Birds

I lost my job in the winter. To be honest, I was happy to be unemployed. I had worked so hard that I felt I needed rest. A couple of months dedicated to myself would not be bad until I got the next job. I would finally have time to practice yoga in the mornings, learn to bake cakes and, why not, read some gossip magazines that I hadn’t had the chance to touch since I was twenty.

Jack came to the bed before leaving for work.

“Honey, will you be good?”

“Of course I will,” I said.

“Text me if you need anything.” He kissed me in the forehead.

I was alone in the apartment. Where do I start? I would maybe take a long shower, those that you can only afford when you have all the time in the world, and think about imaginary discussions with your high school archenemy or conversations you would have with that famous actor you liked very much. Later, I would go to the grocery store and do the laundry. Those were my obligations for the day. The rest was all mine.

I prepared a coffee and sat on the balcony. The winter sun touched the side of our living room during the mornings, and it warmed my skin so much that I was in my pajamas without the need of a sweater. I lit a cigarette. I didn’t usually smoke, but I wanted to give myself a present. The fresh air went through my trousers and the sun warming my skin gave me goosebumps. I slid my hand down my belly, under my trousers. Between my legs, I was wet. I began to masturbate. I had not done it for a very long time, and it felt incredible. I didn’t need to imagine anyone; just the picture of me touching myself on the balcony turned me on. I opened my eyes for a moment. There was a bird standing on the balustrade. It was a small gray bird, hopping on both legs and staring at me. It made me feel uncomfortable, like I was being observed, and I went back inside. I couldn’t focus anymore so I left my sexual delight for later. I prepared a sandwich and went back to the balcony. The bird was still there, but it flew away when I opened the door.

I did the laundry, and I went back to the balcony to use the last moments of direct sun. I took a magazine I bought last week. An article of a girl caught on the street holding hands with a guy who was not her husband was the main theme. Boring. I lit another cigarette. It had been so long since I could do literally nothing, just sit and contemplate the park in front of our building. The winter left the trees barren, but the park still had an overall pale green color. The city didn’t care much about that park, and on the grass, a bunch of wild weeds grew, making it an untamed area. On a tree, I noticed a bird standing. It was the same bird that visited me before on the balcony, or at least it looked like the same one to me. I called it Greytone.

The rest of the day was peaceful. I went to the grocery store, prepared lunch and not much more. When Jack came home, I was sitting in the living room in front of my laptop, pretending to be looking for job offers.

“Hi, honey. How was your day?” he asked.

“It was good. I was just looking for job offers. Nothing interesting.”

“Don’t worry about that, you will find something soon for sure.”

I was totally not worried about that. I didn’t wish to find a job soon. I wanted to enjoy my freedom for a while.

I developed some routines. I woke up early in the morning at the same time as Jack. When he left, I sat on the balcony with a coffee, and I smoked a cigarette. It was the best time of the day. The morning sun, the view of the park, the calmness, and the almost forgotten feeling of being alone without any pressure... And the sound of the birds. I began to observe them, and I tried to identify them by colors and their singing. Greytones were easy ones; they were common, and their sound was familiar to me. Sometimes, one of them would come to the balcony while I was sitting and observed me like I observed it. Blackstones were bigger than Greytones and sang a precious melody that I could listen to for hours. I noticed they waited until other birds stopped singing to start their chirp. Birds were far more polite than humans. We were always eager to talk and we gave the sound going out of our own mouths too much importance. People loved to listen to themselves, but they didn’t want to hear what others had to say.

The weeks passed, and I developed my skills in finding birds – it became my obsession. I bought binoculars to observe them better. I looked like I was stalking our neighbors. I could spend hours just trying to catch them and follow their movements. Some of them left and others came with the arrival of good weather. They flew thousands of kilometers every year to live in the perfect temperature for them. They wouldn’t stay in a place they didn’t like. I didn’t like this city, for example. Well, I liked it in the summer, but not in the winter. I could also fly away and go to a warmer country in the winter and come back in the summer. Why not? I didn’t have a job anyway. And I didn’t want to work at the moment either.

One sunny spring morning, while I was observing a couple of Redwings, I had a weird feeling on my arm, like something scratched my skin from the sleeves of my shirt. I took off my shirt, and I noticed a small gray patch on my skin, like a tiny furry spot. I thought it was just a little bit of dust, so I put my shirt on again.

The next day, I had the same kind of feeling in my other arm and my back. I thought I got scabies or something like that, but I didn’t want to visit a doctor. I felt hungry, and I wanted nuts or something hard and salty on a whim. I went to the grocery store, and I bought a big bag of sunflower seeds. I had never bought sunflower seeds before, and they were delicious. That wooden flavor and the hard skin breaking between my teeth was incredible. Why had I never bought them? I ate the whole bag.

The itching on my skin was annoying me, and now I had it all over my back as well. I went to the bathroom to check if I had any bump or rash. I was shocked. My whole body was covered by a smooth gray fur. I looked closer. They looked like small feathers, those that small chicks had. I got scared at the beginning, but surprisingly, I didn’t give it much weight. I continued doing my things.

When Jack came home that evening, I wore a t-shirt that made visible all my small feathers.

“Honey, I’m a little worried about you,” he said. I didn’t know how I would explain the sudden rise of feathers on my skin. I had no idea what was going on either.

“Why?” I pretended I didn’t know what he was talking about.

“You’ve been looking for a job for almost three months, and you haven’t gotten any. This is not important, but I think you are spending too much time at home without doing anything. You could sign up for some activities, a gym, a lecture club...”

“What? What are you talking about? What about my skin?”

“What do you mean? What happened to your skin?”

I couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen my feathers. I ran into our room and closed the door. I observed myself in the mirror. My skin was covered with feathers, and they were bigger compared to when I first saw them in the morning. The pale gray color had changed to a darker carbon gray, and some of them started to get a beautiful orange color. For the first time, I enjoyed looking at them, and I admired myself in front of the mirror. I opened my arms, and I turned and jumped across the room, contemplating how the feathers danced with my movements. Good that Jack didn’t come to the room at this time, because he would think I went crazy.

The next morning, Jack left our flat without saying a word. It was okay for me; he was probably still shocked about my feathers, and he needed some time to accept it. I decided to embrace the new me. Me with feathers. I noticed that more birds than ever came to visit me on the balcony, maybe attracted by the sunflower seeds I ate the day before, or just curious about the big bird they had in front.

Jack didn’t come home to the flat alone. Jessica, my friend from childhood, was with him.

“Hi, honey! Look who came with me.”

“Hello, Jessica! What are you doing here?” I asked.

“We haven’t seen each other in a long time. Jack texted me and asked if I could come.”

“You could have also texted me,” I said.

“Honey...” Jack looked more serious. “I’m worried about you. We are worried about you. You’re spending the whole day at home on the balcony without doing anything. I’m not saying you should look for a job, but at least go out, do a course, swim...”

“You could come with me to yoga,” said Jessica. “I go in the mornings...”

“What are you talking about?” I said. “What about my skin? You’re saying this because you don’t accept me like I am!” I took off my T-shirt to show my beautiful feathers, and I moved my arms up and down to make them shine.

“Honey, please!” Jack looked angry. “Stop with this! Dress yourself!”

“What happened to your skin?” Jessica tried to sound calm, but I could see that she was confused.

“Come, Jessica,” said Jack, “I’ll drive you home.”

They left me in the living room alone. I heard Jack thanking Jessica for coming. I didn’t understand why she had to come. And I couldn’t believe they didn’t comment on my feathers.

I went out to the balcony. The twilight left pink traces in the sky, which reflected beautifully on my shiny gray and orange feathers. I reclined on the balustrade and put first one leg over and then the other, holding the railing with one hand. The view of the park was astonishing, the green already returning with spring. Some trees were flourishing, and the birds flew in groups, playing and flirting, celebrating the longer days. I looked up at the sky, and in a brief moment of courage, I jumped to fly. To fly away. And I never came back.