Healing

When did I move on? How come I never noticed the pain diminish? How can I still be worthy of you when you don't consume me anymore, when I can mention your name and laugh in the same sentence? I wanted you to forever be the master of my thoughts, never relenting on your memory. I wanted you to cause me grief until the end so that I may never lose you. I would’ve gladly let obsession overtake my being, let your voice haunt me to no end. But I've let you go. I've let you rest and let myself be free from suffering. 

It’s true your picture still brings tears to my eyes, blurring your smile and essence that can be felt through the dusty glass. But I don't cry long enough for my eyes to be puffy, I simply smile as I walk past the memories we captured together. The moment is so fleeting I know how little I will cherish it. 

I wonder if the little impact you have on my life now is healthy? Should I have worked harder to keep you with me? Or is that selfish, keeping your memory from being free to dance in the wind with all the souls who passed before you? Is it horrible to want to keep this selfishness with me? I worry I have lived this way too long with no regrets. I worry that you are not at peace, that you are angry at me for living this way. But deep down, I know. I know you are a beauty, of body and soul, and you only ever wanted what was best for me. I can question if this is it, I can go down a new path, another unhealthy addiction filled with anxiety and fear, but I am still happy. Why did I have to know the most awful pain first, though? Why did I have to experience horrifying thoughts about how I should cope? Why did I suffer to a degree where it feels surreal to be calm? Perhaps I'm destined to live without answers, as I never got any for why it had to be you to leave, why I couldn't do anything to help, why the world kept turning when you were gone. 

The air isn't silent and still anymore like it was when you took your last breath. I'm not struggling to sleep anymore like I was when all I could see was your tears when I closed my eyes. I'm not lost in silence anymore, waiting for my end to come. Sorrowful and consoling glances don't follow me anymore, attempting to save me from myself. It's quiet still, not because I find myself forgetting to breathe, but because of the simple calm acts of living. 

I never imagined I'd reach the peace I've found now. I couldn't even try and comprehend a life without the aching pain of your loss intruding on my life every moment of every hour. Everyday was torture and proof that darkness will overcome all that is good and loving over and over again. I felt as if I couldn't breathe and yet I couldn't die. I couldn't join you away from the cage of existence.

But, you’ll be happy to know, the time I was affected wasn't eternity. The scars on my soul didn't last endlessly, they faded away like the pain. They didn't stay, they even left quickly. I maul over how my pain, it so intense and agonising, it deafening, disheartening, brutal to every aspect of living, vanished after so little time. I whined and cursed and acted foolish and broken to everyone around. I was someone who was on a path of no redemption. Someone to worry for, for their trauma was too much. And yet, I healed. I continued as normal as any human is. I became bright and forgiving and victorious when the memories, the scars, the pain of the trauma of losing someone like you tried to take over once more. It was funny how time wasn't the enemy I thought they would be. Something I dreaded its abundance of was the least of my worries. It was instrumental in letting me create a new life, one where you weren't a part of it, the very thing you prayed I would find once we found out your fate. You never wanted me to suffer, but suffer I did. I suffered to such depths, with such passion, but not for such time. 

I never got used to the pain. It diminished, it faded, but I never learned to survive the ache of what I was feeling. I wonder if people question why I was so unable to control the tortured groan of my soul when our life wasn't perfect. Our love was nothing for the poets to draw from for ages to come. But we chose each other each and every day. I must’ve been the bane of your existence at times, but you still chose me, even when those times clouded a brighter future. We looked after each other and sacrificed and laughed. We were nothing special and I can't even pretend we were. 

But when you left I thought I was going to forever be stuck as that version of myself in constant pain and darkness because of my grief. I was angry and sad. They felt the same for so long. I cursed the world, hated it for taking you. I didn’t allow anyone else to be in my life for so long. I was poisoned by my grief and never thought I would recover. It's funny how wrong I always am. Because here I stand, at peace with myself. 

I manage my days without shedding tears simply from the hurt of existing. I enjoy the company of friends, new and old, laughing and telling stories and recalling memories of all of us. I dance alone in the house smiling feeling free of any weight that ever held me down. I live on without you. 

I've moved on. It's a painful idea in itself but I'll handle it. I'm happy and I have to live with that sin everyday.