lied, not knowing what else to say.

           “Yeah” Leah laughed her exuberant laugh as she looked at Diane with her large eyes that used to be ocean-blue but were now dulled to grey. “It’s a bit mmm-messy…juss like my life. Awww…Fffffuck…Fffffuck it…I don’t ffffffuckin’ care” she drifted back into her drunkenness.

           “Do you need help” Diane spoke directly to her.

           Leah looked at Diane with glazed eyes, tottered a bit in her stance, took another swig from her large bottle of tequila. For a split second, Diane wondered if she was going to throw it at her.

           “Y-y-y-yes I do” Leah’s tough guy exterior quickly subsided into a scared little girl.

           “Ok” Diane said. “First, you must sober up. I’ll be back tomorrow at noon and we’re going to have a talk with your mother. She needs to know what’s going on and how she can help you, not enable you”.

           “Ok” Leah was listening although Diane couldn’t be sure what she was hearing.

           The next day Diane approached Leah’s house with trepidation, uncertain whether Leah had continued to drink all night. Would she tell Diane to ‘get the fuck out of her house’ or would she not remember Diane’s visit from the previous night at all.

           Diane came around to the back door where Leah’s three large dogs stood barking in a non-threatening way. The blankets were still strewn about although Diane noticed there was a glimmer of light streaming through Leah’s kitchen window. Leah came out of her bedroom wearing a brightly coloured, large-patterned dress.

           “I went through the house and poured all the bottles down the drain” Leah announced to Diane.

           “Well, that’s awesome” Diane said back to her, trying to hide her surprise.

           “Betchya didn’t think I was gonna be here, huh?” Leah was laughing.

           “Welllll, I wasn’t sure…but I’m really glad you are” Diane’s eyes started to well up as she put her arms around Leah to give her a hug.

           Leah and Diane drove to Leah’s mom’s house, which was still located down the block from where Diane’s dad lived with his new wife, Ellie.

           They sat at the kitchen table in the well-kept home where Leah grew up. Diane knew her mother was a ‘caretaker’ in the codependency-type way of helping to the point of hurting someone. Diane had come to understand that caretakers try to take another person’s cares away, which can be loving although it can also set a person up not to take responsibility for their own life and always rely on or expect somebody else to do it for them. Diane did not doubt Leah’s mom’s love for her daughter.

           “Leah needs help” Diane was explaining to Leah’s mother. “She needs to go to treatment and when she gets out, she needs to do things for herself. She needs to learn to ask for what she needs. Her emotions will be all over the place and you will have to develop a thick skin.”

           Leah’s mom cried, but Diane knew she only wanted what was best for her daughter and was willing to do whatever it took to help her. Diane gave Leah’s mother a book called, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. A book that was a godsend to Diane throughout her recovery journey.

***

It was now eight years later, and Diane smiled as she thought about how Leah had embraced recovery as only the dying will do. She opened meetings, made coffee, spoke to struggling addicts, and gave away her amazing hugs. Her exuberant spirit and bright, blue eyes were back and on full display.

That’s why it was such a devastating blow when Leah received a diagnosis of Stage 4 cervical cancer. After a course of Chemotherapy and heavy radiation, Leah was preparing for a surgical procedure that aimed to remove the cancer from her pelvic area, which could mean taking her bladder too. Leah was hopeful that wouldn’t be the case.

           Then Leah had called Diane last week, “Welllll, I won’t be getting the surgery on my cervix and bladder after all.”

           “Oh, really! Why not?” Diane was hoping it meant the cancer had gone away or at least was in remission.

           “Welllll, uh…I don’t really want to tell you this over the phone….but….wellll….they found a spot on my lung….”

Diane’s mouth dropped open. No words available.

           “Soooo…..welll….” Leah filled the empty space. “They want to do a biopsy and see what’s going on there before they do anything else.”

           Diane was eager to talk more with Leah since that call although felt a bit nervous as she pulled into Leah’s driveway. Her front yard was beautifully manicured now with bright flower gardens and flowerpots adorning her front steps. Such a stark contrast to eight years earlier.

           “Hellooooo!!!! Howwww are you?” Leah greeted Diane with her genuine exuberance, and those amazing, clear, blue eyes that were as bright as the Ocean on a sunny day.

           “Hello there” Diane replied feeling grateful that Leah had put her at ease from the uncertainty she was feeling. “How are youuuuu?” Diane looked at Leah with concern.

           “OK. Listen! I don’t know anymore than I’ve told you. There’s a spot on my lung. I go for a biopsy next week. That’s it.” Leah could be head strong and Diane had come to know that when Leah put her foot down about something it was hard to make her budge. “Sooooo….” Leah took on a lighter tone, “I want to hear everything about you and Winnie tonight. I want to hear about life and living. I don’t want to go out tonight feeling sad”.

           “Got it!” Diane smiled with admiration at Leah. She was such a warrior, and Diane was grateful to have her back in her life.

           Winnie, Leah and Diane had confirmed through earlier texting that they would do a Lodge tour for their ‘girl’s night out’. They decided on the Shady Roost Resort for appetizers, the Turtle Island Lodge for dinner and the Eagle’s Nest Lodge for, “TOLLHOUSE PIE!” Diane’s favourite dessert.

           They talked and talked with ease as they munched on appetizers and sipped their drinks. Winnie had wine, and Leah and Diane drank diet sodas.

           Winnie was beautiful. She and her husband Levi both had successful careers. They had a beautiful home in an upscale neighborhood of the city. They drove brand new cars, and they dressed in the latest fashion trends. Winnie had large, dark eyes and an athletic build. She was active and intelligent. She was raised upper class by a staunch Catholic mother who was none-too-pleased when Winnie started hanging with the ‘party crowd’ in high school and then became pregnant at the age of sixteen by Cole, who was not known for his athletic prowess, or his academic record, but rather his odd behaviour with cats in the neighborhood.

           Cole did, however, stand by her when she had her daughter, River, whom her mom and dad promptly raised when they sent Winnie off to College in the City. She met Levi upon her return from college and they married quickly and moved away.

           Diane always felt insecure when Winnie was around as she garnered the attention Diane usually got in their hometown. Diane enjoyed talking with Winnie though. Winnie didn’t attend 12-step recovery, but she was working on herself through therapy.

           “How’s the counselling been going?” Diane asked Winnie who was sitting across the table from her wearing stylish dark sunglasses and sipping her white wine.

           “Oh, it’s good” Winne set her wine glass down. “She keeps trying to get me to connect with my inner child, and I just…I just can’t do it. I can’t connect with her.”

           “Yeah, it’s difficult” Diane said. “I remember, for me, it was like I didn’t know what to say to my ‘little Diane’. I had to ask my counsellor for suggestions on how to speak to her in an encouraging, healthy way, instead of shaming her for her feelings or ignoring her.”

There she was again. Diane, the consummate recovery guru sharing her experience, strength and hope after spending 25 years attending 12-step meetings. From Alcoholics Anonymous to Overeaters Anonymous to Codependents Anonymous with a sprinkle of Al-Anon and Narcotics Anonymous, Diane had tried about everything to fill that hole inside of her. If there had been a meeting for Workaholics available in their small Town, Diane would’ve attended those too.

           “Yeah, I’ll keep trying. She gave me a book that I think will help” then Winnie pulled down her glasses and looked directly at Diane, “Sooooo, what about you? Have you met someone yet?”

           “Well, that’s funny you should ask cuz I do think I’m ready” Diane told them about her visit with her mom at the cemetery and how that big deer came out after she asked her mom for a sign.

           “I just want to be a whole person that meets another whole person, and we walk together” Diane and Joe had been separated for almost three years. Diane used the time to grieve and to heal from the toxic parts of her marriage to Joe who was a kind-hearted, compassionate, hard-working man, and also an opiate addict. Diane was a 25-year recovering alcoholic, drug addict, overeater, workaholic, and codependent who thought it was her mission in life to ‘fix’ her husband.

           It was in a treatment centre for Codependency in Bowling Green, Kentucky where Diane learned that if she didn’t let go of the rope she was holding for her husband, she too would drown.

           “That’s awesome! Good for you!” Winnie clapped her hands together in excitement for Diane. “I’m glad you’re ready to start moving forward in your life.”

           Diane noticed Leah smiling at her and Winnie and could tell she was delighting in their lives as she probably wondered how much longer hers would be.

           “Wow! It’s already 9:00!” Winnie announced as she looked down at her black Apple watch.

           “Oh, really?! Diane was surprised at how fast the time had flown by. “Hmmm…I don’t know if we’ll be able to get dinner at Turtle Island now?” They all agreed that the appetizers had been enough for dinner anyway.

           “Ok…well, it’s off to the Eagle’s Nest for Tollhouse Pie then.” Diane announced.

           They all packed into Diane’s green Subaru and made their way down the winding, hilly, tree-lined highway as the sun began to set.

           “Fuck!!! I missed the turn.” Diane banged the steering wheel with her open hands.

           “Oh, that’s ok” Winnie spoke up. “I have to get up early and pack anyway.”

           “Yeah, and my mom’s taking me on a shopping trip tomorrow morning” Leah piped in.

           “Fuck that!” Diane was adamant and exclaimed with both humour and force, “I want Tollhouse Pie!” and proceeded to do a U-turn in the middle of the dark highway.

           They walked into the lounge at the end of the hallway after passing the dining room where a few guests still sat at lantern-lit tables.

           The lounge had a horseshoe-shaped bar top and large, round high-top tables in front of the bar.

           Diane quickened her pace to catch the server that she noticed standing by the bar, passing one of the round tables where a group of people were sitting.

           “Hey Diane” Diane heard someone call her name and looked over to see Matt Beck. Matt was a hometown boy who had made his way into the NHL and played professional hockey for almost ten years. His claim to fame was that he played on a line with the ‘great one’ himself, Wayne Gretzky. Although Diane didn’t know Matt well, she was good friends with his mother because they had worked together on fundraising events for the hospital. After losing her own mother, Matt’s mother Jan was both a mentor and a friend to Diane. A woman Diane admired and enjoyed spending time with.

           Diane waved back and smiled although she did not lose her focus on finding out if she could still order Tollhouse Pie.

           “Great. Thank you!!” Mission accomplished. The server accepted Diane’s order for two Tollhouse Pie’s. Even though Leah and Winnie didn’t seem all that interested in having one, Diane got one for them to share because she wanted one all to herself.

           Matt was still trying to get Diane’s attention and beckoned her over to his table, where he was with his wife, Lee. There was another couple with them….and…..and….who was that with them? An excitement filled Diane’s entire body.

           “Why don’t you and your friends join us?” Matt was a bit intoxicated and acting more sociable than Diane knew him to be.

           Diane asked Leah and Winnie if they wanted to join Matt's group and for some reason felt quite relieved when they answered, “Sure!”

           Matt proceeded to introduce everyone to everyone.

           “And Diane, this is Steve Howard.”

           Diane looked up at Steve Howard. Their eyes locked as if they knew each other from a different time and space. A familiarity that was beyond physical recognition. Diane knew without a doubt that her mom was there in the room as she took her seat beside Steve just as the server set down her Tollhouse Pie. Then Steve leaned over and asked Diane, “have we met before”?

To be continued…