Fallen. No more

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire. I walked right to the corner in the courtyard of my neighbour Carlos. He was standing close to the collection he had made of the dry leaves. He had set fire to them and was warming himself at that fire. It was a chilly evening. I too stepped close to him and said, "Hi Carlos! Nice fire!"

                                   "Yeah it is Bro. How's you?"

                                   "I am well, Carlos. How are your kids doing?"

                                   "All well, Andrew. They are struggling a bit with their schoolwork, though. Can you help?"

                                   I was teaching at a school and had taken off for a while. Silently, I considered helping Carlos kids. They were three of them from 6 to 13 years. They had all migrated to Canada only six months ago and had difficulty learning English because of their Spanish background. "Can I find the time to do this?" I wondered. Carlos was busy with work as a janitor in a building close by and also raked the leaves in the neighbourhood to make some money. His wife Juanita was a homemaker. They were rather poor. I helped them when I could. But helping in teaching the kids would be very useful to them, I realized.

                          "Well, perhaps I can give one hour every day, Carlos," I said finally. "Shall I pay you something, Andrew?"

“No, Carlos. I will do it gratis.”

                          So, it started. Initially, I asked the kids to come home and sat with them. But it did not work out. My own kids were getting disturbed. So I took an hour off from home and go to their home. Juanita would welcome me with a cup of excellently brewed Brazilian coffee. I enjoyed sipping it.

                          The kids were fast learners and grasped the language well They only needed a gentle prod now and then. I would set them simple exercise and let them do them all by themselves. I fell into the habit of watching Juanita at work. It was a sight to see her work so efficiently, making food for the entire family, single-handed. She didn't have all the gadgets like us too.

                          The fall had a depressing effect on me. I was a single parent, having divorced from my wife of ten years just one year ago. The kids spent half their time with me. As my ex, Diana had a busy life as an architect and an active love life too. I was far away from any further entanglements and concentrated on my job and looking after my kids when I can.

                          But those evenings at Juanita's kitchen, sipping her artisanal coffee, slowly took their toll. I had to admit it to myself. "I was slowly falling in love with Juanita! What shall I do? Carlos was a good friend of mine. And I had the least idea of what Juanita thought of me. What a soup am I in?"

                          After that, every evening I spent in that home was excruciating for me as I gazed at Juanita. St nights I tossed and turned and burned partly with shame. My guilt kept me from conversing properly with Carlos. He was wondering what had happened. I could not concentrate on mentoring the kids too.

                          This went on for weeks. It shocked me when I realized that my mooning over Juanita was obvious to her. She called me aside one evening. "Senor," she said, "you should be careful. Perhaps we can continue classes for my kids at your place?"

                          That's all she said. But I got the message she wanted me to get. "I am not available to you. Keep to yourself and be away from me." Her eyes conveyed to me.

                          I went into depression. My housework and my kids suffered. The entire fall was a fallen state for me. The fires kindled in the courtyards around seem to mock me. I was seeing blue and experiencing intense desperation.

                          Carlos came home with the kids and sending them back, he stayed on. "Can I talk to you, brother?"

I just nodded, too tired to speak. "You are taking life too seriously. Go out and get a life, bro. Maybe you should see start dating and get a new partner. It is time for you to do it."

                          He was also at a loss to say anything else as I just nodded and smiled weakly at him. He left, muttering to himself. I slept on it somehow and get out of my infatuation. "Why am I mooning around like an adolescent?" I thought. But depression doesn't leave you just like that. I continued to suffer for many weeks.

                          My ex came to see me. She had heard about my state. She said, “I can look after the kids for a while. You get a hold of yourself and get better Andrew. I feel sorry for you. You look so much unlike yourself.” She took the kids and left, promising to call me after a week.

                          I was alone. Desperate thoughts haunted me. “Do I make a difference to anyone on this earth?” I remembered the fire of the burning fallen leaves of some months back. They at least gave some warmth. “What about me?” I wondered. Will I be able to make a difference to anyone?

                 My mobile trilled. It was the eldest girl of Carlos, his teenager called Lori. “Senor Andrew?” she spoke softly, “can I speak to you?”

                 “Okay,” I mumbled.

                 “Senor, I wanted to say that the three of us enjoyed your informal classes more than all the classes in the school. Please get well soon and come back to teach us, Senor. We like you very much.”

                 I just muttered “Thanks Lori” But I sat and thought of this. Lori sounded very natural and was sharing her thoughts frankly, I thought. I am sure I do make a difference to my kids too. They were like me very reluctant to speak their minds out. Slowly I began to see a light at the end of my dark tunnel.

        Dusting the old Book, I took it down. I started praying. “Lord, please help me. Speak to me. I opened the book of Psalms and started reading.

        “In you, O LORD, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame! In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me; incline your ear to me, and save me! Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may continually come; you have given the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man. For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth."  

                       Slowly, my mind started to rise. I am no more fallen. “Thank you, Lord!”