Unbound

I decided on a course of action I never would have considered in my earlier years. It wasn’t a spur of the moment type thing, but was a long, drawn-out process that rendered the decision irrevocable. I’m laughing to myself now as I watch the plaintive scenery flying past. This decision will have dire consequences, no doubt. Those that know me will be shocked. I’m usually a conservative type, boisterous on occasion but low key, and cautious. This decision was based on instinct, desire, and a little devil- may-care attitude which was going to be life altering. Hopefully, it will even be a little fun.

I’m a man who has lived few adventures, and now, being in the last phase of my existence, I thought it was time to act out a dare. I bought round trip tickets to Charlotte, NC. That in itself might seem innocuous enough, but the tickets were purchased without anyone being aware of my intentions. My wife, two sons, close friends, no one that I could trust and no one I cared to have to explain my course of action. I left a note on the kitchen counter to let my wife know I was going on a trip but didn’t disclose much more than that. I only planned to be away for a couple of days. I trembled holding the tickets, and even tried to talk myself out of it. I always felt I had a strong moral consciousness, that I was careful not to hurt someone else’s feelings, even those I despised. My decisions were usually well thought out, calculated, considerate, and that’s enabled me to be fairly successful in my endeavors. I practiced humility and tried not to put myself above anyone. The only time I acted out of character was when I had few drinks, but that wasn’t often. Some found me to be aloof, distant, and something of a bore. I often tried to inject humor in a serious situation, and came across as being callous or thoughtless, but I attributed that to be misunderstood and would deny any further interest in those people. I wasn’t looking to be liked, just appreciated. I fought hard to control my anger, a trait gifted me from my father, try to maintain an even keel attitude even in the harshest conditions. My small circle of friends liked me for who I was, no pretentions. Now I was up for the challenge of breaking that stereotype. 

 It all started when I met Anna. It was not something planned or discussed, just a natural course of action over the span of five years. We both worked for the same company, remote roles in sales for athletic wear. It started innocent enough, weekly calls to talk about mainly topical matters regarding our company, our jobs, and a sprinkling in on family matters. She lived in North Carolina, and I lived in New Jersey. She was married and had a child in high school. There was an age gap of eighteen years between us, , but it didn’t seem to matter. We shared a healthy sense of humor, laughing at even the most trivial issues. It was her cheerfulness and good nature that compelled me to continue this trend, and I came to regard her as an endearing friend who I could share just about anything with. We developed trust that would compel us to gradually speak about more personal matters. The hunt was blind, all intuitive. I lost control.

 I boarded the bus in a numb state of disbelief. I was actually following my   heart, not my gut. I know there’s a chance this will ruin me at home. What can I tell them? That I was rejuvenated from the stranglehold of a daily life with no sense of purpose and a loss of perspective. How many people do you come in contact within the course of a lifetime who make a difference in your life? At this late stage there were almost none. Captured my heart through the cell phone. Then when the pictures arrived, I was hooked. They were provocative, exciting, daring. Thought provoking! I was shocked! I never would have guessed she looked like that. I had imagined many times during our conversations as to what she might look like. She sent a few more photos and I asked her to stop. I was feeling overwhelmed. I couldn’t believe she would be willing to share these with me. I was still a virtual stranger to her, and much older. We never did Facetime or any video viewing. Just the sound of her voice, and her laughter, so infectious I had to laugh as well. Our conversations over the years were always light-hearted, sincere, world events, politics, books we shared and writers. She discovered her” voice” for writing and started putting together short stories and sent them out to free publishing sites online. I did some writing as well, and we both submitted our stuff to each other to comment on. We would discuss our stories, comment on the writing, style, prose, and encourage each other to continue our writing exploits. It had evolved into a relationship more than just a friendship. I was excited, confused, scared, unsure of everything I once held as true. I felt like an awkward teenager who couldn’t grasp what was taking place inside him.

 I looked at my fellow travelers as I trudged through the aisle to my seat. Sleepy eyed, dog faced commoners probably on their way to meet some lover. That’s what I suspect many travelers do. Maybe there’s someone I could talk to about my situation. It’s burning in my heart like a hot charcoal brisket.  It’s a twelve-hour bus ride and would be nice to spend some of it chatting with a stranger.  I brought along some reading material, “The Great Gatsby!” and “Moby Dick”, two books I always wanted to read but never had the time. I ‘ll read “Gatsby’ first because he is one of her favorite writers. She often correlates her life with this book so I had to see what that correlation might entail.  I wanted to know everything I could about her. Maybe this will take me down a dark path, but it’s still one worth exploring. I may never have this chance again. I was plumbing the depths of my own soul as well. What really was prompting me to do this? None of it made sense yet I continue to want to follow through with my errant behavior. It’s not like I had anything to prove, and I’m sure I’ll hear comments like ‘was enticed by a younger woman,’ and  ‘he’s gone over the edge and lost control’. Anything to rationalize why a man of my ilk and character would resort to such a thing. The hell with them! What do they do but sit on their fat asses all day, eating bon bons and watching the news channel. They don’t show a flicker of a flame left in them.  At least I’m trying to love life to the fullest. Sure, this is a gamble. She doesn’t know I’m coming and might not be as receptive as I hope. That could be devastating. After she sent me those pictures I assumed she would be eager to see me. Maybe I’m just a blind, old fool, starstruck, looking for a way out of a disillusioned path. I imagine what’s going through my wife’s mind, and how this will play out with her. Will she ask for a divorce? Maybe she’ll read into my angst and change her ways with me. Her defenses will be on high alert. She’ll have her anti-missile system ready to knock out any accusations I launch. I’m seldom in the right. Living under house rules, few of which were designed by me. I don’t want a divorce. Too messy! All I want is to quell this beast that’s devouring my soul. All I want from her is to be near her, and look her in the eyes, to see if there’s any sustenance in her feelings towards me. If   the eyes are the windows to the soul, then that factor will be revealed.  I will know if she was sincere in all the stuff she sent and told me. Maybe it was all just a game she enjoyed playing. She’ll dismiss me as an eccentric dreamer who misinterpreted the truth.  That will make for a painfully long ride home. I don’t know what to expect. A calculated risk to ignite my long dormant passions. That flame went out a long time ago. I needed to be near her. It was as simple as that.  I can’t change my age. If that’s too evident, then it will be obvious, and that will be that. Though along with her confessionals of love for me, and photo exchanges, I was overlooking that perspective as a possibility. I’ll soon find out.

 I started reading “Gatsby’ once the bus got underway.  It was midafternoon, late October, with blustery winds swirling the dead leaves, dancing in their skyward flight.  I traced back to when this relationship developed, and how it escalated the past several months. I never saw this coming. To think, at my age, I could be in love with another woman. There are no boundaries to love, but there are limitations. There may be no healing for unrequited love. How many have strayed along this path, and left wounded, dying by the wayside?

I’ll end up just another statistic. Even for a short time, the revelry of being in love was a worthwhile revelation, especially at this late stage. I closed my eyes and thought about how my life has changed. There’s no turning back now. Eventually I drifted off, thinking about going homeward.

.