Waiting for You

11 months. three weeks. five days. and 15 hours. That’s how long I’ve been waiting. And you think with me having waited this long I could surely last another 20 minutes. But no. See, get to know me and you’ll be surprised I waited this long. I am the definition of short attention span. It was easy to ignore it in the beginning, but the gaping black hole in my heart was always there, always ready to strike. Missing someone is strange. You go through what I have identified as 4 different phases. 

1. Denial. This phase tends to last for about 1-5 weeks, depending how long the person is gone for. You deny the fact that you need that person like you need the air to breath. You think, oh I’ll be fine. They weren’t that important. Then the second phase hits you like a truck.
2. Anger. This can either last for 5 months or 1 day, depending on your relationship. You get so angry at the person for leaving you behind that it infuriates you. You scream, cry and say that you hate them. But you really just hate their absence, not their essence.
3. Acceptance. Believe it or not, this phase actually never gets easier to access the more you miss someone. Anger and denial will slip in occasionally, but the fact that they’re gone will always be there. This looks like different things for different people, and for me, I just lost all emotion. I stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped living. I just accepted the fact that she was gone and I had to wait to see her again.
4. Ah, the 4th stage. Some skip this, and stay on acceptance forever, but I have managed to slip into this. Insanity. This phase comes and goes, depending on how much you need this person.

 For me, insanity has been lurking in the shadows the entire time she’s been gone. She keeps me alive. By this point, you’re probably wondering how much of an impact one person can have on me. The answer is astronomical. I miss my sister. Oh wow, all that because you miss your sister? Yes and no. She’s my twin, my other half, the light to my dark, the ice to my fire. She physically keeps me from going insane and self destructing. See, I’m Bipolar, so I tend to go a bit crazy. But my sister had a sense of when that was going to happen. She knew when to give me the noise canceling headphones, or talk me out of bad places.

But more importantly, she knew me. She didn’t know my disorder, she knew the real me. And she didn’t shy from it. She would explain it to people, and tell them what I was actually like. She knew how to pull me out of my panic states and calm me down. 

And I never knew how much I needed that.

That steady, unwavering light that would pull me out of the cold reeking darkness. The face identical to my own smiling as she pulled me into a hug. The feeling of comfort, of security when she was near me. How much she cared. How much she didn’t care about the whispers and stares when we were together. How she would reassure me that I wasn’t holding her back, but helping her move forward. 

I never doubted any of it except for the last one. I mean how could I help her. I was just another crazy girl. It was the side character in her story. The toxic best friend that she had to ditch before she could reach your destiny. And being without her and knowing that she was succeeding while I was stuck in my own misery really hurts.

A sudden buzzing brought me back.

I glanced down at my phone screen. The glare hurt my eyes, as I squinted to read the incoming texts.

HEY!

YOU!

YES YOU SCARLETT!

STOP BEING SAD AND SMILE

I know, I can’t wait to see you too!

I'm almost there. I missed you,

and can't wait to see you.

Of course. Only Ruby could find the perfect timing to send me the texts I needed. That’s the thing with us, we always knew what the other needed. Although most days, it was her figuring out what I needed and I hated myself for that. I felt the sorrow and hate start to come over me and I closed my eyes to try to drive out the dark, but I was interrupted yet again with my phone buzzing.

This time, it was a video message from Ruby. Miles away, and she could still sense when something was off. I hit the play button, and her picture came to life and started talking.

 “Hey Crimson! I just want to tell you that my train was delayed 20 minutes, so you’re just going to have to wait a little longer. It’s killing me more than I thought, and I am never leaving again for this long. Ugh, we need each other. I needed your insanely creative ideas for this internship that I completely failed. I’m sorry, but see you soon! I’ll be there in no time.”

The darkness started to recede, as I heard her little nickname for me. Crimson. A different shade of red, not like Scarlett and Ruby were enough. My parents thought they were so hilarious naming their identical twins with red hair Ruby and Scarlett. But that's what made us awesome. The fiery twins, who could not be separated. 

The black hole in my heart started to heal, as the conformation of her arrival finally pushed the insanity of missing her away. It made me feel better that she missed me. It made me feel better that she needed me, at least a little as much as I needed her. It made it easier to wait. My missing half is coming home. Although I hate waiting, although I can’t stand the mere moments before you step off the train, I’ll be here. But no matter what, or how far you go, standing and smiling. I’ll be here, waiting for you.