The Ultimate Facade

THE ULTIMATE FACADE

  I drew in a long, deep breath, sucked my tiny, crepe covered wings back into the porous bone of my shoulder blades, and slid screaming out into the cold, bright world. I innately knew I couldn’t keep my feathers on this journey, so I had delighted in their presence while I still had them, fluttering around in twists and turns as my mother rubbed her stomach trying to rid herself of digestive distress.  I didn’t mean to cause her concern, of course. I knew my purpose was to bring joy. But I savored the lightness and freedom that was soon to fade, along with the memory of where I had come from and who I really was.

  There seemed to be light everywhere. And noise. At first, I craved the darkness and silence that had held me for so long.  There, I had been caressed in a warm, silent, liquid love that never dissipated or changed. But out here, everything was different. There were coos and laughter and song and whispers that echoed always in my ears. There were eyes staring at me, hands reaching for me, mobiles rotating above my head, and music and voices emanating from sources beyond my sight. And the colors! As vibrant reds and greens and yellows began to emerge before me, I was stunned at the brightness of the world. I started to forget the dull black and white that I had first known and began to crave the reflections of the rainbows that surrounded me.

  I loved the nurturing taste of warm milk and later was awakened by the brilliant flavor burst of fruits and vegetables in my mouth. It was like I was eating all of the colors of the world. I delighted in making my own noise, setting myself apart from the symphony of sound around me. I laughed at faces and reached for the shiny baubles that dangled before my eyes. Touches warmed and soothed me if I became frightened. And I learned that smiles can feed a different kind of hunger and make me feel full.

  For a while I held tight to the thread of memory that followed me into this world. I had been many places and was part of many souls. I was a tiny ripple in a larger river of life that flowed through many universes.  This body I was in now was only temporary and illusory. And I would one day return to my real self, the force that fed the breath of life. But as I grew and began to be pulled into the energy of my present world, that memory dissolved until it was only wisps of awareness, and later just a vague, faint feeling of a larger connectiveness. Then, as I began to take my first steps, it fled altogether from my consciousness. When I found my own words and could communicate with those around me, I no longer had any inkling of where I had come from.  

  I had many lessons to learn. The things I liked to touch were not always touchable. Toys I thought belonged to me did not always remain mine. I tried to demand control of my world, even when to eat or sleep, but was not always successful.  Sometimes the people closest to me would not be there. Sometimes those same people would raise their voice and scold me for just being inquisitive. But sometimes they were all I needed as I fell sleep on their shoulder, hiccupping from crying about something I could not even remember. 

  One of my greatest delights was finding friends. There were so many games to play, races to run, and jokes to tell.  We would swing for hours as I was propelled to the height of rooftops. It sometimes seemed like I was high enough to touch the stars.  Along with my buddies, I learned to count and read and desire to know more and more. There were sleepovers and secret passwords and plans to conquer make believe enemies.  I learned to have patience, to share, and to not talk in a way that would hurt the feelings of others. I learned to say I’m sorry and to not turn away when someone else was apologizing. 

  This body that I had so long ago understood was ephemeral, began to plague me with growing anxiety. It was out of my control, and I was stuck in it forever. It grew and changed—totally on its own—and I had no say in the matter. I wanted to remain cocooned in the straight lines and lithe dance of childhood. But suddenly life and I had curves and soft edges. All around me there was talk of maturity and growth and vision for the future. I had to learn still more lessons about acceptance and letting go.

  I focused on absorbing new views, experiences, and connections. Since my mind often plagued me with worry about the future, I tried to dissolve my awareness in the warm broth of substances and risky adventures. Life was fun and bright and loud. I wanted only to be focused on this captivating here and now. And, for the most part, I was successful. My brain rested more comfortably, but I also forgot the stirring of a call for real purpose that was trying to seep through the edges of my thrill-seeking thoughts. 

  I then entered a period of my life when I thought I was creating the person I thought I had always wanted to be—successful, vivacious, rich with material comfort. Of course, unbeknownst to me then, it was only a charade. But at the time, I thought I was on the right road. I had everything I thought I wanted. I was surrounded by luxury and prosperity. Life became easy and smooth. People knew my name and called out to me as I walked down the street.  They wanted to be like me. And I thought that should be enough. 

  But there was something missing. I couldn’t put my finger on it right away, but it felt hollow and vapid.  I sometimes felt like I was walking in a fog—not being able to make out the details of the world right in front of me.  My life was rote and flaccid.  I felt like I was trying to catch the wind in my fingers. I wallowed in that emptiness for several years until I finally met someone who would put a name to that void in my life. Love. I remembered it from another life as soon as I felt it. Ubiquitous and numinous. All encompassing. The only melody ever written. 

  My love stayed by my side. We danced, hand in hand, through years of hope and challenge. We brought new life into this world and watched as older life faded back into the heavens. We grieved and celebrated and anticipated the milestones of our children. We thought we knew the very souls of each other. Life, once racing down the slope at breakneck speed, now seemed to coast fluidly along a flat trail-- for a while.  I thought I was content and at peace, but there was a nagging craving for more that ate at me late at night.  I was restless. I remained gripped by the desire for possessions, so I sacrificed contentment and precious time for the long hours of productivity. And I drifted further from my love. I had yet to learn the hard lessons of empathy, purpose, and priority.  

  And then my world was upended when the heavens reached down and snatched my love away, leaving me questioning the very existence of God.  Was it punishment deserved for a life spent focused on trying to feel and hold on to joy in its many forms? I had never strived to know or understand anything spiritual or larger than myself. I felt like I had been a good person but maybe I had missed an important path that would have led me higher. Why did I deserve to be alone at this time in my life? I folded into myself and grieved for loss and mistakes and the wave of pity that enveloped me. And the years continued to slip through my fingers.

  There is a similarity between time and the human body. Both become slower and more brittle with age, feeble warp of passing minutes and aging cells, disintegration of both muscle and the measure of an hour.  So, I watched, like a bystander to an accident, as my body began to age.  I remembered that old teenage angst of impotence at stopping change, but this time I understood there was nothing I could do to stop its unrelenting pursuit.  My breath did not come easy and there was a dull ache in my bones.  The world of sight and sound dulled around me. My waning balance caused me to teeter as I shuffled from room to room. So, I often sat in my chair and just reflected on the joys I had felt and the mistakes I had made. I thought I had learned a lot in my life, but I was not able to articulate many of the lessons. I often questioned who was this person that I became? Should I have strived to do something different in my life? What had I actually learned on this journey? I had the sense that I had been acting while wearing a mask, but I had no idea how to remove the veil. 

   Energy is made up of strands of strength gathered from the open hands of the universe. Minute particles of light born out of successful, benevolent deeds mesh together to form a fabric of vigorous, unseen spirit that adorns the body of each of us. What seems solid, permanent, and real in our lives is actually deceptively fluid and delusive, while the invisible cloaks we wear grow in length and vibrancy with each new challenge that is overcome with compassion.  This vestment turns into wings that will eventually catch the wind and send a soul soaring. Hidden wings; we all have them. I remembered all of this on the day that my earthly veneer dissolved, and my true self passed into the larger life of the heavens.  I was able to know, as I had known in utero, that the life we carry now, with all of its hard edges, grief, and perceived success is actually an elaborate façade, hiding the very essence of our real self. That self is as fluid as the ocean and as uncontainable as the wind. 

  My true spirit lingered briefly in gratitude before its next journey. I watched the recollection of the memories of my family and friends and the differences that I had made. I was able to know then the inner longings of the lives I had impacted. And I saw the destinations of all of the paths I had crossed, even if only briefly. My spirit was in every room I had ever occupied with all of my former companions and also out dancing in the breeze that blew across every town I had visited and every mountain I had climbed. 

     A magnificent symphony of flowing flutes, violins, and clarinets serenaded my spirit with their cascading melody of light and water as I looked one last time into the reflection of the love I had known and the brightness I had held as I journeyed all those years toward my real self.   Then I stretched out my wings, now boundless in width and bright with the sun’s reflection and soared into my next life to take on another earthly façade.