Longing

She rolls over in her bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to find the will to get up. Her long brunette hair is working its way out of the loose ponytail she had from the night before. She slowly blinks and wipes the crust from the corners of her deep brown eyes. The eyes that once held some much joy and life. The eyes that used to light up a room, accompanied by a wide smile with sparkling teeth.

No one has seen that smile in weeks. No one has seen that old girl in weeks. These days, she barely showers. It’s an unbearable feat to get out of bed. Simple tasks she used to do without even thinking, now seem to drain the life out of her.

She manages to roll to her side and stares at the orange dog collar on her nightstand. Remembering how just three weeks ago, she would wake up to the foul mouth kisses from her furry best friend. Remembering how she would push him away because she found his stinky breath unbearable. Thinking how much she regretted ever doing that. Thinking how all she wanted now were those sloppy, foul smelling kisses.

Her eyes start to bubble with silent tears. It’s been weeks honey, come on, let’s go get some coffee, her mom’s voice coos in her head. 

She attempts to blink the tears away, but a few still manage to escape. She grabs the collar from the nightstand and hugs it to her heart. He lived a long life. He lived a happy life, her boyfriend’s voice chimes in now.

It seems to those around her that no matter what they said or did, there was no cheering her up. There was no repairing this hole that was in her heart. She couldn’t just forget about him. He was her best friend. He was there for her when she needed him most. He was with her through her highest highs and lowest lows. He never judged her. She can’t just forget him and move on.

She rolls to her opposite side, closes her eyes, and lifts the collar to her nose. She takes in a long breath, breathing in what was left of the wet dog smell that always seemed to follow him. I still can’t believe you're gone, she thinks to herself.

Her eyes fall closed again. She falls back asleep, gripping the collar so hard her knuckles turn white. She gets taken back to that day at the vet. The last time she would take her best friend.

The night prior, she gave him all the treats he wanted, no matter what mess it would cause during the night. They cuddled on her bed and watched all of their favorite movies together, sharing popcorn during the marathon. She took in every moment on the verge of tears. She was fully aware that this would be his last night doing everything they loved together. But he was as happy as he always seemed, wagging his tail and leaning in for endless cuddles.

They fell asleep to the sound of Beauty and the Beast. She hugged him tightly to her chest, ensuring she would remember the way he felt in her arms. The way he smelt when she put her face on the back of his neck. The way he turned over every now and then to land a sloppy kiss on her face.

The next day she woke up with him in her arms. She couldn’t stop the tears streaming from her eyes. She shut them tightly to stop them, not wanting to worry him in his last hours. But this effort didn’t do much. A loud sob escaped her throat and he stirred awake, prepared to comfort her like he always did.

He rolled to face her in her queen sized bed and licked the tears from her cheeks as they streamed down. He shoved his large frame into her until she wrapped her arms around him tightly and rested her head on his back. He panted heavily, making her head fall up and down roughly. 

The two of them did this numerous times throughout their lives, but she couldn’t get past that this would be their last time. The last time he would be there to comfort her during her lows. How was she going to get through life without her best friend by her side? 

They sat like that for hours. Neither wanted to let go of the other. She held him tightly in her arms and he pressed against her with all his weight. They sat like that until her mom opened her creaky door, she glanced at her, but didn’t let go of him. 

Her mom walked over to them and lifted a hand to her shoulder. She gripped her shoulder and gave her a gentle shake, letting her know it was time to go. 

She carried him to the car, not wanting him to waste any energy on a walk to the car. Right before his last car ride. She and her mom agreed they would take the long way to the vet. Driving the winding country roads, letting the breeze stream in through the windows, allowing him to happily stick his head out and lick up the wind and eat any bugs that smacked his tongue.

The car ride that day was silent. The only sounds that could be heard was the wind, the snap of his mouth as he attempted to eat whatever he was aiming for, and the low pop music that was only on to distract from the otherwise deafening silence.

She sat in the back seat with him, letting him sit and fart on her lap the entire way, realizing how much she was going to miss his farts when he was gone. Realizing how much she was going to miss his annoying clinginess when he was gone. How much she was going to miss his random midnight barks. His morning zoomies. His thrashing bedtime movements. Realizing how much she was going to miss everything about him.

She carried him into the clinic, her mom at her side. They were escorted to a room immediately and had a few minutes to say their last goodbyes. She dreamt how tightly she held him. How hard she cried into his fur. How she soaked it in tears and snot.

The vet came back in with a needle. The silence was deafening as he entered the room. He and her mom had a short conversation. Their words just mumbles as she focused on hugging him tightly, letting him lick the tears from her face one last time. She struggled to pull herself away as the vet approached. She pet his head with one hand and removed his collar with the other. She gripped the collar tightly and took one of his paws, staring into his dark eyes as the needle went in.

He slowly let out his last breath and she let out a blood curdling sob that she had been hoping to hold in until she was alone in her bed. Her mom rushed over to comfort her, but nothing helped. She collapsed onto his lifeless body and wrapped her arms around him, but this time, he didn’t lean back.

Her eyes shoot open and she jolts up in her bed, still clinging to the orange collar. Tears pour from her eyes, she pulls her knees to her chest, and grips the collar close to her heart once again. Longing for her best friend once again.