Hello Goodbye

The end began with a cry.

"It's a girl," the doctor happily announced as he gently finished pulling the baby out the rest of the way, and reached to the instrument table beside him to grab what looked like a pair of very large scissors.

Almost immediately following the doctor's announcement, the baby began to wail. Upon hearing her first cry, Sarah dropped her head back down onto the pillow behind her with a sigh of both intense relief and unrelenting sorrow, wishing she too could wail as the baby did. The baby continued to cry as the doctor snipped the umbilical cord and passed her off to the gaggle of nurses beside her. The wailing seemed to ricochet off the walls of the otherwise silent hospital room, and as the baby continued to make herself know to the world, Sarah vaguely registered the doctor finishing up, and the nurses bent over the plastic cradle cleaning the baby up.

Sarah squeezed her eyes tightly shut fighting back the tears that desperately wanted to break free. She could hear the nurses talking amongst themselves cooing at the baby and the doctor announcing each step he was taking as he continued to work down between her perched legs. Yet despite all this noise, she felt as if she was trapped underwater. Sounds dulled into meaningless murmurs, and she began to feel as if she was watching a whole other person experience what she'd just gone through. In the back of her mind she knew it had to be her body's way of recognizing that the pain of the physical birth paled in comparison to what was to come next.

After a couple more deep breaths, Sarah opened her eyes, rolling her head to the side just in time to see the nurse headed back towards the bed, a bundled up baby in tow.

"I think someone's excited to meet her mama!" the nurse eagerly exclaimed, reaching over towards the side of the bed to pass the baby off to Sarah.

Sarah stared unflinchingly at the nurse for a moment too long for comfort before simply stating, "I'm not anyone's mother."

A beat of uncomfortable silence ensued, the baby's incessant crying even stopped to bear witness to intensity of the moment.

The nurse, baffled, began to stammer looking between her and Doctor Samuels who was finishing up and putting his instruments back on the tray beside him.

"I don't, I um- but you just, Doctor Sam-" she continued to stutter, eyebrows raised in such confusion that they could no longer be seen under her scrub cap.

"Nurse Samara," Doctor Samuels calmly interjected while standing up and pushing the stool he'd been sitting on aside, "What Ms. Ellerson here means to say, is that this baby's adoptive parents are sitting in Room 12B down the hall".

"Ohhh, I see" the nurse replied in both relief and discomfort.

"Well," the nurse continued, seemingly nonplussed at the awkwardness of the situation, "would you like to hold her before we take her down the hall?"

The nurse stiffly jutted the baby out towards Sarah in both hands, clearly hoping to pass the baby off and escape the awkward situation she'd found herself in. As the baby was thrust forward, she began to wail once more, each cry punctuating to Sarah the end of the very short time they'd had together.

"No," Sarah dully replied, rolling her head away from the expectant nurse and towards the wall, "No, just take her away."

The nurse remained in place, arms full of baby still thrust out into the empty space between them, now unsure of what to do and whether the new mother really meant her words.

"Sarah," Doctor Samuels began, as he stepped over the garbage can, tossing his bloody gloves inside, " I've been at this a long time. There's plenty I still don't know. And I'm sure it'll continue to be that way as long as I work in medicine" he continued.

"But," he said as he made his way back towards the foot of Sarah's bed, pressing two hands firmly down and pulling the railing back up into place, " If there's one thing I do know, is that in these cases, at least in my experience, often times the best way to say goodbye, is to simply say hello."

A beat of silence ensued once more before Sarah turned her head back towards the foot of the bed where Doctor Samuels stood, staring at her with the gentle wisdom that only a doctor and father of so many years could posses. As a wordless exchange ensued between the two, Sarah felt a sudden second wind of strength and knew she needed to act before that spark disappeared once more.

"Can I have ten minutes?" she quietly asked, timidly turning back towards the nurse with her arms somewhat outstretched.

"Oh of course, of course," the nurse replied, before quickly passing the baby off to Sarah and quickly making her way to the door, Doctor Samuels trailing behind her. With a quick nod of acknowledgement from the doctor the door was shut, and Sarah once again found herself alone with the baby that was hers, but yet at the same time wasn't.

Raw pain tearing at her heart, she garnered up the strength to finally look down into her daughter's eyes for the very first and potentially last time ever.

Like a sucker punch to the gut, she stared into a pair of electric brown eyes, that looked back at her with a wisdom that seemed impossible for the mere 8 minutes she'd been alive. It was also in that moment that Sarah realized with sudden clarity, the crying had stopped. As if the baby realized how pivotal this moment was for them both, she stared back at Sarah with a quiet serenity, seemingly at peace for the moment.

"Hi...baby," she unsurely said in greeting to the little alien staring back up at her. "I'm your mama...well at least for the next couple minutes, until you meet your parents."

The baby stared up at her without a blink, completely enraptured.

"I'm not sure where to really begin," Sarah trailed off, "We've had nine months, and suddenly with ten minutes left it feels like there's so much left to be said..."

Gently brushing her fingers over the baby's soft cherub-esque cheek, Sarah began to talk.

"If I'm being completely honest, I never envisioned myself being a mother. I think that always surprised people because I was always the person looking after others, particularly little ones. But, people just never understood that there's such a vast difference between being a mother and mothering. Fun aunts mother. Teachers often mother their students. Neighbors might mother the children next door. But despite my love of all these versions of mothering and the people that make up that community, I truly always saw myself as a part of someone's village- not as that particular someone. Does that make any sense?"

The baby stared back up at her with a dumbfounded look that screamed lady- I just came into the world less than ten minutes ago, and you're asking me if your position on motherhood and preconceived gendered roles makes sense?!

Looking down at this beautiful baby that she suddenly found herself holding after nine months of physical and emotional agony, with a look on her little face that was so hilarious that she really felt for a moment she could understand her, Sarah let out a laugh. That laugh led into another chuckle, and soon another, and for the first time in nearly nine months, Sarah found herself smiling, chest gently shaking as she stared down at her daughter before her.

As her laughter tapered off she gazed around the room, doing her best to commit this moment to memory. She looked down into her beautiful child's eyes once more and continued on.

"Despite everything I just said, the moment I knew I was pregnant I knew you were meant to be. It wasn't because of religion or anything like that- to be frank I actually had an abortion about 12 years ago..." Sarah trailed off, " No, no, it was a deep feeling in my gut that told me you needed to come into the world and take it by storm...even if it was at the expense of breaking my own heart."

"So now here you are, our time together is speeding towards its end, and I just don't know what else there is to say. Your parents are down the hall, and I just know they're going to give you a life of joy and love beyond measure, because I know even just ten minutes after meeting you, that you my dear baby, well you are worthy of every great thing headed your way. And while I may not always be your mama," Sarah's voice cracked, "The ten minutes that I got to be, were ten of the greatest minutes of my life."

Almost like clockwork, Doctor Samuels gently pushed the wooden door open and reentered the room. With glassy eyes Sarah looked up at the politely morose Doctor who was once again standing at the foot of the hospital bed.

"Is it time?" Sarah asked.

"I'm afraid it is," Doctor Samuels replied with a slight nod of his head.

"Okay," Sarah audibly exhaled, looking down at her baby once more. "You remember that this mama loves you too, okay?" she tearfully whispered.

With a gentle kiss on the forehead, she kissed her daughter for the first and last time before extending her arms out to Doctor Samuels who walked around to the side of the bed, grabbed the child, and with one last look at Sarah made his way out of the room.

*** Two Days Later ***

The beginning began with a birthday card.

As Sarah finished up her discharge paperwork she passed the clipboard back to the nurse and swung her legs to the side of the bed. She ached as she stood up and reached for her hoodie, pulling it over her sore body as she threw her duffle on her bed and began organizing her things.

As she grabbed her bag, she turned around to see a purple envelope slip off the chair and onto the floor. Groaning as she bent over to pick it up, she held it up to the nurse who was just about to walk out, asking "what is this?"

"Oh, that's actually for you," the nurse vaguely replied, "I just thought it'd be best for you to get when you weren't doped up or in excruciating pain".

Sarah heard the nurse close the door behind her as she once again looked down at the purple envelope in her hand, muttering to herself in confusion, "For me? What the he--"

Sliding the contents out of the envelope she was surprised to see a birthday card, with a bright sparkly rainbow across the front that said across it, Happy Birthday! You're my pot of gold!

Even more confused than before, Sarah opened the card, blanching when she realized with sudden clarity who the card was from.

Sarah, the card read, We wish we could be more formal, but we understand your last name wasn't provided for privacy reasons- which we completely understand. At the same time, it seems fitting after all we've been through in this time that we are on a first name basis. As you know, our names are Amy and Laurie Sherman, and we are your beautiful girl's adopted parents. We thought a birthday card would be fitting, because not only marks our daughter's birthday, but I think today we were all reborn- in ways I'm sure none of us ever anticipated. We know the card is corny, but we figured it was pretty representative of our family. We take the gift of taking care of and loving your daughter seriously, but we try to not take life too seriously! We just wanted to let you know that while we understand why you didn't want much contact with us over the last 9 months (which we totallyyy get)...that doesn't change the fact that to us you are FAMILY.

Sarah was gobsmacked, only realizing she was crying as she saw her tears begin to hit the card. Continuing on she read, If you ever need anything, whatever it may be, we are just a phone call away. We wrote our number and address below. We mean this from the bottom of our hearts- we all mother in our ways and in our own times. Our child can never have too many parents or too much love, and we hope you'll choose to be a part of our family- in whatever way you see fit. Give us a call when you're feeling up to it. SERIOUSLY. Again thank you, thank you, thank you.

Looking down to the bottom of the card, Sarah did indeed see a phone number and address scrawled beside some xoxo's. Incredulous, she looked up and out the hospital room window in shock before turning around and stuffing the card into her duffle and making her way towards the door. As she made her way to the elevator bank, she watched people flurrying in and out of rooms and in and out of elevators. Hugs hello, waves goodbye. As she then pressed the down button and stepped into the next available elevator, she thought to herself, goodbyes do look a lot like hellos. Perhaps this wasn't the end, that kiss goodbye was just the beginning.