Mom, Where Are You?

“Are you there, God? It’s me….again . This time I waited for her on the corner of our street at midnight. I really thought she would show up. I have no idea why, because who leaves their daughter waiting for them on a street corner at midnight? I guess the answer is the same person who left me at Taco Bell last week. Why do I have to keep going through this? I feel stupid, it’s like she’s playing tricks on me and I just keep falling for them. This time instead of calling a hundred times to say she’s coming home, she told me she was going to pick me up and I actually believed her. Maybe I am stupid. I closed my journal feeling nauseated from embarrassment. How could she leave me at Taco Bell? I could tell the employees felt sorry for me. They told me they were closing and that I had to leave. I’m pretty tall for a 12 year old which why I don’t think they realized I was an abandoned child. Thank God I had enough change to call my step dad, thank God the pay phone worked, and thank God he showed up. I went to bed wondering why God had given me two parents that didn’t want me. Couldn’t I have at least gotten one that was normal?

The next day at school I went about my day as usual acting like I had a normal life like everyone else. A trait I learned well from my mother. No one who met her would ever guess that she was a drug addict. “A functioning drug addict” is what the gossiping adults in my family called her. She dressed nice, our home was nice, and she always managed to charm the other parents.

At lunchtime I found my best friend Lucy sitting in the quad. Lucy was tall, beautiful, and lived with both of her parents a few blocks away. Her mom and my mom met at the beginning of the school year and seemed to hit it off. She’s the only friend my mom allowed me to have sleep overs with. I paid for my Sprite and Doritos with the $3 my step dad had given me, and went to join Lucy and the rest of our friends. “Why is that all you eat everyday?” Lucy asked. “I just don’t get hungry like that. I think I’m still full from dinner” I lied. The truth was that I was starving but no one in my grade brought lunch to school and $3 was all my step dad could afford to give me. My step dad is a kind man. He doesn’t talk to me much, but he makes sure we have food in our fridge and a roof over our heads. What more could I ask for? I wasn’t his biological child after all. We really hadn’t had a chance to get to know each other before he and my mom were married and expecting my little brother.

Everyday at school was the same. My friends and I ate our lunch, then walked around giggling like school girls over our crushes. My crush was Kyle. He was the “IT” guy of our school. Tall, super cute, dressed well, and played almost every sport. Everyone at school knew we liked each other but we were still at the shy stages of just a hug and a smile, not officially boyfriend and girlfriend. I walked over to get my hug for the day when Lucy came and tapped me on the shoulder. “Hey so you know your mom owes my mom $20” she said in a snarky tone. I looked at her stunned that she would say such a thing in front of everyone. I never told Lucy about my moms drug problem and I had no idea my mom had ever borrowed money from hers. Had my mom told her mom? Had her mom just figured it out? Had she told Lucy? All these questions raced my mind as humiliation and embarrassment took over my whole body. How could she bring this up in front of Kyle? Is she really my friend? Some of the girls in our group had told me that Lucy liked Kyle but she always denied it. Could it be true? I gathered myself as much as I could searching for a reply, I had nothing. Thankfully the bell rang and I was saved. I didn’t talk to Lucy the rest of the day. I sat in our math class pretending to be engaged and oblivious to her starring at me. After school I took the long way home avoiding the short cut where everyone walked. I was hurt, I felt betrayed, and once again I felt stupid.

When I got home the house was super clean but empty as usual. I didn’t know if my mom had come back from her mission a.k.a her drug binge or if she was just out with my step dad and brother. Both of my parents had remarried a few years prior and both had another kid, ones they actually wanted. I made myself a frozen pizza and called my grandma. I knew that if my grandma had talked to her that meant she was back. If not then she was still on the binge. My granny lived in a town about 40 minutes away. I wanted so bad to go and live with her but she was taking care of my grandfather and I knew that was a lot of work. She told me she had not heard from my mom but instructed me to stay inside and call her if I needed anything.

Over the years my grandma tried time and time again to get my mother help but it never worked. If there was one thing I learned from attending NA meetings with my mom it was that a person with an addiction will not accept help until they themselves want help, and even though my mom would say she did, she didn’t.

Shortly after talking to my granny the phone rang. It was my mom, I could always tell when she was still on a binge, she spoke fast and sometimes made no sense. “Hi baby” she said trying to sound normal. “Hi mom, where are you?” I asked. “I’ll be home in about 15 mins, Is John there?” I told her I hadn’t seen him or my brother since I had gotten home. “He’s upset” she said ‘I really messed up this time.” I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me or herself, and I had no idea what she was talking about. We hung up and she called back five minutes later “Hi baby, I’ll be home in just a minute.” She lied and I replied “ok” trying to sound like I believed her. Ten minutes later I got the same call again. It was exhausting but I couldn’t ignore her she’s my mom and I really do want her to come home.

It was around 11:30pm when I heard a faint knock on the door. I thought it was my mom, maybe she lost her keys, but it was Julius. Julius lived a few blocks away he was a year younger than me and responsible for his 3 younger siblings whenever his mom and mine decided to check out. Julius’s mom was not as functioning as mine. She would sell their food, their clothes, anything she could for drugs. Julius began walking his siblings to my house at night so they could eat. I let them in and made everyone pizza and sandwiches. “Have you heard from them?” Julius asked and I told him about the phone calls from my mom. He always said I was lucky that at least she called but I didn’t see it that way. Julius didn’t have a step dad at home to make sure they had food, he was the one responsible for his brothers and sister.

After the younger kids fell asleep we laid on the floor watching tv. We always talked about the parents we wish we had, the places we wanted to go, and the things we wanted to do when we were grown ups. Julius wanted to go to Atlanta where is grandparents lived and I wanted to go live with mine. We fell asleep talking about our wishes and hoping they would come true.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of shouting coming from my parents bedroom. Julius and his siblings were still asleep so I went over and put my ear to the door. I heard my step dad yelling that he was leaving and then the door flung open. He was standing there with tears in his eyes and a suitcase in his hand. He looked at me tired and hurt. I could tell something bad had happened. “Come in Rebecca” he said “we need to have a talk.” I felt my heart pounding. Although we didn’t know each other very well, I didn’t want him to leave. He was the only normal parent I had. “Your mother and I are going to be taking a break from each other for a while until she gets some help” he said. “Your brother and I are going to stay at my moms, and I have asked your grandmother to take you.” I felt numb. “I’m very sorry Rebecca I know this won’t be easy but it is what’s best for now.” He looked sad and worn out. I didn’t know what to say. I grabbed my little brother and hugged him tight I felt a lump in my throat and tears burning my eyes. “What about mom?” “What about school?” Can’t I just stay here until she comes home?” I asked trying to hold the tears back. “Unfortunately you can’t stay here, your mom has taken all the money we have. I can no longer afford to keep the house.” I felt like the wind had just gotten knocked out of me. That explains her borrowing the $20 from Lucy’s mom. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to be with my grandmother but what about my mom and what about my brother? Would I ever see him again? My world was turning upside down. “Julius is here” I said as the tears started to roll down my face. “I know” he replied. “Julius’s mother was arrested last night so he and his siblings will be going to live with their grandparents as well. His grandmother is flying in this evening.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. In just one night everything had changed.

My step dad came over and hugged me and my brother. This may have been the first time we had ever hugged. “I know this is hard” he said. “I don’t want you to worry. I think this is what’s best and hopefully it makes your mom want to get some help. I will bring your brother over as much as I can to see you, and you can call me whenever you want.” I hugged him back afraid of what was about to happen. I didn’t want to leave my home, I didn’t want to leave my school or my friends. Suddenly the drama with Lucy seemed so stupid. “You need to go pack, and let Julius know I will take them to their house to pack as well.” I walked out and seen Julius standing at the door smiling. He had been listening the whole time.”What are you smiling about?” I was annoyed. “Didn’t you hear what happened? Your mom is in jail, I have to move and so do you.” “I know” he said “Our wishes are coming true.” I was confused. “What are you talking about? I never wished for this.” “Yes you did” he replied. “Remember last night we wished that we could go live with our grandparents, it’s finally coming true” he looked thrilled but I could not share his enthusiasm. “Ok but now we have to leave everything, our school, our friends, and your mom is in jail! How can you be happy about that?” I was starting to raise my voice. “I am not happy that she is in jail Rebecca. I am happy that she’s not out using drugs. Now I can go with my grandparents and I don’t have to beg for food anymore, I’m free.”he said sounding excited. I starred at him in confusion and pain. I knew what he was saying was true but I just couldn’t find the happiness he had. When they left I hugged them tight. Julius whispered in my ear “our wishes are coming true” and then he said goodbye. I didn’t know if I would ever see Julius again but I felt good knowing that he and his sibling were going to be ok.

My grandmother showed up and my step dad loaded my things in the car. I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. I gave him and my brother another hug and said goodbye. I wish I had talked to Lucy. I felt bad for getting upset with her, even though I didn’t appreciate her timing what she said was true. I wanted to hug her and at least say goodbye. I rode in silence all the way to my grandmothers house.

The rest of the day was a complete blur. I unpacked my things and cried my self to sleep. My grandmother told me that we would be transferring me to the nearby school and that I should just try to relax for the weekend but that seemed impossible. Where was my mom? Does she know what’s happening? Does she care?

It was Sunday morning when I woke up to the smell of maple syrup, coffee and bacon. My grandmother was cooking her usual 5 star breakfast. I could hear talking down stairs so I hurried up and dressed. When I came downstairs I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Sitting at the table was Lucy, her mom, my mom, and Julius’s mom. Am I dreaming? What is happening? I was shocked. My mom ran over and squeezed me tight I could smell her perfume and hair spray. Without even realizing it I was crying. Next was Lucy, I hugged her so tight we almost fell over. “What’s going on” I asked completely confused. My mom told me that Lucy’s mom was a counselor at a rehabilitation center and she had been talking to my mom about getting her some help. Apparently my mom called her after Janet “(Julius’s mom) was arrested and asked her to please come. She was able to get Janet out and get them both into a rehabilitation center. Lucy told me she was sorry for bringing up the $20 but I didn’t even care anymore. Julius’s mom came over and hugged me as well. She thanked me for looking out for Julius and his brothers and sister. He had made it to Atlanta and was going to be calling me soon. After breakfast we all drove over to the rehabilitation center to get them checked in. We hugged each other and said our goodbyes. My mom promised she would call as soon as she could and I believed her. Finally my mom was going to get the help she needed, and now I felt the happiness I seen on Julius’s face.

That night I had dinner with my grandparents. My heart was finally feeling at ease. Julius called and said he loved Atlanta. He was happy that his mom was getting help and he promised to stay in touch. When we hung up I thought about what he whispered in my ear “Our wishes are coming true.” I went upstairs to my new bedroom and opened my journal. “Are you there, God? It’s me…..THANK YOU!