Penumbra

It was late evening on one of the most beautiful Autumn day. Leaves on the trees in the backyard hang loosely and have started to look more like slightly dreamy orange falling on the ground as wind blows. It was gloomy outside and dark clouds had completely covered sky; gentle air was blowing which made the weather little cold. Raindrops slowly falling from the sky were touching the window glass softly.

After a long and tiring day at work, Kai changed into her loose white top and dark grey joggers pant. She is a young 25-year old woman living in a shared house away from her country, her parents, her childhood friends, and her beautiful house filled with precious good and bad memories. She prefer to ditch dinner today and want to feel and enjoy presence of this perfect weather. She snuggles up into her small warm blue color blanket and grabbed a cup of hot tea made with fresh aroma of black tea leaves along with mixed concoction of condensed milk sprinkled with cinnamon and green cardamom powder.

Staring out from the window, Kai is lost in her thoughts to search for answers she always seeks. She always think about what her future holds, what humanity has come to, how selfish world has become. She opens her Instagram and reads the daily positive quotes to stay out of negativity that states if you think positive, you attract positivity or people with good intentions in your life.  But is she really attracting people with good intentions? Or are these people just two faced?

She is an intelligent girl who is well aware with all kind of news around the world. Effected by the bad news every day, she dreams of taking  control over the world one day and make world a beautiful place to live in. But is also grounded with reality that it’s not the person who is bad, but the circumstances they are facing force them to take bad decisions or shortcuts in order to be successful in life.

Suddenly, she hears knock on her door. Kai snaps out of her thoughts and opens the door. There stands a short but still taller than her Dan, her roommate.

               “Hi!” said Kai

               “Hey!” returned the guy in a soft and subtle voice.

               “I was thinking if you are free to talk for some time?” Dan asked. There was some kind of fear on his face with wrinkles around his eyes as he smiled nervously.

His mouth was trembling as he spoke,” I will be moving out of this house soon.”

Kai startled as she hears this news. Her face became pale as he is a special friend, and she is not ready to lose contact with him yet. Kai only chose to keep specific people in her life, and they are really close to her.

Kai gathered herself and offered to sit in the living area to discuss what happened at work, why he left his job especially during these Covid times where people are facing difficulties finding the job. Being Dan’s roommate for 2 years, I have known him to be very compassionate person who has seen worst days to the point that people have lost lives in front of him. Being a criminal reporter, he understands life is precious.

As Dan spoke further, Kai felt a sudden rush of mixed emotions of fear, sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, since Dan was always protective of her, helpful, easygoing, and joyful person.

Trusting someone has always been a huge lesson/ struggle for her.

Dan said,” People are really becoming toxic at work, they are not the same anymore. They have been deceiving me for their own advantages”.

Kai said nothing. She has struggled with these circumstances in the past and is struggling in present too. People broke her from inside. But, she has been able to cope up with all of it. Kai has now evolved to a new level where she already recognizes when people are taking advantage and when they are genuinely being nice.

She has become this tough girl she never use to be. She is not the same person that people use to see her as and remember her as. Weak, dull, indecisive, oversensitive, overly trusting. A year ago, she and her school friends decided to do a video-call. After an hour of catching up with everyone’s lives.

Serra commented,” You have changed.”

Kai replied,” Things changes, people changes, night changes, place changes, friends changes too sometimes”

Serra went silent. Kai could see pain in her eyes which told her that she went through this too.

Kai simply smiled and answers to herself,” Now I chose to hide my emotions which make me look weak.”

Kai sometimes miss her older self.  Carrying all these thoughts in mind, her mind went heavy. She wished Dan best of luck to work towards his dream job.

               “If you ever need anything, I am always here”  Dan said.

Kai simply nodded. They hugged each other and promised to stay in touch forever. Only few people can hear your silence and Dan was one of them in Kai’s life.

Kai came back in her room. She feels stronger than ever with the fact that people have easily forgot her older existence. And new people he met in life already sees her strong and independent. New her has overshadowed the old her. People tend to forget person whom they manipulated and molded for use. Nobody recall or dare to see her as a weak person she was, unless and until she decides to open up her true self on some elegant dark mornings and soft raindrops like showers of rose petals touching her soul speaking to her every time they fell from the sky. She seeks shelter, guidance, and support once in a while from these mornings. Kai has come very far.

Even after these many years passed, no one has ever told her that they miss old Kai, nor they remember her old version.