Mother May I?

The romantic, erotic draw to the forbidden! Temptation has consequences sometimes far beyond immediate gratification.

I have always looked older than my age. It was because of my boobs. I wore a size 34 DDD by the time I was in 7th grade. Needless to say, I never had a boyfriend because I was assumed to be a "fast girl" aka slut. You know, the one that boys only touch as a dare, or lie about having a one-and-done sexcapade with just to impress their buddies.

So I took it upon myself to like "older boys." The legal drinking age was 18 yrs old back then. I would have my mom drop me off at the high school on a Friday night for a football or basketball game, and then walk two blocks away to a place called Little Chicago. It was a street with bars on both sides of the street, where the 18 and older partiers hung out. I had been going there since I was around 15 or 16. Back then if you were asked to show your ID you would just say that you lost it and you could sign a book with your name and birthdate (I used my older sister's birthday) and you were good to go!

The first trick was to go to the bathroom to look in the mirror and convince yourself that you were indeed over 18. Hair and makeup in check, money easily accessible so you didn't have to dig through your purse like an amateur, and I was ready to mingle!

I remember the first time I laid eyes on him. I was beginning my night of worldly conversations and coming out of the woman's bathroom. As I turned the corner, a guy mumbled something to me under his breath. I always look directly into someone's eyes to evaluate if I am interested. So I gave this guy "the look." I remember hearing that Beatles song in my head "Hello, I love you won't you tell me your name!" So corny! The bar was dark and smokey with a reddish hue in the background. I remember thinking that he looked like Blackie Parrish on General Hospital (also known as John Stamos in real life.) This guy was GORGEOUS! We talked briefly when suddenly I spotted some of my sister's friends and I knew I had to get going, So I gave him the name of the bar that I was having my 18th birthday party at & left.

I was super excited about finally being legal to go out and have fun! I did, however, have some friends and bartenders that felt very betrayed when finding out I was just turning 18. I had become a regular at a particular watering hole, even dated a few of them. So there was that.

I didn't have a whole lot of friends to come to my party. Thankfully, my brother had a lot of friends that were all too willing to drink off of a free half-barrel!

As I was wandering around being the star of the night, I spotted him. The guy! The guy that looks just like Blackie! I felt nervous and flushed. Thank God for a shot of Rumplemintz! He was with the same person he was with at the bar, plus a tall girl with long, flowing brown hair. Please don't let that be his girlfriend! To make a long story short, we talked for a while. I heard someone mention that they were selling "skunk weed" to some of the people at the bar, but I didn't know what that was. I didn't care if he was (it made him a little more intriguing!) Plus, it seemed like he was actually interested in me! He invited me to his birthday party where he lived (about 45 minutes away from where I lived) and offered to come and pick me up. This was definitely the best birthday gift ever!

I have never even been on a date before! Wait. Was this a date? How was I going to explain where I was going to my parents? Granted, I got away with many very bad choices being the 4th child in my family. But my parents were very strict, upper-middle-class, Irish Catholic people. Reputation was very important to them. That included the company that you keep. When I wasn't out gallivanting on a Friday night here and there, I was home reading books from the beginning of the weekend to Sunday night. Sometimes I never got out of my pajamas. My older siblings would make fun of me and call me a loser. How was I going to explain not coming home that night?

I told my parents I was going to visit an old friend of mine from my childhood. Our old next-door neighbor who lived 3 hrs away. It worked. I watched for his car to come down the hill to my house and when I spotted the greenish-aqua colored Camero, I ran outside and into his car before my parents noticed. We had a big house and they have never been doting parents, so I was free!

He was so cool! He had huge speakers hooked up in the back seat with ACDC and RUSH playing so loud that we couldn't speak. That worked well for me! He was drinking Red White & Blue beer while he was driving and offered me one. What an exciting adventure I was already having! We talked about our first impressions when we met each other. He laughed and told me he barely remembered it because he and his friend went to the movie "The Wall" earlier that night and took acid. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, ut I blew it off as just me being inexperienced. He was SEXY!!!

I spent the entire weekend. I told my parents I had fun and everything was back on track. I was still in high school, but I was bored. I actually had a boyfriend! He was older and cooler than any of these young, immature punks were. He lived with three other roommates. He was on unemployment from the shipyards where he worked as a welder. This guy was an adult! I was officially in love!

The next weekend he picked me up again. Same thing. Run to the car before being caught. This time I didn't tell my parents anything. I was drunk on love and not thinking things through. I will deal with the P's later.

He brought me to his mother's house for a spaghetti dinner. I was shockingly intrigued. His mother lived in an upstairs apartment of a run-down, stone house. We walked inside the door and up a very narrow, dark staircase which lead to her apartment. The inside was a haze of cigarette smoke. There was an old rundown couch with wash clothes on the arms of it. Why? I had never seen that before. Anyway, his mother was sitting at an oblong table with numerous bottles of beer around her, a non-filtered Pal-Mal cigarette hanging out of her mouth, playing poker with an old man, and a mix of disgust, desperation & evil on her face. I wasn't sure how to act. So I just sat there trying to absorb this lifestyle. She handed her son a beer (not offering one to me) and there was never any spaghetti dinner. My heart broke for this guy. I couldn't imagine growing up in that tiny apartment with a mother so seemingly cold.

He had told me earlier that he never knew who his father was. He said one time when he was 16, he demanded answers from his mother. She told him that she in fact did know who he was. At that point he put her in his van and demanded she take him to his house. She was drunk and purposely fell out of the car door while turning a corner and injured her arm so badly that it required surgery. He never asked about his father again.

I had a new appreciation for my family. My parents. My life. I wanted him to see that same lifestyle. I told my parents I had met someone. Everyone in my family was curious because, as I said earlier, I had never even gone on a date before! They asked me questions about him. What religion he was? He had never even been in a church. What did his parents do for a living? He only has a mom who has been on Welfare his entire life. What college did he attend? He was 23, a high school drop-out, and unemployed. I tried to sugarcoat it, but they didn't see him as a catch. I was furious! How condescending and judgemental. People are people, not simply a product of their environment. My parents reminded me that there is a cycle in families. A road to follow and I was not on the right path with this guy! What did they know? I was expanding my mind to other lifestyles and realizing that I was living in a privileged bubble. I think I was falling in love!

I dropped out of school and moved in with him. I got my GED in two days. I was smart. Everyone always told me that. I knew I would be fine. My parents told me he was not welcome in their home. I didn't care. He was my life. I was still 18 years old. He was my forever.

I noticed he smoke pot a lot! He liked the fact that marijuana simply makes me tired, so more for him. He sold it to supplement his habit and would usually brag to me on how he would rip people off. He didn't have many friends because of that. He would come up missing often. He would go out for a motorcycle ride and just not come home. When he would show up he would reek of a weird, heavy body odor. Pot, beer, and sex. If I asked anything, his answer would typically be "no one owns anybody." True. The shower in our little love nest was in the basement. There was a door that opened from the floor and stairs leading down to the old, musky, slug invaded shower. One night I went to take a shower & I heard the door above close. I ran up the stairs with just my towel only to discover that he had locked it! I heard a female's voice and I tried to bang on the door to let me out, but he had turned up the music. I spent the entire night in that basement. That was just one of the stories.

I honestly do not even remember the first time he hit me. I really don't. I just remember knowing that if I would tell the police, it would be worse when he got out of jail. So I never did. He has broken my eye socket, ran me over with a car, ripped out my pierced earring, but the verbal abuse was the worst.

He told me that I was mentally slow and that I didn't realize I was slow, because I was slow. He told me I could never get a job because no one would ever hire me. So I went on a General Relief program he made me sign up for so that our rent was paid and we could get food stamps. I had no self-confidence at all. I could never tell my family. They were all in healthy relationships. They had all gone through (or were in) college. Here I am on welfare.

I was pregnant. It didn't phase him really. I was shocked. I had to tell my parents. So we decided to get married. My parents did not approve of me being pregnant before getting married, so they chose to not support it. We planned a simple wedding at the courthouse with a party afterward. He suddenly was nowhere to be found. He showed up three days later. I was too hurt to tell my parents. I was also a week away from my due date, so he convinced me to just pretend we were married and that way my parents would accept me back into their lives.

He used to claim that the times that I was pregnant were the only times he didn't cheat on me. Yes. I have two children. Two in two years & then I couldn't fathom the idea of having another child with him, so I had my tubes tied at 22 years old. My doctor wasn't sure he could give me a tubal ligation because of my age, yet he did perform it six weeks after my second child was born. I had to pretend I had a ride coming to pick me from the hospital. He made me take the city bus home. He, on the other hand, has three children. One born exactly 3 days after our first.

I eventually left him when my children were one and two years of age. I was at the point one day that I was crunched up in a corner ASKING him to just hit me versus verbally attacking me. My parents called to ask me if we wanted to come to dinner for his birthday and what would he like for his special dinner. I snapped and told them everything. Including the fact that we lied about being married.

I could go on and on; that's for another day. My point is that I did something I was told not to do. Many times in this portion of my life. Sometimes it might seem exciting and exhilarating to be defiant! Sometimes, people are right and sometimes people are wrong. I still believe in everyone deserves to be treated and acknowledged initially the same. My defiance affected numerous lives. Especially my children and my grandchildren. I do not refer to this person by name because he doesn't deserve any acknowledgment.

My parents, on the other hand, do. They have been extremely supportive for the past 30+ years. Parents don't know what they don't know. They came from a very different world. They can only try to guide you as to what path they believe is in your best interest. I like to joke that with everything I have gone through (this is only a chapter!) I softened my parents up for all of my siblings. I paved the way! My parents accept everyone and all situations. They understand that we are all different, but we are all family. Family is too precious to ignore or not have those uncomfortable conversations. We as a family have endured a lot of life-changing things. We realize they are not family-changing things any longer.

The next time someone forbids you not to do something, ask yourself if they are actually forbidding you or just thinking about your best interests. Do you just like the adrenaline rush or possibly the challenge of proving others wrong?

Just think about it. You'll get it! :)

*Song Lyric Reference. I couldn't help myself!

Sorry for the ramble!