Fourteen Weeks

This story addresses the thoughts and emotions associated with the risks of a preterm delivery and extended hospital stay.

On the day of her induction, Erin was wide-awake at five am. She stared up at the dark hospital ceiling for what felt like an eternity, a thousand thoughts racing through her brain. What if we’re making a mistake? Are we sure the steroids had enough time to work? Will the NICU take her away? What if I have a c-section? She rolled over in bed and stared at the lump of blankets on the reclining chair across from her. Her husband. He was snoring lightly, and on his chest she could see the outline of the book they were reading to the baby. They had been doing this nightly for the last month, hoping their daughter would inherit their love for reading. Their daughter- who they were about to meet in less than 24 hours. Her heart hammered out a strange rhythm in her chest.

Erin sat up and decided that if she wasn’t going to sleep, neither was her husband.

“Nick! Nick! Nick!” She tossed her pillow, hitting him in the face. He woke up suddenly and the book slid off his chest onto the floor. 

“Huh? Wha-?” He jumped up and ran over to her. “What’s wrong? Is it the baby?”

Erin shook her head and sighed. “No, she’s okay. I’m just- ugh I’m so anxious, and I dunno, maybe we’re moving too fast. Maybe I should try to keep her in for another week. We’ve made it this far haven’t we?” She ran a hand through her hair, trying to ignore the fact that it had been months since she’d had a manicure. In her perfect world she would have gotten waxed, a proper blowout, and a mani/pedi before her induction. But that ship sailed long ago. She now considered it a good day if her hair was washed. That’s what almost four months in a hospital did to you.

Nick let out a breath, grabbed her other hand, and pressed a kiss to it. “Hon, we’ve talked about it with the doctors, remember? And everyone agrees that thirty-four weeks is the right decision. She’s cooked now, and it’s much safer for her to be out.” He smiled that charming smile that made her fall in love with him all those years ago back in college- that same smile that had cheered her up her during the darkest time of her life. Nick yawned and reached for his glasses. “And as you say, we’ve made it this far. I don’t think we should tempt the universe much more. It’s already been generous enough.”

Scoffing, Erin looked over at the dark computer screens and fetal monitor machine that stood imposingly next to the bed. For the last four months she had been hooked up to that machine like a lifeline. Between serial blood pressures, temperature checks, and endless non-stress tests, she was a long-term resident in “mommy jail” as they called it. “I hardly think having my water break at twenty weeks is considered generous,” she retorted.  

It had been the worst day of her life. Her mind flashed back to that winter morning, standing up from the breakfast table and feeling that “pop” and rush of warm liquid that she wasn’t supposed to expect for another five months. During that never-ending drive to the hospital, she prayed and prayed that it was merely an episode of incontinence, but deep down she knew. She checked in on that dull Tuesday afternoon, and she never left. 

Nick squeezed her hand and reached over the table to turn on the bedside lamp. The space filled with a soft yellow glow, revealing the contents of room 4430, the place they had both called home for the remainder of Erin’s pregnancy. They had tried their best to hide the sterility, and make it as comfortable as possible. Fairy lights hung on the walls along with pictures of their family and their fur baby Milo. Erin’s mother had purchased a simple bedding set, and even knitted a chunky white blanket that was perfect for afternoon naps once she made it to her third trimester. The patient fridge stood in the corner and was filled to the brim with fresh fruit (Erin had craved blueberries all throughout the pregnancy) and leftovers that Nick’s sister brought over from the family restaurant. One could only eat so much hospital food.

“We’re going to have to pack all this up before the induction,” Erin lamented, realizing how much work needed to be done. Why are we doing this now? Clearly we’re not ready.

“Your mom’s coming this afternoon to help out, don’t worry. We got this.” Nick threw his arm around his wife and they leaned back against the bed. “Why don't we watch some TV? It’ll help you relax.” 

They flipped through channels, eventually deciding on old Friends reruns. Erin settled in and let herself enjoy the next hour, trying to push away the intrusive thoughts that kept ricocheting in her head like a pinball. 

At six thirty, she couldn’t take it anymore. She had to get up. “I might go for a walk, clear my head.” She pulled on a fluffy pink robe with the words “Hot Mama” written on the back, a birthday gift from her best friend. Her bump was big enough now that the robe fit a bit more snugly than it first did. She slipped into an old pair of Teva sandals and struck her best movie star pose, her messy bun bouncing as she moved. “How do I look?”

Nick gave her a look of pure love and pulled her to him with a kiss. “Perfect. Even more beautiful than our wedding day.” 

“Wow, I’m sorry we spent so much money on hair and makeup then! Could’ve saved a fortune.” She grabbed her face mask before opening the door, stepping into the fluorescent filled hallway. This is the last time I’ll be walking these halls. 

As she walked towards the nurse’s station, she heard hushed whispering and laughter followed by a “shush!” She turned the corner to find at least fifteen of the nurses huddled around the desk blowing up balloons and writing on a large pink banner. She could faintly make out the word ‘Congratulations!’ written in hot pink glitter.

Tanya, the night shift charge nurse, saw her first. “Erin!” Her eyes widened and the rest of the staff turned around and immediately tried covering up their art project with their hands. Erin recognized several of them from the day shift as well. What were they all doing here already? Shift change wasn’t for another thirty minutes.

“Hey guys!” She peered over Tanya’s shoulder to get a better peek at the sign. “What’s all this?”

Rebecca, Erin’s favorite nurse, shook her head and guided her gently away from the station. “Nope, nope, nothing for you to see here.” Erin laughed and she stomped her foot in fake anger. “What are you doing up so early? The one day you don’t come out of the room before nine?”

“I’m just going for a walk. Can’t sleep. The thought of having this baby today is making me sick.”

Rebecca’s eyes softened as she squeezed Erin’s elbow. “Big day today.” 

She always knew how to talk Erin off the edge- she had the right thing to say for every situation. It had been her who triaged Erin the day she came in- she remembered it like it was yesterday. After the doctor left to allow the couple a moment alone, Rebecca came forward. She sat down on the bed with her and took her hands in hers. “This is going to be a long battle, but you’re a fighter. You will get through it, and you are not alone here.” That moment stuck with Erin through all the hard times over the past few months. Every antibiotic dose, every preterm labor scare, the endless ultrasounds and doctor consults- Erin reminded herself that she was fighting for her daughter, and it always made the situation a bit better.

Rebecca motioned towards the elevators. “Tell you what- go for your walk and when you come back, things’ll be much better.” She winked. “Just take a long one. Don’t be back here before shift change!”

Forty-five minutes (and a chocolate croissant from the cafeteria) later, Erin strolled back onto the high-risk antepartum unit that had been her home for the past ninety-eight days. Except that this time, the energy in the air felt different. When she got to her room, the first thing she saw was the sign from earlier, only it was now taped across the threshold of the door for all to see. In addition to the “Congratulations!” there were at least fifty signatures written in multicolored Sharpie.

Her heart filled with love for the staff that had become her friends and companions these past few months. They lifted her spirits on dark days, and they celebrated every milestone as if it was their own baby they were caring for. And oh, were there many milestones to celebrate. How could she ever repay them for their kindness?

The multitude of balloons from earlier were now in her room. Nick sat on the freshly made bed and waved his hands as if to say, “Surprise!” He pointed towards a box of glazed donuts sitting on the bed alongside a decaf iced vanilla latte. 

“They’re from Rebecca,” he admitted. 

As if being summoned, Rebecca appeared at the door along with other staff members, holding a cake in their hands with “D-Day” written in icing. “Delivery day!” they cheered, piling into the room.

Erin made a face to hold back the tears that were welling in her eyes. “You guys! I’m supposed to be the one bringing things for you- not the other way around! Which, by the way, we have bagels coming later.”

“Cake first!” They began setting out plates and utensils. “Dori’s mom made it so you have to try!”

“Cake for breakfast? I’m about to be a mom, I’m supposed to be making smart decisions.”

Dori, the clinical partner, clapped her hands and laughed her deep, hearty chuckle. “Honey, you're gonna find out that sometimes, having cake for breakfast is the smart decision. Eat up!”

Erin and Nick spent the next few hours eating and chatting with the staff as they popped in and out of the room to offer congratulations. The OB residents and even the maternal fetal medicine specialist made an appearance as well, offering hugs and reassuring Erin that this was indeed the best day for delivery. Her induction time was scheduled for three in the afternoon. Corinne, the day shift charge nurse, came in and put the baby on the monitor (“Your last NST!” she whined playfully). The gentle “lub! lub!” of the baby’s heartbeat never failed to make Erin feel comforted. It had been a stressful day when her team felt comfortable switching from continuous monitoring to twice daily NSTs. Each time she heard her daughter’s heartbeat, she felt reassured that everything was going as well as possible. 

At some point, Erin’s mom appeared with the bagels as well as cardboard boxes to help pack up the room. Slowly, the homey items were removed and the sterility returned, making Erin feel apprehensive again. Noticing the change, her mom kissed her on the cheek. “Milo says good morning, and he can’t wait to meet his baby sister.” 

She showed her a video of their Laboradoodle running around in the backyard, and Erin cooed over him. “I can’t wait to see him again.”

Around noon, Rebecca and Sadie, one of the labor and delivery nurses, came in waving nail polish bottles. “I brought a mini curling iron too in case you wanted the whole shebang,” Rebecca said nonchalantly. 

Erin was at a loss for words. “Guys, it’s okay. Really. I know you’re busy, you don’t have to worry about me!” 

Rebecca waved her hand in response while Sadie sat down on the bed. “It’s a good day on the board, and I’ll be your labor nurse, so basically, I’m just getting my patient prepped.” She winked. “Pink or pink?”

Two hours, one mani/pedi, and one curling session later, Erin felt excited and nervous. How was it possible to feel two such polar opposite emotions at the same time? As if in response, the baby kicked. I know, I know, you’re ready to meet us. So are we, baby girl.

Erin and Nick had planned to spend the last hour alone together to collect their thoughts and go over last minute birth plan considerations. They sat in the near-empty room devouring the cafeteria pizza she had grown oddly fond of during her stay. “Last meal before Pitocin,” Nick joked.

“Do you think I should get an epidural?” 

“Um, yes. Absolutely.” He looked at her as if she were crazy. “I thought you were on board with all the drugs.”

“You make me sound like an addict.”

“Epidural all the way,” a voice called from the doorway. Rebecca. She was holding something behind her back.

Erin laughed and Rebecca came forward. “I know y’all wanted a moment alone, but I just wanted to bring this for you, in case you wanted to reminisce about all the good times here before you start cursing our names through contractions.” She held out what appeared to be a photo album. It was a Shutterfly photo book with Iris’ Story printed on the front. Her stomach flip-flopped. Rebecca was the only one Erin had shared the baby’s name with. It felt surreal seeing it written and put out in the universe.

“Don’t worry- I didn’t show anyone the front.” Rebecca smiled sadly. “I’m crushed you’re leaving us, but I’m so freaking happy to see you move onto bigger and better things. Like pushing a bowling ball out of a keyhole.”

Erin held up her hands in defense. “Okay, okay, I get it. Epidural it is.” 

After Rebecca left, Erin opened the book and together, she and Nick poured over the many pictures detailing their fourteen week stay in the hospital. She felt the pang in her heart at seeing the very first photo Nick had taken of her after they’d been admitted, the IV in her hand as she attempted to sleep in the cramped hospital gurney. Wow. How far they had come since that crushing day. 

She laughed at seeing the picture of her and Rebecca giving the camera a thumbs-up as she was placed on the fetal monitors for the very first time at twenty-five weeks, the age of viability at the hospital. Iris was so tiny at that time. It was crazy to think that their baby girl had managed to stay fighting for a full five weeks by that point. It had been a day of crazy emotion for Erin. She was thrilled that her baby would have a fighting chance, but she was scared of what might happen if she really did deliver that early. What quality of life would Iris have had? Thankfully, she didn’t have to find out.

They passed pictures of her almost gagging after her glucose tolerance test and the visits with the NICU team as they updated her on the expectations and reality of delivering a preterm baby. Luckily, with each visit, the complications and NICU time were less and less. 

Erin laughed at seeing the picture of her butt covered in Band-Aids after her initial dose of steroids to help Iris’ lungs mature. She winced at seeing another identical picture that was taken many weeks later for her rescue doses. 

Pictures of her mom, sister-in-law, and friends littered the book. Game nights, movie marathons, and even the Oscar party were all showcased alongside the nurses, clinical partners, and doctors that had attended.

They even included weekly photos of her growing bump, the various ultrasound pictures from the growth scans, even snippets of the baby’s heartbeat on the paper strip that spit out during the NSTs. All of the things that she would have wanted to document outside of the hospital. It was all here.

Erin felt the tears in her eyes as she admired pictures from her birthday, her and Nick’s anniversary, (the nurses conveniently missed the champagne Nick brought in for posterity) and even Christmas and New Year’s that were all arranged neatly in the book. By the time they reached the end, (featuring a picture of all the antepartum and labor and delivery nurses throwing their hands up in cheer) Erin was practically bawling. Nick pulled her to him and hugged her tightly.

“They did all this for us. For our family.”

“I mean, for the past four months, they were our family.”

Erin composed herself and touched up her makeup before venturing back out to the nurse’s station. One by one, she hugged each of them, thanking them for everything. “Ill see ya on the other side,” Sadie chirped, helping Nick place their belongings on one of the rolling carts. 

When she got to Rebecca, she was at a loss for words. “I-I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I’ll come see you over in labor. We’re all so excited for you.” She squeezed her tightly and laughed. “I think you actually broke record for the longest patient stay in our department. You’re famous!”

“Spectacular.”

Sadie and Nick returned, the cart laden with diaper bags, breastfeeding pillows, blankets- all the things Erin had once thought might not have been possible for them with this pregnancy. Nick had a giddy look on his face. “You ready to have a baby?”

Erin looked around at the staff- her family- and back at her husband. She suddenly felt very calm. “Let’s go meet our daughter.”