The Gift of a Blank Book

3/25 

Dear diary, that’s what you’re supposed to say right? I’ve never done this before. My therapist Danny gave me this notebook and told me I should start keeping a diary, I said that a diary is something a 13-year-old girl uses to write about her crush, and he said I can call it a journal if that makes me feel better. So here I am… I don’t have much to say at the moment, life’s good, I honestly don’t even know why I’m in therapy. Bye, I guess… I don’t know how to end one of these. 

3/26 

Hi, me again. Danny also suggested I write every day, either in the morning or night would be the easiest he said. So it’s Friday night, and I’m about to go out with my girls. Jess, my best friend says we have to go out every Friday night, I think it’s a little much. She also likes to nitpick me a bit, what I wear, or sometimes even what words I use while speaking, but I love her so I don’t mind much. That is until she ditches us mid-conversation to flirt with someone at the bar. 

3/27

Hi, it’s Saturday, and it’s currently 10:35 AM. I got up early this morning, went for a run, cleaned up the apartment a bit, and made breakfast. I’ve been on a new fitness kick these past few weeks but I’ve been taking it easy and setting realistic goals, it’s been working out for me. I even started talking to someone I always see at the gym, just went right up to them and said hello, I’ve always been that way now that I think of it, able to talk to anyone. 

3/28

I think I might be the dumbest person ever… is dumbest even a word? Jess and I were having a little late Sunday morning brunch, and I felt so small. Nothing I did was right, I didn’t know where the breakfast spot was so I got a little lost, Jess was pissed. Not that she did anything out of line to show it, she just gave me that look she does, almost like a look you would give a child if they told you that they could fly, the “sure you can!” look. Then when we were ordering I stuttered on the word omelette, Jess couldn’t help but laugh. I know I should be more positive. The rest of the brunch was fine, Jess went on and on about the guy she met at the bar on Friday night. I rarely get a word in during our Sunday brunches, it’s okay though, I have to work on being a better listener.  

3/30

Hi diary, I forgot to write yesterday… oops. It was a fine day, a good day I guess. Now it’s Tuesday night, nothing crazy to report on. Like I said or should I say “wrote” before… get it? Oh my god am I really making jokes to my diary? Anyway, I don’t really see what this is doing for me besides adding another thing to my to-do list. 

3/31 

Hi, me again. I’m not going to lie I am feeling a bit lonely tonight, but I don’t know why. I have friends, not a lot but a few good ones. I of course have my best friend Jess and I’m sure if I texted her right now and asked her to hang out she would, but I end up feeling more alone after. Maybe something is wrong with me. Why can’t I just hang out with my best friend and talk about people we hate, more like people she hates. Jess is someone who loves to hate. But I can’t do that because I want to talk about the meaning of life and what I would love to do someday, “silly stuff” as Jess calls it. Maybe I am a 13-year-old girl after all. 

4/1

Jess is actually the worst ever. She makes me so mad! Deep down in her cold black heart, she must hate me or something because why else would she treat me like this? I can’t do this anymore. I hate her. 

4/2

I’m a horrible person and a horrible friend. Thank goodness I didn’t say any of that to her face, I would feel so bad, I feel so bad even having just written it down on paper. I’m going to blame it on mood swings, I guess I just have uncontrollable mood swings now? We’re going out tonight, I’ll be really nice to her and maybe that will make me feel less bad? I sound even worse now. 

4/3 

Another uneventful day. My friend Jayla needed help moving so I took the day off work to help her. I work every other Saturday for some extra cash for this and that. Jayla felt so bad I had to take the day off that she insisted she pay me. I turned it down, of course, I would never take money from a friend after offering to help. Plus it was fun to spend the day with Jayla, she’s the type of friend to ask you how your family is. I love that. 

4/4

I don’t understand how someone can not have a best friend. There are those people with so many friends but they hang out with a different person every day, I couldn’t do that. I’m lucky I have my best friend. Jess and I have known each other since elementary school and our friendship hasn’t changed. That can go on my list of things I’m grateful for, You're welcome Danny. 

4/5 

I really thought I was going to be able to do it this time. Every week Jess and I have this little unspoken competition about who did better that week, who worked the most hours or went to the gym the most. Jess wins every week and every week I am happy for her but it just gets hard. I know I know “Comparison is the thief of joy”, but it’s almost impossible not to compare when it’s the first thing she brings up when we sit down. I need to be better, I know.

4/6 

I used to think I was an extrovert but not anymore. I have no social energy, it’s horrible. I hate when I have to turn down Jess when she asks to hang out but I can’t do it. I come home after and feel so tired even if it’s only 7 PM. I’m turning into an old woman I swear. 

4/7

I just get these random bursts of anger lately, I don’t understand why. Danny says that anger is a secondary emotion and there is always a deeper emotion causing you to react with anger but I’m just angry. I’m not sad, I’m not hungry, I’m angry. It feels like I’m being eaten alive. 

4/8 

Dear diary, Danny said now that it’s been two weeks I should go back and read my past entries. I’m an idiot, and Jess would agree because she either hates me or is a truly horrible friend, either way, I think she’s genuinely breaking me.