Bye

When I woke up that morning, I remember all the feelings greeting me, swirling around inside me as I remembered what I would be doing in just less than an hour. Anxiety was a big one. Somewhat fear, but I think that was just for the unknown of what the day held. Despair especially. I hating saying goodbyes.

But this time, somehow, it felt more, real? Urgent, almost? The gist is, I had a bad feeling. My best friend was leaving today. I have to meet and see her off, wish her luck and good opportunities and all that.

Off to some college in another state, you know how it goes. A great fresh start, an experience that should be celebrated and welcomed. So why was I so down and worried?

A little less than five minutes I was dressed and walking out my door down the block to see her off. It would be just me, as we were basically two loners who felt comfort in small things and didn't need many people around to feel content and secure. Especially me.

As I'm turning the corner onto her block, I can see her at her car trying to stuff the last of her suitcase into the trunk. I smiled, but, why was my heart going a thousand miles a minute? Why am I so scared? Was even the right word?

"Can you do it, Baby Arms?"

Hearing me, her head pops up and a huge smile spreads across her face at me.

"Well of course, but I figured you need something to do too, Slacker," she laughed at me. " Get out of the way, I'll show you how it's done. ".

Rolling her eyes, but still smiling, she stepped aside as I grabbed the suitcase, out it in the trunk, and spun slightly as I jumped landing my rear on her bag, stuffing it into the trunk a little further. I slammed the trunk down before it could pop back up. "There, that was easy."

I turn toward her, "So, you're all set up and ready to go huh?". I ignored the small twist of pain that suddenly popped up in my chest.

" Yep. All packed and ready to fly out. I have to be there in ten minutes. My first plane ride. So scary I'm excited. " she laughed again. Always an easy laugher.

"Ya well you better call when you land. Think I won't fly out there and kick your ass." She punched my arm and laughed, " No duh. I wish you could come with, I'm going to miss the crap out you. What are you going to when I'm gone? "

She was laughing but the sudden cold sweat that crept all over me right then at her words wouldn't let me laugh with her.

What the Hell was going on?

She was still talking, "... write letters, emails, send pictures. We won't lose touch I promise."

she put her arms around my neck and instinctively I put mine around her. "I've got to get going so I make my flight, thanks for seeing me off. I'm so nervous but I can't wait either."

"I know I know, be safe and let me know how things go, okay?"

" Yeah, yeah, I know what I'm doing. "

She laughed as she pulled away and opened her car door.

Knots formed in my stomach. Butterflies danced. What did I eat that's making me want to puke?

"Love you!" She yelled. " You too, Kate, " I smiled. I hope it looked convincing.

SLAM!

Her car door sounded too loud and my heart pumped loud with the slam.

"Be careful, okay?"

"I always am!" She yelled through her open window. " Bye! "

I was waving as she pulled away from the curb. "Later! Be safe!" ' please' I thought in my.

She honked and took off down the road, leaving me behind looking at the back of her car.

My heart dropped way down past my stomach. What is this?!

I was about to turn and walk the long way home when I heard the familiar squeal from tires trying to stop but brakes that wouldn't work right and honking that I swear had a tinge of desperation to them.

I saw the whole thing.

She was turning.

A white car was entering my vision going fast, really fast, too fast to stop in time.

'No' I thought. 'No' 'No'

I couldn't move. Not then. My body was frozen. My insides were frozen I can't breathe.

The sound was so loud. Amplified, almost.

The tear and twist of metal, glass smashing out with so much force.

'NO'

I could feel something finally. My legs. I started sprinting toward the wreck before it was even over. Her car was flipping. Being pushed up and staring to roll on it's side.

"NOO"

I didn't even realized I was screaming out loud. I was moving fast but it felt like syrup all around me. Needles poking me in the face all over, thousands of them. I guess that's adrenaline.

Silence. I made it to the first of the broken glass in the road. It was quiet. Almost. The collision was done, her car was wrapped around a tree. The white car that had done this was at a stop but the horn was going one long steady blow and wasn't letting up.

II pulled her door open and the blood and the mess was crippling.

"Kate. Oh Christ Kate, fuck!!!"

I Knew she was dead. I Knew. I pulled her body out anyway, sobbing so hard I couldn't see her torn up , bruised face. Thank God.

How? Why?

My body Was trying to tell me and I didn't listen. Not really.

Could I have prevented this? Could I have saved her? My Kate. My first friend. My first love, and she never knew.

She'll never know now.

Sitting On the grass, cradling her to me one last time, I think, "I could have given her a better goodbye. I don't know"

We never do though, do we?

My last Goodbye. The half ass goodbyes that mean little when there was so much left. The meaningless goodbyes because you think you have more time.

I wish I was better at goodbyes.

I wish this didn't mean goodbye. Forever.