Resurgence

“The weather is a bit shitty today” I said, with my forehead gently pressed against the window, listening to each drop of rain as they’re falling. I turn my head to face my boyfriend, Ray, sitting in the driver’s seat, with a smug look on his face. I keep staring while biting my lip trying to think of ways to engage him.

“What?” He notices me. “Sorry, I’m driving.” He says.

“You text while driving and you’re telling me you’re too focused to have a little small talk?” Bullshit. He has something else on his mind. He has become pretty distant recently. Close by, but not present. I wonder what I’ve done to have my partner despise me this much. In general, he’s always been a bit of a drama queen, so I try not to hold the full blame on myself.

We turn right off the road and are met with these big gates that read “Welcome” over the top. There are a few families here today but no school buses full of whiny children. A man in overalls and a wicker hat approaches our car and Ray rolls his window down.

“Good morning guys, our apples are just perfectly ripe this morning, you picked a good time.” The man says followed by a chuckle. I lean over Ray’s lap to look at him out the window.

“Good morning to you as well sir, you’ll have to excuse my boyfriend’s attitude today, he’s not usually like this once he’s been fed.” I say sarcastically.

“Oh, that’s alright ha ha. You kids have a good time out there today.” I sit back in my seat as Ray nods him off and pulls into the parking lot towards the left of the main entrance.

We park the car and I watch Ray reach for the door handle as he stuffs his keys into the side pocket of his cargo-style shorts.

“Ray, wait” I place my hand on his right forearm. We stopped using terms of endearment after the last time we got back together. He pauses and looks at me as I bite the inside of my cheek. “I’m really happy we are here together today, sorry for being an ass.” He lays his eyes on me, softly, while smirking.

“Yea, no problem.” He says, barely moving his lips. We step out and a tiny sun is beginning to peer out from around the clouds. We enter the main building to pay our admissions and pick up our bags for the apple picking. We rarely go on any fun dates.

I tell Ray I’ll be back and run off to the bathroom for a minute. As I’m standing in front of the sinks, I can see in the mirror there is a little girl standing just beside me. She’s staring at me, as little kids do, and I flash her a smile. She watches me wash my hands for a minute before we make eye contact again.

“Miss,” she begins. “what’s your name?” I’ve always loved little kids; I don’t mind her curiosity.

“My name is Sarah, what’s yours?” I crouch down so I’m at eye level with her, putting one knee on the floor.

“I’m Ariel.”

“Wow that is such a pretty name, I’m jealous. You know that’s a princess name, right?” I see her eyes filling with excitement. “And who’s this?” I asked, pointing to the baby doll that’s clutched by her side. She pulls the doll in front of her.

“This is my baby, Isabella, but I call her baby Izzy.”

“Baby Izzy is very cute, Ariel.”

“Do you have a baby?” She asks. I look down for a second and lean in a bit closer when I look back up.

“Can I tell you a secret, Ariel?” Her mother just now exits the stall and meets us at the counter. The little girl looks at her mom and gives me a quick nod. “My baby is in my belly, she’s not quite as big as your baby yet.” Ariel’s mom places her hand on her daughter’s shoulder while grinning at me.

“Congratulations.” She tells me as I stand back up. I mouth the words thank you and turn around to see Ray standing just outside the door, waiting impatiently. I’ve obviously been in here longer than a minute.

I walk out of the bathroom with the girl and her mother following close behind me. She waves bye and they enter the orchard together.

“Made a new friend in there?” He asked me while finally starting to show some personality for the first time today. I give him a kiss and take one of our two bags from his hand.

As we walk through the orchard, coming up and down each row of trees, we begin collecting apples. The old guy from earlier was right, these apples are perfectly ripe. The shiny red fruits light up the sky around us, as my brain begins to flood with memories of simpler times.

Ray and I didn’t always have this hostility between us. We met a little over a year ago, blind date. We hit it off right away, we couldn’t say goodbye to each other when it started getting late. I felt something with him I hadn’t felt before, it was like I had known him for ten years already. There was never that awkward shyness between us. I can hardly put into words the sheer euphoria I felt when I was beside him, but he gave me this sense of calmness and safety which I later found was called love.

Our honeymoon phase of the relationship lasted a couple of months. He had started becoming distant, making reasons why he didn’t want to go out or how he wasn’t in the mood to have sex. I brushed it off the first couple of times, but I grew more suspicious when he would take all day to answer my texts. I didn’t want to believe what I already knew; there was another woman. I sat him down and said

“Please just be honest, who is she?” To my surprise, as well as my dismay, he confessed everything. That I was just one of his girlfriends. One of God knows how many. I ran out of the room.

You wouldn’t think that two months into a relationship would be enough time to build such a dependency on a person but there was something about his nature that just kept reeling me in. I remember wanting to cry so bad and being unable to. I was hurt but I was angry and confused. How could this all be a lie? We spent fall nights sitting on the hood of his parked car with the gentle wind barely making any noise as leaves blew around us. Holding hands, singing our favourite songs together, talking about our future and what our wedding would be like. This was the type of romance you read about; the type of shit they tell you only exists in movies. I should have known it was too good to be true, a handsome man like him wouldn’t settle for a girl like me. Why would he? He could have any girl he wanted, and nobody had to tell him that.

When we rekindled the first time, towards the end of winter, we were back to square one. Late night car rides and deep conversations. He actually told me he loved me. I had the same hopes as last time, but I lowered my expectations, which was a good idea because our history was repeating itself, and he was growing distant. He told me this time there was no other woman he was seeing that he was all in it for me, I just couldn’t figure out what his problem was.

“If it’s anything that has to do with work, family, or whatever else, you know I’m here for you, talk to me… please.” I remember telling him. He said how bad he wanted me in his life, and I trusted this, but he didn’t need me, and whether it was intentional or not, he made this very known.

No matter how much I loved this man, I acknowledged that our story was ill-fated, and I moved on. For a short while I had started dating again, and I was having fun and finally not thinking about him.

That was until Ray got sick. He was hopeless and depressed, and he called on me to be by his side through it. Of course, I dropped everything I cared about to take care of him. I snuggled into his hospital bed with him and rubbed his back every night. We learnt so much more about each other during that time and I felt closer to him than ever before, I thought at this point our relationship was steel tight.

That couldn’t be the ending though, it wasn’t time for our happily ever after finale yet. As soon as he got better, I heard he was around town with another woman. I had to barf when I found out this was true. No way is this man risking everything we just built together through all the bullshit, all the hardships. The literal definition of ‘unbelievable’. I was not going to do this again; I couldn’t put myself through it.

This is our third try at us together, they say third time’s a charm, right? This time has been so different. No honeymoon phase, we know each other too deeply now to entertain that juvenile love.

You know, I always enjoyed my school’s annual apple picking field trip as a child. There’s something about being outside, enjoying God’s creation of nature that puts your mind at ease. Psychologists will tell you to add some plants to your office to de-stress yourself and being out here in these fields are having just the same effect.

I feel peaceful and relaxed although my thoughts are not clear right now. It’s like living in a town that’s neighbouring a tornado beginning to conjure up. You can see the grey skies in the distance, you can feel the wind crashing into your windows, but it’s still peaceful where you are. You know it’s coming, and you’re subconsciously preparing for it, but you’re also holding onto hope that somehow, it’s going to pass by you completely and you won’t have to move into action.

We see the little girl from earlier walk by with her mom and two nearly full bags of fresh, juicy apples. I smile again at the family before turning to Ray.

“Do you want kids, Ray?” He grabbed my hand and smiled at me.

“Of course, I want like five. I’m going to be a good dad, teach my son how to get girls and play soccer.” The cool thing about apple picking is that you can get exactly what you want. It’s not the same at a grocery store where maybe you’ll find a bag with a couple really good ones with the sacrifice of a few nasty bruised ones.

In life, we pick our own fruits. We have different privileges and teachings that could impact our fruit-picking ability, but we are in control of making the best of what we’ve got.

With all the families here today, it brings a clarity to my heart and gut and I know what I want. I want to be back here in a year’s time ready to make new memories with my family.

I take a deep breath and swallow. Ray’s phone rings.

“Just a second, it’s a work thing.” He runs off just ten yards away. A few minutes go by and I can’t wait any longer. I approach him from behind and I get as close as five feet behind him when I hear him say “I wish I was with you too, baby” and something tells me it’s not his mother on the other end of this call.

I feel my heart sink and my mouth dry up. He doesn’t even care enough about me anymore to be sneaky and try to protect my feelings. What has happened to us? Our impeccable love had faded.

“Ray,” he turns around with a blank expression of shock, one that I know too well. “I am pregnant.”