I'm Not a Sasaeng

Kimchi jiggae is my comfort food. I'm a really good cook. I had to teach myself with YouTube videos. They're really handy for learning things like cooking an octopus when you were born into the wrong family. I still don't quite have the knack of that. But I'm a kimchi jiggae expert. I'm sure Taemin will agree. Everyone thinks he's serving his military time right now. It was just perfect timing, really.

I turn off the flame under the pot, then return to my room. It's such a mess right now. I just couldn't decide earlier which dress to wear. But I've decided yellow is best. It makes me look most authentically Korean. I mean, the series of facial surgeries and black hair dye certainly coaxed things along a bit. I'm just so relieved I finally feel like the me I was born to be. I mean, who wouldn't have a hard time picking out an outfit? It's such a special day. 

As I pull the dress over my head, my phone begins to ring. It's BTS's "I'm Fine" so I know it's my boss, Miranda. Ugh! I take a deep breath to prepare myself. "Hello?"

"Juliana, I need you to go cover the latest string of robberies on Fifth Avenue. I'll text you all the details," she demands. 

"Um, excuse you," I correct her. "Juliana's my dead name. I told you that last week, I go by Ji-Ah now. And this robbery thing-–that's not my job. I only cover Korean news and pop culture."

"First off, that is your job. Covering news, regardless of the subject matter is in your job description." The nerve of her to argue with me!

"Listen," I tell her. "If you don't want to respect me, I can easily get a job somewhere else that will! I should be making way more than $20 an hour anyway! I'm hanging up!"

It's supposed to be my day off and she knows that! How dare she try to ruin my day! Deep breaths, Ji-Ah! Deep breaths! I so need to take a few mental health days—like 3 or 4 at this point!

I almost swallow my tonsils as the doorbell rings. Great! Now I have hiccups. 

I go and buzz my friends in. We all look so cute! This definitely requires a few stories posted on Insta and Snap. 

They help me carry all the food to the basement. I'm so excited to see how my song is coming. I tried to pitch the story to Miranda last week, but she's too stupid, old, and out of touch to understand the relevance. I think she's like Gen X or something. Anyway, she grew up with no social media. She had the nerve to tell me that there's no way I could have exclusive access to Taemin when he's in the military. Shows what she knows! I'll be promoted to her job soon because I know what stories really matter this day in age. Plus, she just can't quit being offensive!

"Oh-–hick—my god! These fucking hiccups! Trin—hick—-ity, go get me a spoonful of sugar be—-hick—fore I literally die!" I hand a bowl of kimchi jiggae to Taemin. He just looks at me. "Thank you, Ji-Ah," I remind him. "Hick–god!" You would think he could show a little appreciation for the whole morning I slaved away in the kitchen! Kayla and I finish setting out all the food—kimchi, gimmari, tteokbokki, dakgangjeong, and for dessert hotteok and patbingsu. Finally, Trinity returns with the sugar bowl. We needed it anyway for the plum flower tea. I take a scoop of sugar and try to swallow the gritty mass as quickly as possible. I hear Taemin snicker. I glare at him. It's not my fault I got hiccups!

As we eat—with chopsticks, of course—I ask Taemin how my song's coming along. He shrugs. Somehow, I think he's not taking it as seriously as he should. I want to hear it after we do his exclusive interview after lunch. I check my phone. Why is no one looking at my stories? People really need to pay better attention. I post a selfie with finger hearts. 

As I set my phone down, I notice Taemin staring at me. I don't know why he's gotta be so pissed off all the time. I'm sure it's way better to be getting a break and hanging out in my basement than it would be for him to be working his ass off in the military. I still can't believe how perfectly my plan worked. I heard about those sasaeng fans who tried to kidnap EXO by renting a van and parking it where their van should be. It was a really good try. Didn't work for them, but gave me a bad ass idea. I managed to get an exclusive interview with Taemin. So, I pretended I had a broken leg and he agreed to come do the interview in my company van right before he was supposed to go for his military service. It was so beautiful! He got in and Kayla and Trinity managed to jump on him and tie him up while I hobbled to the front of the van, kicked off my fake cast, and drove us back to my place. It's perfect that everyone thinks he's serving his military time now. 

God, this kimchi jiggae is to die for! I don't eat very much, though. I want to look good in the crop top I'm wearing to the club later. 

Taemin is still picking at his food as I set up the green screen. Kayla and Trinity are laughing about something, looking at Trinity's phone. I hope they can shut up while I'm recording my interview.

"Ji-Ah!" I turn to look at Kayla. "You should just fucking live stream on Insta. Fuck trying to get your bitch of a boss to accept the story. It's your story anyway. Why should anyone else get credit?"

"Yeah," Trinity adds. "Why not?"

"Maybe because I can't completely talk to him without an interpreter since my Korean's not fluent yet. And I was going to call Yui and have her ask him everything in Japanese and have her translate it later so I can caption it," I remind her.

"Oh my god!" Kayla brings her hands to her mouth. This always means she has an idea. "Why don't you just call her up and put her on speakerphone so you don't have to caption anything?"

"That's fucking genius!"

Just as I finish setting up, "I'm Fine" lets me know Miranda apparently didn't get the message the first time. "What?!" I have every right to be annoyed at this point.

"Juliana, I've discussed the situation with Dave and he agrees with me that this isn't working out."

"Are you firing me?" Unbelievable!

The line goes dead. That bitch hung up on me! "Oh–my–god!"

Kayla and Trinity stop laughing over their phones and look at me.

"I cannot believe this just happened! That fucking bitch Miranda just got me fired!"

"Oh my god!" This really is unbelievable!

"Whatever," I tell them. I can't let this ruin my day. I still need to do the interview and have Taemin sing me my song I had him write for me. 

I text Yui. 

Taemin is scooping red beans and fruit onto his patbingsu. At least he's finally eating. 

I check my Insta. One comment on my finger hearts pic. And it's just some stupid scam shit.

"How are you guys doing?" Taemin says in careful English. He looks at me, expectantly. It's about time he decides to enjoy himself. He takes a bite of patbingsu. I go sit across from him and try out a pickup line in Korean that I learned on Duolingo. It's really fucking annoying that they don't tell you what the response should be. 

He smiles. "Wednesday is Taemin's day." He says this in English, but I'm so confused. Kayla and Trinity notice our conversation and scoot chairs to either side of me. "What did he just say?" Trinity wonders.

"Wednesday is Taemin's day," he repeats. 

I roll my eyes. "I don't fucking know," I tell them. "Taemin," I switch to Korean. "Sing me my song, please." He holds up a finger and scoops another bite of patbingsu.

Yui still didn't answer back. I text her again. Finally! I let her know I need her to interpret. She says she's at work, but when she hears it's Taemin, she convinces her boss to let her go on break. 

Kayla's idea really was genius! It's working out so well with Yui interpreting. Our viewer count keeps climbing and we're getting really good engagement from my followers. I can't wait to post the recording and watch it again later. Take that, Miranda! Taemin's even flirting with me a bit! I can't believe it when he offers to sing me my song live on stream!

Suddenly, there is a terrible banging at the door. I jump and gasp. God dammit! My hiccups are back! "Police! Open the door!" Kayla and Trinity scream simultaneously.

Idiots! Now we can't even pretend there's no one here. Before I can even process any of this, Taemin is at the door and several cops are filing in. 

"...sasaeng…." I only catch the one word from Taemin as I am cuffed and forced from my basement. 

"I'm not a—hick—sasaeng!" I yell as I pass him. "I'm a—hick—reporter!"