Babies Cry

Content Warning: This story explores themes of mental health difficulties that may be triggering to some readers.

Names have been changed for safety and privacy reasons

“You are such a bad mum.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. Listen to him.”

“He’s crying. Babies do that.”

“They do that when they have needs that are not being met. You are not meeting his needs.”

“I’m literally changing his nappy right now.”

“But that’s not what he wants.”

“I know. But he has pooped, and he needs his nappy changed.”

“So you know it will upset him, but you are doing it anyway. How is that not a bad mum?”

“Because he needs it. If I don’t change him, he will get nappy rash and be in pain.”

“He’s in pain right now.”

“He’s fine. He just wants milk.”

“So you know what he wants, and yet you aren’t giving him it.”

“I will in a moment, I just need to change him first.”

“But look how upset he is! He’s so distressed and it is your fault. You are a dreadful mother.”

“Stop saying that. I’m trying.”

“Trying to upset him from the looks of it. And doing a damn good job.”

“Oh look, he’s crying again. How are you failing him this time?”

“I’m not failing him. He’s tired. It’s nap time.”

“So why isn’t he cuddled in having his milk and nap?”

“Because I had to pee first.”

“So you decided your needs are more important than his, did you?”

“No, I decided that it is better for me to use the loo now rather than interrupt his nap because I need in half an hour.”

“You would interrupt his nap?”

“If it were that or pee myself, yes.”

“So you are putting yourself first?”

“I’m not.”

“Yes you are. God, what kind of a mother are you, doing that? Poor Owen.”

“I’m headed downstairs with him for nap time now.”

“But you left him to get into a state first. You must be the worst mum ever.”

“I’m not a bad mum!”

“You are a terrible mum.”

“He’s cuddled in and happy now.”

“He should have been cuddled in and happy five minutes ago.”

“Seriously?”

“What?”

“You hear him right now?”

“Yes. I’m getting up.”

“You know he is crying because he is alone.”

“I know. That’s why I’m going to him.”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Well why is he alone?”

“Because it is 3am and he’s in bed.”

“But he doesn’t want to be. He wants you to cuddle him all night.”

“I can’t. That’s not safe sleep.”

“You could, if you stayed up.”

“All night?”

“It would make him happy.”

“And wear me out completely. I’m not a machine. I need sleep too.”

“Typical.”

“What?”

“Putting your needs ahead of Owen’s. Again.”

“How is getting enough sleep to function putting my needs first?”

“Is it what he wants?”

“A functioning mother? I assume so.”

“Being apart from you.”

“No, he doesn’t want that. But we both need sleep.”

“Again with your own needs. If you were a good mum, you would put those aside and focus on Owen’s needs.”

“Did you seriously just ask Seth to look after Owen for a half hour so you could sit and write your book?”

“Yes, why?”

“How is that fair in any way?”

“I don’t follow.”

“Seth has been at work all day. He has been on his feet in a stressful environment. Do you think he wants to come home and have to do things here as well?”

“He is fine with it. He knows I need down time.”

“There you go again.”

“What?”

“Thinking about your own needs. You know you don’t matter as much as they do, right?”

“I know.”

“You’re so selfish. You should be downstairs looking after Owen right now.”

“He’s fine, he has Seth.”

“But we’ve just covered that. Seth has been at work all day. He deserves a rest.”

“It’s only a half hour. And he offered.”

“You should have said no.”

“I have to take half an hour a few times a week to avoid burning out.”

“And that’s another thing. What kind of mother burns out? What kind of mother needs to be apart from their child?”

“All of them?”

“Nope. Just you. You need to be away from him and choose to be away from him, even though you know he wants you around. You are literally the worst mum on earth.”

“It’s only half an hour.”

“Does he see it that way? No. He is sat down there wondering if he will ever see you again.”

“He’s with his Daddy. He is fine.”

“And if he’s not? What if he needs you?”

“I’m only upstairs.”

“But you should be with him.”

“He’s fine.”

“You know what? You’re right. He is fine. He’s absolutely fine without you. What does that say? He doesn’t need you. He’d probably be better off without you all the time.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is. You know it. Just think how much happier he would be if you weren’t there to mess everything up all the time. And not just him, but Seth as well. Everyone really.”

“They love me.”

“Do they? You are difficult to love. Wouldn’t they be better off without you?”

“They love me.”

“They tolerate you.”

“Well, here we are again. What’s your excuse this time?”

“I don’t know.”

“You mean you don’t have one.”

“I don’t know how to help him.”

“I knew it! I’ve told you from the start that you’re a useless mother.”

“I want to make it better.”

“But you can’t. What does that say about you?”

“That I’m a bad mother.”

“You are a terrible mother. Listen to him screaming. And all he has is you. The worst mother in the world who can’t even fix it when he is upset.”

“I want to. I want to fix it. But I don’t know what’s wrong!”

“Well, for a start, he has you for a mother.”

“How do I help him? I want to help him!”

“You can’t. You are such a pathetically dreadful mother that you can’t comfort your baby. He would be better off with someone else. He deserves so much better.”

“I know.”

“He deserves so much better than you.”

“He deserves so much better than me.”