Hope

A bell rung, warmth and happiness hit my icy face, my body still shivering from the cold outside wind. My soul still shivering after I entered, letting the door swing shut behind me. It felt like I was safe, warm and at home, even with the little voice nagging in the back of my head. Then why did I leave. Why did I forget the safeness in the moment I needed it most? Why didn’t it save me?

I felt like everyone was looking at me, judging me, and for once I didn’t care… not here. Here, my eyes saw colour, the warm tones dancing through the room, telling us their story, showing us their past. Why did I enter again? I told myself I didn’t deserve love or warmth every night, but I was drawn here, and I didn’t want to leave. There’s a sign describing their new line of autumnal drinks now, calling even more lost souls in. I see it in their eyes. Maybe they’ll still make it. That day, I sat down, taking everything in, it felt like a dream, happy and free. I could have taken out my books, I would have had an exam the next day, but I just sat there, and let myself feel.

“Creamy hot vanilla,” I wonder how that would taste, spiced with cinnamon, I imagine a sip of it would feel like drinking autumn. I wish I could still taste, smell. All I have left is to see and to remember… I sit down in front of a young student by the looks of it, their books decorating the maple coloured table, untouched. They were staring into the air, right through me, their eyes showing the emotions I had felt that day… I wish I could be seen, could communicate, I would tell them everything, help them. Maybe somebody had been with me that day, wishing they could help… If they said anything, warned me, I didn’t listen, I still did it. And now I’m here.

The last warm and appetizing taste I remember was the caramel coffee I remember sitting in front of, staring at it, trying to decide if I was allowed to, if I deserved to drink it. It was warm, for a second my soul stopped shivering, embracing the happiness. I remember thinking the drink tasted angelic, it was the nectar of the gods. I didn’t finish the cup.

Now, I watch people leave and come, crying and laughing, I watch families, friends, couples, loners. All of them look lonely. Like they’re all actually lonely, even if they’re surrounded by others. A room full of people, enjoying their limited drinks, feeling alone. You only see the loneliness when it’s the only thing left that you feel, combined with nostalgia and regrets… When you’re dead.

I ran out, leaving my coffee, my books, my phone, my keys, my money, my life. I left it all that night, never to see it again, the welcoming bell still ringing in my ears, nearly drowning out the voice that told me to do it. Nearly. But not quite. I remembered the coffee shop in the last second, maybe that’s why I’m here… To stop any others. To be in the place that could have kept me happy, until I decided to run out. I wish I hadn’t run. I could have ordered all of the autumnal drinks, trying to make friends, try to make the other lonely people laugh.

Instead I left, not understanding the graveness, the emptiness that would follow.

I could still try, try to talk, hope for the best. I will never lose hope again.

So I look into the lonely students eye, they were still sitting, lost and hopeless. I talk.

“It’s worth it, stay, stay so you can try each seasons specials, stay so you can learn to love yourself again, because you can, you always can, you’re stronger than that voice, stronger than doubts, the beauty of life is stronger than the negative cloud in your head. Imagine all the smiles you will still smile, and see, imagine every time you walk into this coffee shop, feeling the warmth, feeling at home, wondering if there’s anything new you can try. Embrace the feeling of happiness when you have it, stay to feel it again and again, until you feel better than ever before. It’s never going to be perfect, you’re never going to feel absolutely happy, but you can reach the limits, step over them, find the perfect amount of happiness for yourself and share it with others.”

I still love it here, I feel lonely, I feel like I missed out on so much, but I feel at home. I like to think the workers listen to my ideas for special drinks, come back in spring, then we’ll see my influence. Stay a while longer, visit me again, I’ll be waiting. Forever. I love to listen to your voice, the humming you think nobody hears, you will always live, its worth it. I won’t let you throw this warmth away, this warmth you are allowed to have, that the voice in your head shouldn’t make you feel bad about. You deserve this, and so much more. This is your home, surrounded by warm colours, the warm drink warming you up, completely, filling your mind with ideas, wishes, hopes and dreams. When you look into the mirror, I want you to see how beautiful and precious you are, see that you are worth it, and not a negative mess, something you see as undeserving, something you think you should die. I’d be happy to give you my eyes, let you see yourself how I see you. But you will get there yourself, you are strong, even if others, or you yourself tell you different, one autumn this coffee shop will be full of hopeful people, lonely, but together, feeling the warmth and remembering the first day they entered, hearing the sweet bell jingle and being intrigued by the autumnal drinks, the warm colours, the homely atmosphere, the day they felt again.

“Hope” that’s the newest drink here, I think you will enjoy it.