Leaving June

When John broke up with his girlfriend, I took extra care to visit him regularly. I remember one time when there were a few of us in the car together with John, one of my friends asked him,

“If she were to come back to you, would you give it another try?”

What a stupid question. She had broken up with him because she said they were going nowhere, and they had nothing to talk about. That is more or less saying you are breaking up with someone because you are bored of them. There was no coming back after that, and I wasn’t at all surprised to hear him bitterly say, “No.”

I had lived most of my life, single; so, I almost surprised myself when I got into a relationship with June. Soon we were regularly going out together, getting dinner at restaurants, going into the city together, and June often found small events she was keen to go to.

Overall, June and I were together for about a year. At the time our relationship started we were both 40 years old. I thought she was extremely good looking for her age, and that I was lucky to have her. My friends all seemed to like her. But not all was well between us.

The first time we had a serious argument; we were in the city together. I had just come out of spending an hour browsing a bookstore. June wanted to stay in the city and visit a bar, but I was feeling tired and on edge. Perhaps my weakness is that I try to avoid conflict, especially when I myself am part of the decision-making process.

“Let’s go to the Hyde Bar.” June said.

“Yeah, alright.” I replied.

I was clearly unenthusiastic, because even though I agreed, June was not happy.

“I can see you don’t want to go! If you’re not up for something, why don’t you just say so?” was her reply.

“No really, I’ll be alright.” I replied. “If you want to go the Hyde Bar I can manage.”

“Don’t just do something because I say so. I’m not controlling you. Why don’t you stand up for yourself?”

In the end we caught the train out of the city and went home. I thought a lot about what June had said. I thought to myself that if I had initially said no to June’s idea, she probably would have been unhappy anyway. So why was she angry with me when I agreed with her?

Another time, June and I were at a supermarket using the self-checkouts. When I saw how big the queue was behind us, I began to push myself to scan the items quickly to keep things moving. However, June seemed to pick up on this, saying, “Who cares if people are waiting, just do it right.” I felt like I was being told how to do simple things that I had every right to do in my own fashion, and afterwards was visibly angry. We ended up getting into another argument. She said she felt like I was treating her like she was the bad guy, and that I was holding a grudge against her simply because she had corrected me on something I was doing wrong. This made me even more frustrated, because I felt I hadn’t done anything wrong.

Other small disagreements like this had come up between us.

When the day came when June broke up with me, I was not surprised. I had been expecting something from her, as the times we had gone out together she had started to feel distant. And I had noticed that the small things we did physically as part of our affection for each other (like goodbye kisses) had ceased. I decided not to put up any resistance, when she told me she wanted out, and so it was all over very quickly.

And now, would I be willing to go back to how things were if she came back? That is a difficult question. At 40 years old, I don’t feel I have many chances to get into a relationship anymore – for example I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who was too much younger than me; and secondly there is the effort that you have to make to be available, for example, to sign up to a dating website and maintain a profile (That seems to be how people find each other these days). So, I sometimes think that as far as finding a woman to spend my life with, it is June or nothing. But would she ever come back to me?

It isn’t just dating that has been a source of trouble lately. My friend and I used to run a book club. This was something I really enjoyed, and it gave me the motivation to keep pushing myself to read. Unfortunately, all the other people in the club dropped out. Their reasons were all similar. The common thing I heard from all of them was that they didn’t have the time. When it was just Anatoly and I remaining, we decided to cancel the whole thing. Two people does not make a book club.

Today I have been giving a lot of thought to my life. Familiar pursuits are drying up, and I am down to seeing only my closest friend every couple of weeks. I decide to pay him a visit. Anatoly is about 40 years old as well, and like me is single. I am trying in my life to be a Christian, where as Anatoly is a settled Atheist. We used to debate religion, but I have given up trying to help him see the light. He is still my best friend.

I buzz his apartment outside the foyer, and soon he unlocks the door. After catching the lift up, I knock on his door.

“Steven, its good to see you!”

“Good to see you too, Anatoly.” I reply, shaking his hand.

“Tea?”

I am the sort of person who will never turn down a cup of tea if someone else is making it for me.

“Yes please.” I say, smiling.”

Soon we are sitting on the vinyl lounge chairs. Anatoly prides himself on spending as little money as possible, and these chairs have been with him since his mother gifted them to him when he moved out. Holding his black, sugarless tea in his hand, he leans forward, looking at the space of carpet between us – the expression on his face as if he is addressing the elephant in the room.

“So, I heard you and June broke up?”

“Yeah, last week.” I reply flatly.

“I have to say I am very disappointed. She did a you a lot of good.”

I had been suffering problems with my mental health before I met June. I had always had mental health problems, but they seemed to intensify about 5 years ago, when I started to hear voices that criticized me and ordered me around. Within a few months of Dating June, the voices had left completely.

“I know. I guess things were just too good to last.”

“What happened?”

I try to give a vague reply. “We weren’t in the same headspace, and we both decided it would be best if we separated.”

“What an expedient way to say next to nothing. Steven, I am your friend, you can tell me anything."

I unconsciously put a hand to my forehead. “We had differences, eventually they became insurmountable.”

Anatoly stares at the carpet silently for a moment. “If you’re not comfortable talking about it then I won’t push the issue.”

I sip my tea silently for a moment, which has been enriched with sugar and milk, contrary to Anatoly’s preferences. Eventually I address him.

“This must be one of life’s dry spells, it seems like nothing is working out. The book club broke up, those of us who got married we see less and less of, and now this. What next?”

Anatoly takes on a bemused look. “The secret to a happy life, is low expectations.”

I open my mouth to protest and then fall silent for a few moments, before replying. “Maybe I had expectations for the book club. I thought it would be a great way to socialize, and fill this void of empty time I’ve got since I gave up video games, but my relationship with June? That just happened. I didn’t expect anything.”

“And you got nothing.”

“And yet still I’m not happy…”

There is a pause before Anatoly begins to speak to me again.

“I just don’t want to see you go back to the situation you were in before with your schizophrenia.”

Things had definitely been bad. I had been convinced a government intelligence agency was experimenting on me, and I had been cajoled into getting myself into legal troubles many times. I was fortunate not be in jail.

“Maybe I’ve hit rock bottom? Maybe there's nowhere worse left to go?”

“Things can always be worse. You are lucky things turned around when they did. And that was right when you started seeing June.”

I put my mug of tea down on the table next to the chair. “Enough about June. It was good while it lasted, but now it’s over. Right now, we should be thinking, what can we do besides playing games?”

Anatoly and I used to play all kinds of computer games with each other. But eventually I had decided that games brought out the worst in me, and quit playing them completely. I still played boardgames with Anatoly, because they were not addictive for me and it still gave me something to do with him throughout such a massive change in lifestyle, but computer games were off limits. I could still talk with Anatoly about computer games, because at least I understood them well, but Anatoly did not seem entirely comfortable having those conversations with me, because being a good friend he did not want me to go back on a difficult decision I had made for myself.

“Well basically you’re looking for ways to socially interact right?” Said Anatoly thoughtfully.

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Why don’t you take up a short course? You're into philosophy, right? There are plenty of short courses on that subject, as well as others if you’re interested.”

I think for a moment. “Would you do that with me?”

“No, I’m not paying money for that.”

“Why do you have to be such a miser Anatoly?” Even as I say that, I think of all the expensive board games Anatoly has, as well as the properly forged long sword. What he plans to do with that sword, I couldn’t say.

“Could I have another cup of tea, with sugar and milk?” I ask, making the most of the guest/host relationship.

“Sure.” Says Anatoly, standing up and making his way to the kitchen.

While he is indisposed, I open up the photo gallery on my phone and take a look. There are all those photo’s from when I was going out with June. We used to at the very least take a selfie whenever we went out somewhere, as a record of our time together. I look at our smiling faces and wonder, did we really have to break up? I wonder how she is doing without me, and I reflect on how I am doing without her. I had thought we had something, even if sometimes I thought she was a difficult woman to please. And now once again I am single, the way I had been for most of my life. Did I not try hard enough? Should I have made more of an effort? Or were we destined to fail? Questions that I don’t have an answer for.