Holly's Shampoo

  Changing my car’s radio for the second time, I would need something more upbeat to get me home quicker to Holly. My poor girl hated coming home to an empty house that her father usually had warmed up with something in the oven. Now she would only see him at weekends.

I hated thinking of her cold and alone so I pressed my foot down to get to her faster, warm her up and kiss her hair, having to settle for a debate on the topic of reintroducing wolves to the Scottish Highlands. Wolves… ha. Why not? The sun was setting against the horizon, throwing its last enchanting reds and oranges onto the same highlands the voices were debating. The noises blurred into one, dull buzz in my ears as my mind wandered, conjuring roaming wolves amongst the heather...

Where was I?

On my back, my gasping breath visible against the freezing air.

Still trees and boulders thick with moss…

A forest?

But I needed to get home to Holly, she wasn’t used to coming home from school to an empty house, cold and quiet.

I dragged my aching body to sit up. The cold air stung my skin and my bones screamed in protest as I got to my feet.

What was happening to me and where was Holly?

The gentle scent of ancient pines and tufts of fragrant heather seemed out of place somehow. Or perhaps it was me who shouldn’t be here?

     A howl. The wolves were close.

Frantically I willed feeling into my frozen limbs.

Had to get to Holly before the wolves did...

I set off running, in no particular direction, jumping over rocks and calling her name.

But I was slow.

Paws, panting, behind me. A whimper escaped from my throat.

Leave us alone!

The wolf streaked past me, a blur among the pines.

Why didn’t it just take me, why go for Holly?

I forced my tired legs to go faster but the wolf slowed to my pace, its shining white coat hurting my eyes.

Shining white.

Follow me. Become… me…

And so…

I became.

On four legs I was stronger, faster. The cold’s grip ceased, and my world was enriched with scents: the sweet fragrance of wildflowers and pine resin and the smoky heather and the deep, musky moss intensified, and then-

The scent.

The one most magical. When she’d be clean and dry in her warm bed, I would read her a bedtime story and kiss her head goodnight.

Holly’s shampoo.

Among the plethora of scents, this is what I desired. And I was hungry. Hungry to hold her.

I was fast.

I was strong.

I would find her.

I ran with the white wolf, following her scent.

Streaking out of the forest and descending into small valleys and leaping over rocks and over large stretches of heather, shining in the moonlight, and then crashing back into another thicket of trees.

Her scent intensified.

As strong as it was when she would read aloud to me, while curled up against me in bed.

We burst out of the trees and into a clearing. The moon shone on a frozen lake.

Slowing.

No… had to keep going.

Had to find Holly.

Had to…

Sluggish, I could only watch as the white wolf tore away, leaving me.

The vibrant scents faded, and I once again became prisoner to the cold.

Stumbling, I fell and cut my knee, my human skin bled, I cried out.

I had failed…

I couldn’t smell her anymore.

A man, with his back turned. He stood, looking over the ice.

I walked over. Could it be…

Slowly, he turned to face me.

My heart sang as I saw his face, alive. His smiling, shining eyes.

His eyes sang the way they had done before the disease stole his mind, his memories, his body and his life.

‘Clara!’ He took me in his strong arms. Leather, tractor oil and cigar smoke.

Tears stung my eyes. He was back! And he knew who I was!

His body, warm and without the scent of decay and the nursing home.

‘Is Holly with you, Dad?’

Familiar confusion descended on my dad’s face.

He studied me intently. The wrinkles on his thick brow thinking. He looked at me for a long time and a deep realisation embraced him.

He finally said, ‘Holly would never leave you, you need to leave this place.’

The warmth of his hands left, and I realised that he had gone.

It was so unlike him. The hurt tore into me, why didn’t he want to stay with me?

Alone.

    A howl - not alone.

A wolf…

It padded towards me across the frozen lake, its coat black.

Shining black.

It’s piercing black eyes, beckoning me to go with him.

It stopped before me, it slowly bowed its huge head.

And I understood what it wanted, what I had to do.

Do I have to?

Its patience was waning. Of course I did.

I had always known.

Could I plead for more time with her?

The wolf leapt onto me and I fell backwards onto the frozen ground.

He sunk his teeth into my throat, hungry.

Crushing numbness descended and I knew I could finally relax, I could stop.

Stop searching, pushing myself on…

What had I been searching for anyway?

My sluggish mind recalled what Dad had told me and I realised that he was the only one who knew what was happening to me. Had to leave this place. Had to find it, find the…

The scent.

Surreal and out of place, clear and vibrant with a screaming urgency: Holly’s Shampoo.

It screamed to me, pulling me. I chased it and I wanted it more than anything, but the more I chased it the more it hurt, but I had to follow it...

After what seemed an eternity of pain, the wolf howled in defeat and left.

My body screamed...

My heavy eyes opened but I could not move my neck.

A hospital room, why?

What happened to me?

I was alone.

I tried to remember something. Running, a wolf… and speaking with my Dad, but we had buried him years ago…

Her head was on my chest, her hair tickling my lips, and my nose found her scent: Holly’s shampoo.

I felt the tears come and I finally understood. I tried to move my broken body and as I grunted with the pain and effort, the hospital bed squeaked as a weight on my body shifted and I could see her face, red and swollen and crying; she was exhausted. Dazed, disoriented and scared, but her face changed in an instant when she met my eyes.

Crying, choking, delighted and snotty.

My body couldn’t return her hug, but my heart was singing and pouring my love into her.

Dad had been right; she had not left me.

‘Found you.’ I whispered, as she cried into my neck.