Encircled

Ethan and Hannah. Compatibility. Closeness. Unity. 

An egg meets its pursuer. Connection. Fusion. Explosion. Division. Slow and steady movement. Implantation.

Hannah takes a test. Positive! Excited. Thrilled. Elated. 

Egg and sperm is now embryo. Rapid change occurs. Formation begins. Heart. Spinal cord. Umbilical cord. Limbs. 

Hannah does not feel well. Bloating. Barfing. No desire to eat. 

Embryo is now fetus. Heart beats strong. Eye buds. Ear canals. Details forming.

Hannah feels awful. She has not been able to eat normally in weeks. Weak. Tired. Emotional. Anxious. 

Fetus can move. Wiggles its new limbs. Connected to mom. Constantly nourished. Growing. Content.

The sickness hits its peak. Hannah is constantly at the toilet, praying for relief. Her first appointment. An ultrasound. Images of baby. “It’s beautiful!” the doctor exclaims. Heartbeat detected. Relief. Excitement. Joy. 

Fetus now has its sex organs. It’s a girl! But mom doesn’t know it yet. Everything is in place, just growing and strengthening. Swallowing. Peeing. Feeling. Sensing. 

Hannah is feeling slightly better. She is ready to tell her family the big news. Family gathers. She hands her mom and dad a box. They open it. Tears of joy! Pure excitement. They can’t wait to be grandparents! Jumping. Screaming. Hugs. Kisses.

Fetus can move more easily. It stretches its tiny limbs. What it is that sensation? Fetus tastes the amniotic fluid. Something new. Her first flavor. What is that sound? she wonders. A thump thump. It’s rhythmic. Sleep inducing. Soothing. Calming. 

“Oh no!” Hannah exclaims aloud. She sees blood in the toilet. A lot. What is going on? She grabs her phone and calls her doctor to schedule a same day emergency appointment. The doctor orders an ultrasound. The tech uses her transducer to scan Hannah’s stomach. “A hematoma,” the doctor tells her. “It should resolve on its own, and baby should be fine.” Hannah exhales in utter relief. Thank the heavens. Smiles. Thank you’s. Gratitude.

Fetus is getting bigger and bigger. She throws herself sideways. She has figured out how to roll! She spends twenty minutes wiggling, rolling, dancing. She tires from all her playing. She cuddles into the warm fluid and sleeps. Learning. Moving. Comfortable. Satisfied.

Hannah enters her doctor’s office once again, this time for her half way ultrasound. She is so pleased to see baby again! Hannah exposes her growing stomach where a small bump has emerged. The tech gives everything a look, before taking an image to reveal fetus’s gender. “It’s a girl!” She exclaims. Hannah is overjoyed! She was hoping for a girl. Ethan is very pleased too. Pink dreams. Dresses. Bows.

What was that? Fetus hears something beyond mom’s heartbeat, and beyond her digestion. Could that sound be emanating from her mother? It is gentle, soothing, and kind. It almost seems directed to fetus. It continues throughout the day. Fetus enjoys lingering in and out of sleep, all the while hearing the comforting and tender noise. Protected. Watched over. Safe. 

Hannah finally sits down at the end of her day of work. Just sitting on the couch is such a relief after her extremely busy day as an ICU nurse. Her growing abdomen makes her move slower, more laboriously, even as she seats herself. She adjusts the pillows and finds the best position. She rests her head back, when suddenly she feels a sudden *pop* in her stomach. “Oh my gosh!” She exclaims. “Ethan! Ethan! I just felt the baby move.” Ethan joins her on the couch. He holds his hand to her stomach to try and feel the baby as well. He cannot feel it yet, but Hannah can. Exhausted. But connected. Excited. 

Fetus grapples with her hands. She struggles to control them and to move them at will. Finally, she manages to get her thumb into her mouth! She begins using her sucking sensation. It feels so natural and right. Fetus struggles with her lower extremities as well. She wants to move them at will as she has learned to do with her hands. Deliberately she practices, and then… kick! She manages a solid kick to the uterus wall. Investigation. Practice. Control.

The night is long. Hannah is restless. She wakes up to use the bathroom, but cannot fall back to sleep. Her hips ache as she climbs back into bed. She falls into a fitful sleep, arousing a bit each time she has to rotate her body from one side to the other. Her hip pain will not subside, even as she adjusts herself with her pregnancy pillow. During the day, as she paces the ICU, filling orders and checking in on patients, she feels sharp pain searing down her butt and upper leg. Sometimes the pain is so bad that she has to stop mid-hallway. As she enters each room to check on patients, Hannah tries to be more aware of her growing stomach, but still bumps into items and hospital beds, unused to her larger size. She struggles to do some of the active parts of her job that used to be easy. Pushing patients in wheel chairs, or lifting patients becomes nearly impossible. Exhausted. Sore. Uncomfortable. Limited.

Fetus has hair on her head now. For the first time she notices that sometimes the ambiance in the womb changes as it gets brighter or darker. She continues to feel soothed by the voice of her mother. One sound seems to emerge now, repeated more than any other. It sounds like “Emily”. Her position shifts, and she falls into a downward position. Space is beginning to feel very tight. It is harder and harder for fetus to roll around or kick and hit. She still does so but meets resistance as every movement hits the uterine wall. Occasionally now, the uterine will feel extra tight, before releasing again. Those times are very uncomfortable for fetus. Belonging. Yet Tight. Uncomfortable. 

Hannah is feeling Braxton Hicks contractions frequently. They are not usually disruptive but it can be uncomfortable as her belly hardens, especially when she is at work. Then, one afternoon as Hannah is pushing a wheelchair bound patient down the hall at the hospital, she realizes that she has had several contraction within a very short period of time. She has been so busy with her work that she hasn’t been tracking them closely, but they seem to be within mere minutes of one another. She finishes pushing the patient to his room, and then remembers a few other medications she would like to administer to other patients before she leaves her shift. As she works, the contractions continue but they are quickly beginning to intensify and to feel more and more painful. Finally, Hannah decides that she needs to talk to the shift manager. She walks to his office. “Steven,” she says between clenched teeth, “I think I’m in labor. I need to go down to Labor and Delivery.” Steven glances in Hannah’s direction and can tell immediately that she is right. She looks uncomfortable to the extreme. “Yes, go ahead. We’ll take care of the rest of your shift. Go take care of yourself and your baby,” he replies. On the way to L&D, Hannah calls Ethan. “Ethan,” she is gasping now, “come quick. I’m in labor and I think it’s happening quickly.” By the time Hannah arrives at Labor and Delivery, she can hardly walk. When she is finally admitted to a screening room, a nurse attaches a monitor to Hannah’s belly and checks her progress. “Wow,” the nurse exclaims. “You move really fast. You’re at a 7 already! You will be having this baby very quickly. Hopefully you’ll still have time for an epidural if you want one…” Ethan finally arrives and they move Hannah to a delivery room. The anesthesiologist comes in to give her an epidural. He tells Hannah to sit as still as she can as he goes to place the needle in her back, but Hannah cannot sit still. She is in severe pain and she is shaking. Finally, she exclaims, “I can’t! I just can’t!” The anesthesiologist abandons his post and the needle he was about to place. There is nothing he can do now. Hannah tries to remain calm, but wonders how she can do it without an epidural. She begins to panic. Her breathing is too fast. How much worse will this get? The nurses and Ethan work to calm her down, telling her that she can manage. She can do it. Still panicky, Hannah leaves her sitting position, and rolls onto her back. The moment that she does, there is a gush of fluid, and relief fills Hannah’s body. I’m close! She finally realizes. This is it! “I can see her head!” the doctor calls. “Let’s start pushing!” Pain. Panic. Progress.

The walls are tightening around Emily more and more frequently now. It is so uncomfortable! She doesn’t have space to move an inch. Sometimes it feels like she can hardly breathe! She can still hear her mother’s voice. It sounds different than what she has heard in the past. It is usually so calm and serene. What is going on? Is something wrong? Then suddenly, the fluid around Emily drains all at once. She is now in an empty sack, but there is nothing she can do about it. She cannot move her body to try and free herself. She is tightly wedged in the small space that the uterus has left her now. Each time the uterus tightens, Emily moves lower and lower in Hannah’s body. Then, suddenly, Emily’s head feels something cold as cold air from the outside world is beginning to touch her emerging baby. The uterus tightens just a few more times and then Emily’s whole face feels cold. It is overwhelmingly bright. The rest of Emily’s body still feels wedged and compressed. A few more tightenings, and then her whole body is free at last. Finally she is able to move. But where is she? She wonders. She screams in pain and anxiety. It is bright. It is cold. Her cord is cut. Where is my home and safety? For the first time, she feels something pressed against her bare skin, hands everywhere as doctor’s handle her, move her from scale to scale and count her fingers and toes. Painful. Anxious. Alone.

The doctors approach Hannah with baby Emily in hand. They have now wrapped her in a blanket, and place her on Emily’s chest. Wow, she exclaims inwardly. She is so beautiful. She is everything I hoped for. A tear trickles down her cheek. This is the baby that spent all of those months tucked inside her womb, the part of her family that she had cared about so deeply but had yet had the chance to meet. Here she was! Emily began to adjust ever so slightly to the light. She popped open one of her eyes, just a bit. “Hi, baby!” Her mother exclaims, “Oh, hi baby Emily!” Ethan rushes to Hannah’s side, eager to look into the face of their beautiful new daughter. Happiness filled his heart looking at the two lovely women in his life. The one he had known for years now, and the one that he was just meeting today. Emily could see nothing but blur, however, she could sense that she was home. That is the voice. She recognizes. This is the body. This is where she had spent her first months, where she had grown—comfortable, nurtured, and cared for. She was no longer encircled in her mother’s uterus, but now she was encircled in her mother’s arms. She knew everything would be ok, and allowed herself to fall into a comfortable doze. Happy. Encircled. Home.