One's Needs

“I’m sorry. I can’t. I have to go.”

Valarie watched her husband stand in the rain as they eyed each other wearily. She stood under her porch while he stood just inches from the house. The rain offered no solace to muddle out the silence of this impending moment. Despite the heavy rain, the heaviness and silence still hung in the air, as if her ears refused to listen to anything other than his voice.

“Rocky…”

“No, please, stop calling me that.”

Valarie nearly laughed. “What? I can’t call you by your nickname anymore?”

“Valarie–”

“And I’m guessing that I can’t call you sweetheart or darling anymore? Are these papers and your abandoning me supposed to mean something to me!”

“I told you that I’m sorry! I truly am sorry!”

“Sorry for what, Eric?”

He stayed quiet. Eric’s long hair plastered to his cheeks. His blue eyes, once bright and vibrant, were now dull and devoid of any love he might have had. Those were laid downcast, staring at the dying grass beneath him. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

“For. What?”

“For leaving you.” He turned to her now. Redness clouded the whites of his eyes. “I have to do this for me.”

Valarie bit her bottom lip. A chuckle rumbled in her chest and ceased as soon as it arrived. “You always sucked at communication. Without a lick of explanation, you drop off those damn papers, say you’re leaving, and then you’re going to drive off with my car.”

“We agreed to pay half and half on it.”

“It’s under my name!”

Eric balled his fists. “Do you want the damn car back?”

“No! I want my husband to talk to me!”

To stand before her as if they were strangers…

Valarie crossed her arms. She allowed her tears to fall. The weight of them was far heavier than the downpour surrounding her.

“Just…come inside.”

Eric’s mouth hung ajar. He shook his head. “I can’t do that.”

Throughout the past year, those responses were all that Valarie would hear. “I can’t do ___.” “I’m tired.” “Not right now.” “Can we postpone?” “Leave me alone.”

Valarie figured Eric was depressed. He worked long hours, barely slept for more than 4 hours, and his eating consisted of snacks until dinner. Then, he would spend the majority of the evening on his computer or lost on his phone in the den.

Therapy should have helped. It didn’t.

Ultimatums with friends should have helped. It didn’t.

Confiding in strangers for answers should have helped. It didn’t.

Finding new partners should have helped. It apparently worked a little too well.

“This is about Rian, isn’t it?”

Eric shut his mouth and looked away. He gripped the car keys in his hand. His shoulders slouched. Even after ten seconds, Eric couldn’t compose himself.

Valarie knew about them being together. Their chemistry was off the charts. She supported their union, and she even paid for their outings when Eric lost his job. Ultimately, no issues came to the surface until he suddenly didn’t have the energy to spend time with his own wife.

What was she to say? “Don’t go to her.” “Don’t leave me.” “You said you wouldn’t get attached.” “I trusted you.”

Valarie gained the gumption to ask, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You…would have pushed me away.”

“And so you’re deciding to do it first?”

Eric always acted before he thought. Most of his downfalls in life occurred because he let his actions do the talking, mainly his fists. When she married him, Valarie didn’t mind that part of him. After six years of stress headaches, 3 arrests, 5 cases of DUI, and a restraining order commissioned by his own best friend, Valarie mentally hit her limit.

That didn’t mean that she wanted to end the marriage. Despite his actions, leaving him was never an option for her. She didn’t want it to be.

Like with working in teams, not everyone involved felt the same way. Eric held on tight to his keys. At least he was looking at her now. “I want to work things out with you, Valarie, but I need to do it in a different way.”

Valarie blankly stared at him.

“We can’t continue this way,” he continued. “A marriage between us has not worked for a while. You don’t tend to my needs. You don’t value my desires. I need more than this.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this earlier? I’ve spent 6 years with you and not once did you think to talk to me?”

“You know I’m not good with talking about myself.”

“You seem to do it just fine with Rian.”

Eric’s shoulder bounced as he laughed. It was a terrible sound. He shook his head and gave her his side profile. “I need to go.”

“What makes you think life will be better with her?” Eric paused as Valarie continued. “If you can’t talk to me about your feelings and if you can’t confide in me about your needs and your upsets, what makes you think you’ll do that with someone else?”

Eric gave her his back…that red plaid shirted back that clung to his body. Jet black hair covered most of the shirt…hair that she once grabbed, washed, and brushed. “Because I just know that I’ll feel better with her like you’ll feel better when you find your someone.”

“I thought I did, Eric, and he’s leaving me for another woman.”

Eric froze. Valarie knew he was thinking. Whenever he was shocked, bombarded, or insanely overwhelmed emotionally, he’d freeze and then lash out. Throughout the years, Valarie recommended numerous ways to better vent his anger. The only option Eric chose was drinking. The alcohol soothed him, but nothing like a woman could, apparently. Yes, he’d been sober for two years now, but his clothes indicated that his best friend Jack made occasional visits.

Right on cue, Eric whipped around and revealed his reddened face. “What do you want from me, Valarie! I did everything I could for you and nothing was enough! You want me to change all of the time. I, apparently, never meet your needs and you’re always telling me what I do wrong or what you’re unhappy with. You never smile at me anymore and you always give me this disappointed look. It’s marked onto your face. Why would I want to be around that all the time?”

Unmoved, Valarie responded, “That bothers you?”

“Yes! Why wouldn’t you know that? Since you’re so smart, why didn’t you say anything about it or change yourself? Why do I have to be the one to address everything?”

“Who’s the one that’s upset here?”

“You are! Because you’re mad about me taking care of me!”

“Why would I be mad at you leaving?”

“Because I’m leaving you alone!” Realization dawned upon him. His face softened. Eric’s body calmed as the words sank in. Valarie ceased her tears a while ago. Emotions seeped from her face. She stared at Eric without a light in her eyes. “Valarie…”

“You can leave me, I don’t care. I just want to know one thing: Will this new person, woman or otherwise, help you actually improve your life?”

Valarie's mother always taught her to let people go. Holding onto a relationship that didn’t work only wasted time and energy. Being left by her husband hurt her terribly, but it wasn’t the end of the world. She’d grieve for a long time and then recover to live her life as she saw fit. The only thing that wracked her brain was the “why”. Supposedly, it didn’t matter. For her emotions, however, Valarie needed more than what Eric was giving.

“Will this new person help you actually improve your life?” She repeated.

“I think so,” he responded. “No, I know so. Rian has been an amazing support to me. She can bring me out of my darkness.”

This again…

“All right, Eric.”

“You don’t believe me?”

“It doesn’t really matter, does it? You already signed the paperwork.” He stayed silent. Valarie pointed to the papers on her coffee table. “What? Am I supposed to take these to the judge myself? You’re the one that brought them.”

“I’ll pick them up tomorrow morning.”

“I have work tomorrow, Eric.”

“Then I’ll pick them up in the evening.”

Valarie nearly laughed again. “Wow, you’ve lost all respect and consideration for me already.”

Once upon a time, he made dinners for her when she was tired. He’d cleaned the house, washed the dishes, washed her body, and even massaged her feet. Once, he did a puppet show at home to help her smile after her mother died. Eric used to be considerate, compassionate, and deeply, emotionally attuned.

Valarie knew very well that life could change a person. The events of the outside world had nothing to do with her. The most that Valarie could do was work on herself and accept the world and its phases as is.

Accepting this was completely different. Valarie’s mother, who had been married for 54 years, couldn’t possibly train Valarie for such an event as this. Despite several of her friends getting divorced 3 years into their marriages - or less -, Valarie thought she could overcome that struggle. She wasn’t prone to anything life dished out. Here it was, standing before her, in a red plaid shirt, blue jeans, and black boots that she bought him for Christmas.

“I have to go.”

“Yes you do,” Valarie replied.

“I’m sorry about all of this. I-I need to care for myself.”

“Better late than never, I suppose.”

Eric looked down again, resembling the lost puppy that they found on the streets five years ago. Just like that puppy, Eric was soaked to the bone with an expression of lost hope and defeat. Like the one that was leaving, seeing him with defeat marking his face seemed like an oxymoron. Valarie figured that leaving someone would be easy, especially since Eric deemed himself as someone in such a “terrible state.” His reaction seemed to be the exact opposite.

As he turned away and headed to the car, Valarie watched him depart from the house. His muddied footprints were deep. His steps were stern. His back was solid and firm. He entered the car without looking back. The engine rumbled loudly, echoing throughout the entire neighborhood.

Eric reversed his Camaro. He had tinted windows, but Valarie saw his face clear as day. He was crying. He reversed out of the driveway and then sped down the street with black smoke marking the path behind him.

Valarie wrapped her arms around herself and finally allowed herself to hear the world around her. The rain bombarded her ears. TV ads screamed at her to buy something for spouses. The neighborhood dog was barking in response to Eric’s car - as usual. The chill of the world matched the chill in her head.

Utterly defeated herself, Valarie closed the door.