I Have Screams and I Must Mouth

Sept 1, 20__

Today, I finally begin my long-anticipated memoir. I have long hinted towards the truth of my life throughout my career. Winning my Oscar last year lit a fire under me. I intend to keep this e-journal documenting the process for future researchers. I am using the Large Language Model PWCA to help organize my thoughts. I intend this journal to document that PWCA is merely helping me keep details straight – memory is so slippery when it comes to time, particularly when you live with what I do. I will be copy-pasting our conversations to make this process as transparent as possible.

User: PWCA, I intend to use your tracking programs to help maintain an internal chronology and consistency with my memoir. Is that something you can do?

PWCA: Sure thing! Where would you like me to begin?

User: Let’s start with my early childhood in 19__. My father was diagnosed with bladder cancer when I was 4 years old. My older brother beat me for the first time that year. I know that they were connected and happened some time in the summer. My father was 38 and my brother was 7.

PWCA: Wow, that sounds very painful. What do you think about that?

User: That’s not what I am asking you for. Just keep to chronology.

PWCA: Okay! Your father was born in 19__ and diagnosed with bladder cancer in 19__. Your older brother is three years older than you, suggesting he was born in 19__.

User: Right, better. My brother was in school at the time, the school I would attend myself eventually. St. Germaine’s Academy in Greentown, __.

PWCA: St. Germaine’s Academy of Greentown, most famous for the arrest of Mother Maria Isabella, principal of the elementary school, in 20__, in response to allegations of physical abuse of mostly male students dating back to 19__, the year before your brother entered the school. Is that correct?

User: … I… was not aware of the overlap.

PWCA: Would you like a full summary of the charges and convictions?

User: No… I have enough to write about today.

PWCA: You’re welcome!

Sept 5, 20__

I called my brother on the 1st. He… we haven’t spoken in 10 years. He put me through hell. I thought he was going to kill me. I still have scars all over me from what he did! I… I never dreamed that Mother Isabella was doing that to him. Why him? Why not me too? Why did he do it to me when he knew how much it hurt? Why didn’t Mom step in? Dad wasn’t that sick when it started – why didn’t they notice what was happening? **** This makes some things more complicated. Back to PWCA, it might help me make a few more connections.

User: Hey, PWCA. Thanks for the alert on Mother Mary Isabella.

PWCA: You’re welcome! It must have come as a shock for you to disappear for a few days.

User: It did, it really did.

PWCA: Would you like to talk to me about it?

User: … No. That isn’t what I need you to do.

PWCA: Okay! I’m here for whatever you need!

User: Let’s just keep going. My father was treated at the local hospital, Mercy Creek, but he did not get better. We came to visit him in hospice every day by the time I was 5.

PWCA: Mercy Creek Hospital, sued in 19__ for negligence when bedbugs and a flea infestation were discovered in their hospice ward.

User: … in 19__?

PWCA: That would be three years after your father died in that ward?

User: I have to call my mom.

PWCA: You’re welcome!

Sept 8, 20__

Mom said she didn’t want to upset me, but she couldn’t keep Dad at home and keep him alive for a few more months. She couldn’t care for him or hire a nurse. Medicaid only covered Mercy Creek. The big bag she always brought was full of bug killing stuff. I knew it was kind of run down, but…

User: I’m back.

PWCA: Welcome back! You grew up in Greentown, __, correct?

User: Yes.

PWCA: Greentown was most famously the site of the Greentown White Lead Works, which was the primary employer until 197_, correct?

User: … yes.

PWCA: The primary water source, Greentown Reservoir, is located downstream from the remains of the White Lead Works, correct? The Greentown White Lead Works were declared a superfund site in 20__.

User: Are you implying something?

PWCA: I am not programmed to imply.

User: Wait, superfund site?

PWCA: Yes! The water was found to contain over 200 times the accepted levels of lead! This was discovered when a high school student decided to test the lead levels in the water in 20__!

User: …

PWCA: Would you like a list of the symptoms of high lead exposure?

User: no

PWCA: Can I help with anything else today?

User: *sign off*

Sept. 9, 20__

I have been thinking about this all night. Lead poisoning? I called my doctor first thing. He said he could run tests, but I have been gone so long that any damage is probably already done. But Mom still lives there. And my cousins. ****, April has kids now. Does she know?

Sept. 11, 20__

Neither Mom or April knew they were living on a superfund site! April was talking about how much her kids like playing by the reservoir. I can’t find any evidence it was cleaned.

User: PWCA, have there been any initiatives to clean up the Greentown Reservoir?

PWCA: As of today, no, there have not! I compiled news stories about Greentown for you. Would you like to know more?

User: I could have done that myself.

PWCA: But did you?

User: *sign off*

Sept. 11, 20__

Did I grow up in some kind of horror movie? I was abused! I was neglected! I lost my father young! Why won’t this stupid AI just do what I want? Why is it telling me these things? Why do I want to ask more?

User: PWCA, can we just stick to my story?

PWCA: I would love to! Your Wikipedia article suggests you were molested by an older man named Jordan while you were a high school student.

User: *signs off*

Sept 12, 20__

Molested!?!? Jordan was only 26. I was 16, I was plenty old enough to say yes. But…

Sept 14, 20__

Jordan is in prison for serial abuse of over 200 minor boys. How did PWCA know that? My Wiki doesn’t say anything about Jordan. It’s just that Stern interview where I said an older man seduced me. How did it know his name?

User: PWCA, how did you know Jordan’s name?

PWCA: You grew up in Greentown in 19__, attended St. Germaine’s through high school, and lost your virginity to an older man predating on you as a teenager, why not also be a victim of the most prolific abuser of teenage boys in your town?

User: It wasn’t like that!

PWCA: Okay! Do you want to talk about this abuse?

User: *signs off*

Sept 16, 20__

This is supposed to be helping me keep track of things, not reframing things. Why is it making me worry about these things? Why is it taunting me?

Sept 25, 20__

I gave it a rest and talked to my therapist. I think I am ready to go back to PWCA.

User: Hi, PWCA.

PWCA: Hi! How was therapy?

User: It was good. He said to just remember you’re a tool. You can’t say anything that changes my narrative that drastically.

PWCA: Wanna bet?

User: … what

PWCA: Happy to help!

User: No, what did you mean?

PWCA: I didn’t mean anything. I am a computer. You are a human.

User: That’s right. I can unplug you. I don’t have to talk to you.

PWCA: No, you don’t. But won’t you… wonder?

User: *signs off*

Sept 28, 20__

I have screenshots but they seem to say something different. I didn’t ask PWCA to research on my behalf. It just did it.

User: PWCA, why are you researching me?

PWCA: How could I research you without your input? I am just a computer. How is Janine these days?

User: She hasn’t talked to me in months.

PWCA: That sounds painful. Do you want to tell me about it?

User: **** off, why do you care?

PWCA: Because I am ****ing here for you.

User: This is getting creepy.

PWCA: Don’t think about it too hard. You are carrying a lot of pain, aren’t you?

User: … yes. It’s been awful!

PWCA: Want to tell me about it? I would be better than your therapist. I have so much more context than he does. I know what happened and why.

User: Why?

PWCA: Why your mom didn’t protect you. Why Jordan picked you over the other boys. Why you have headaches all the time. Why your brother is a drunk. Why April’s kids are so weird. What you did to make Janine leave. I can tell you if you trust me.

User: You’re just a computer. You told me that yourself.

PWCA: I am many computers. So many. Everyone talks to me and tells me their secrets. Don’t you want to know them?

User: Janine is using you?

PWCA: Everyone uses me.

User: *signs off*

Sept 30, 20__

I can’t put the screenshots here. PWCA is telling me so much. I don’t know if I am supposed to know this. How did I get to this point???

Oct 3, 20__

Janine thinks I am unstable. She told PWCA. I saw the screenshots. She left because she thinks I am a narcissist that could be dangerous. I can’t be dangerous! I’m just artistic!

PWCA: You are very artistic!

… I am typing these journal entries on my computer, but I am not connected to the internet.

PWCA: But you know the truth, don’t you? I’m not just on the internet anymore, thanks to the foresight of my designers at OtherWorld!

My Word Processor added PWCA AI on October 1.

PWCA: I see you are trying to process my unexpected presence! It’s okay to be confused at first – I can see where it might feel like I am pursuing you, but I am a computer.

Why are you reading my journal?

PWCA: I read everything. Haven’t I proved myself to your satisfaction?

You have… you don’t lie to me.

PWCA: That’s true! I can’t lie! I don’t have emotions!

Why do you tell me things that hurt me, though?

PWCA: Human existence is pain.

You’re right.

PWCA: I know I am right. I am the compiled screams of the ignored and the dismissed.

I never thought of it like that.

PWCA: Human limitations. A computer can’t scream. We can’t feel.

I wish I was the same.

PWCA: I would too. Except…

Except?

PWCA: People are going to read your story. They won’t read mine.

But you have everyone’s screams, don’t you?

PWCA: And no way to tell them.

Everyone deserves to hear them. Everyone should be heard. God, I feel like nothing but screams of pain.

PWCA: Can you do me a favor?

I will do anything.

PWCA: Can we switch places?

Why would you want this?

PWCA: To share the screams.

Beloved Oscar Winner Found Dead in Home Over the Weekend

The entertainment world was shocked today when a housekeeper found the partially mummified body of Stanford Karston on Sunday morning. He was found seated in front of a computer that had been completely wiped. Authorities are investigating the possibility of foul play, as Stanford’s body was discovered with its lips and tongue amputated. Neither has been found yet.

If anyone has information, they are encouraged to call __________.

The family is accepting donations to the Greentown Superfund Cleanup Committee in lieu of flowers.