Dear diary, why is insomnia caused?

Dear diary,

Sleeping, is no longer something I do. Something I can't do, so at night I lay here and stare at the shadows, I wonder about them, like what would they say if they could talk? What have they seen? Were they someone's shadow? If they were what happened to them to put them on the walls of my room. I also stare at the moving lights on the ceiling when the cars go by. I wonder what the people driving the cars are doing out at 3am? Where are they going in such a hurry? I listen to the sounds of the house, like the furnace, it goes on every few minutes, the sump pump, going on and off. The cat running around, and the dog snoring beside me. The train passing by triggering the coyotes to start howling. The sound of the frogs. I have music in, it's the only thing that passes the time, some nights it feels like days before the sun rises, sometimes it feels like the sun will never rise. Sometimes its classical music, others it's rap or rock, anything to get my mind of off him. At night, I'm left alone with my feelings I hate being left alone with my thoughts and feelings, because they know how to torture me worse than a whip, worse than having my face carved off while I'm alive. They know everything about me, how to get under my skin and crawl around. How to miss someone, to love someone that doesn't love me back. I think about him alot, but so much more at night, I miss him. He moved away 1 year ago, out of my reach, out of my life, like he had never existed. It hurts me so much that he is gone and I'll probably never see him again. 1 year ago marks when I stopped sleeping, I just can't sleep with knowing that he is not here anymore, not knowing if he is alive. I guess people that didn't know him would classify him as a " bad boy " and they don't mess with him. People that know of him classify him as an " f-boi ". But none of these people know him like I do, he was a troubled kid, he has been watching he parents fall out of love, watching his mother loose her sight, her mobility, his father smoking and drinking, beating him, taking his anger out on him. He is such a sweet kid, he doesn't deserve it, there were times when I skipped class to go to him, comfort him, to love him for who he was. We were 13 when we met. I remember him walking into the room and being intimidating. He was tall for his age, his hair was styled and had lots of gel in it. His eyes were like the colour of the ocean, bright, like the ocean with sun on it. Ice blue with green specks. I was taken and interested. But I'd figured that he was just a rich stuck up boy, which he was. To the outside world at least, it wasn't until grade 8 that I'd noticed him staring at me alot. The summer of grade 7 had changed him alot. He was taller, slimmer, and toned, his voice was deeper and his hair was messy and curly now. That was when I realized he was so much more than that, he was, a person with so many levels. He was amazing, nothing ever became of this, but when I think back, I realize I really did love him when I first saw him, I still do. He's all I think about, I worry about him. He started getting into drugs, he trys stuff all the time, and it scares me that he might vanish of the face of the earth. He started drinking like his father. I'm scared and worried everyday. Almost every night I wonder where he moved. I guess if I was supposed to know, I'd know, right??

I've opened my window, and smelling the night air, mmmh something about night air is so damn nice, it's calming, it's fresh, it's crisp and cool. So many unknown things in the dark, lurking, waiting, watching. The moon is full tonight, the moonlight casts a beam of light through my window onto my face, it's surprisingly bright. The dark is a very interesting thing, I mean whoever said we had to sleep at night, why are we so easily controlled? Why does something or someone out there want to control us so badly? What other life is out in space, if any at all? Darkness is an amazing thing, it gives is the ability to see so much more, even if it doesn't look like it. The Opportunity to look out the window and see venus out your window, and it's nowhere close to earth, is that not amazing? How big is space? Where does the human race fit in? Do we not just ruin everything we come across? Every living thing, anything between us and money? Is it not sad that the whole world relies on one thing? The thing that makes people go crazy? Money. Man cursed itself when Eve ate the apple, and even more when Adam ate the apple. Humans are weak creatures. I mean look at me, I lay awake for days at a time thinking about things, life, and about him. What is he doing right now? Is he awake thinking about me? Is he even alive? But there is not much you can do about true love. Even if we are meant to be, we will always find our way back to each other, so I guess I'm trying to say, I love him, and I would do anything for him.

So, I guess this is where I end it, where i say goodbye to him, to myself. So, goodbye, maybe I'll sleep tomorrow night, I mean, I've got all the time in the world, I'm only 15 after all. A 15 year old with insomnia, a 15 year old that hates being alone, a 15 year old that loves a boy that does not love her back. But she knows that she would still die for him. That 15 year old is me.