My Midnight Half

 Friday, September 18, 1992

  It is midnight and no surprise I can't sleep. I have so many things going on in my head that I can't just relax. I feel a heavy weight that keeps me knocking me down, I wish it could go away and that's why I get help. It's been over 5 months since I started writing in this journal but I haven't seen any progress. It's practically me writing the same thing over and over again, every night. I still can't understand my therapist's point of this. She says “Jonathan, expressing your feelings in your journal can help us to understand what's going on inside your mind”, but every time I go to the meeting she just reads this and takes notes, she doesn't even try to talk to me. Although I can't blame her, one reason is that I don't even want to talk to her because I'm really shy, and the other reason is that she might be scared of me, like my parents, which I don't understand. I am a very sweet and kind person, maybe because of my shyness she doesn't like me. So Ms. Cheney, the next time we meet and you are reading this particular sentence, let's talk and be friends, you may just be my first friend ever. I never really had friends, and I think  I'll never have one. I'm homeschooled, only child and soon I'll graduate but I don't know what to study so I'll stay here with my loving parents. And thinking about it more deeply, I don't think I can make friends of my own in the real world, I'll probably make them mad because of my short temper and I forget almost everything, I can't even remember my childhood, it's all just a blur. But I honestly don't care, I can tell you right now that my childhood was full of happiness and love, I can feel it because that's what I feel everyday. Except when it's night time, I feel pain in my brain and I wish it could go away but I don't know how to. I want to try taking some pills but I can't find them anywhere in the kitchen. I try to sleep but these feelings in my head annoy me. The only thing I can do to try to relieve it is to drink water but it still doesn't help. I just write in this journal to see if in a couple of weeks or months someone can tell me what to do so I can feel better.

Finally, I was waiting to write because boy I have some juicy stuff to tell you today Ms. Therapist. So let's see, Oh yeah, yesterday I was telling you about my music tastes, listening to a lot of rock, especially my favorite song “You’re Just Dead Skin To Me” by Primal Scream. I love that band, I can relate so much that it is surreal. I can feel alive, free, bad, I absolutely love it, it lets me be, me. Now let me tell you about my childhood, I remember it completely, every single detail. I had a very horrible childhood, my parents were always arguing about me, saying that I was a cruel, evil, heartless child, but couldn't blame them. I always broke the rules, did whatever I wanted and since a very, very, very young age, I was insanely smart. Going to kindergarten my parents told me to not let anybody get in my way, and that was the only time I took somebody's advice and followed it till this day. I remember this girl, she was very pretty but too angelical for my taste. I always was staring at her, reading her like a book and she was the only person in my entire life that made my laugh of joy every time I talked to her. But she wasn't like me, nobody in my class was like me and that made me furious. So on her birthday at lunch time, I gave her a black heart shaped card with a message that said “Your smile kills me and I hope mine kills you too”, she looked at me very schooked and a little bit of fear, she only said thanks and left. I was so devastated that I remember coming home from school and crying non stop until I fell asleep. But then I recall the advice, so the next day at school when nobody was watching, I grabbed a pencil and stabbed it in her eyes as deep as I could, but it felt very good and I certainly don't regret it. Sure I got in trouble but I made it look like an accident, I was crying like a baby and starting to apologize, then everyone believed it, except my parents. I got away with it, but then my parents started to homeschool me, cause they know the truth, they know the demon of a child they have. But fun fact, they can never get rid of me, and that's the best part. I’m gonna be in their lives FOREVER, but then they thought of replacing me. At the age of 7 I got a little sister, which I never ordered. And then all the attention was for her. My parents ignored me and didn't care about me, but instead of feeling sad, I just got very mad. So I started thinking, and I had to get her out of my way so I did. Very late at night when my parents were asleep, I got up and watched for a while the few minutes of life of my 6 month baby sister. But then I got tired so I started the process, I went to the bathroom and prepared a bath. Once it was completely full I grabbed my baby sister and lay her down in the water for a very long time, as I watched her suffer I sang to her a lullaby like any big brother would do and then I let her alone in the bathroom. Now I can get the attention that I deserve. Afterwards, my parents got extremely mad and even considered giving me up for adoption, but thanks to my wonderful other half Jonathan, because of our Dissociative Identity Disorder I wont and cant go anywhere. I am Than, meaning of death, the other personality Jonathan has in his mind, the one that keeps him awake at night. I have a lot of evil, awful, deathly plans that I want to do, but I know, I will do it eventually. So prepare the world for what's about to come.

And there it is, the proof that I have a ghost in my room. I am not crazy, every night it makes me pass out so it could write in my journal and say awful things that I could never think of or do And a variety of lies about me and my childhood, that obviously are not true. I would never hurt a girl and if I had a sister I would take care of her, not kill her, that's insane. Don't listen to it, don't believe it. I am Jonathan, simply and only Jonathan, I am a very caring and loveable person who won't hurt a fly. Now Ms. Cheney, be my friend and trust me, I won't hurt you. But don't dare to cross me, nighty night.