to Whom it May Concern: PART TWO

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: PART TWO

I do not wait for ideal circumstances or favorable conditions.

I find myself, here, in this present, whatever may happen or not happen.

-David Dillard-Wright, PhD

Please, wake me up.

Please….

Wake, me, up!!!

She remembers her mother’s voice speaking so quietly…

No honey…

You’re not dreaming.

05-12-88

This is my dream.I’ll decide where it goes from here.

-Alice

Epiphany.

She can’t think of the meaning, but she does know that it sounds like an Amy, word.

Kind of.

Epiphamy. She knows what it means, but she can’t put it into words well enough for her to be able to explain it. And then be able to understand it, herself. She does know what a part of it is though. It is the part which is a feeling. An unmistakable, feeling. That, she knows for sure. She has them, all of the time. She has had them. Ever since she can remember. Although she has never known how to understand these feelings. Or how to get a handle on them. They are little flashes. And these little flashes, are there. They are always, there. And they are never going to go away. Ever. It’s a terrifying feeling. A Déjà vu, kind of feeling.

An unavoidable occurrence that is happening right now, at this or that very moment.

And then comes along the eerie feeling that you have dreamt of this exact moment, sometime before now.

All in the matter of a split second.

Everybody’s had them.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

But she has.

She was screaming, from the bottom of her lungs. But nobody could hear her. Is she awake? Or is she, asleep? She didn't know. She still doesn't know. Wonderful. They terrify her every time, she has one. These are little episodes of an instant acknowledgment of a memory of something. That may or may not, have happened in the past. Mixed with what could or could not happen, in the future. At that exact, moment. Whatever way it’s confusing. Quite scary, too.

It creeps her out every time it happens.

Is this, good?

Is this bad?

Should I be happy? Should I be…sad?

Is this positive?

Is this…negative?

What are you supposed to feel, Amy?

How do you want to feel Amy?

Tell me now Amy. What’s the right way, and what’s the wrong way?

Amy??

Amy???

AMY!!!

Pick-a-side-Amy. HURRY!!!

ANYONEWHOISNTCONFUSEDDOESNTUNDERSTANDTHESITUATIONEDWARDRMURROW

It is as typical as it is, unexplainable. She wonders if this is her sign. A spiritual awakening, so to speak. But boy she’ll tell you what...It freaks her out, yes it does. She gets head to toe nervous and then she's frozen…

In that moment.

She thinks these little episodes are coming way, too often. She also knows that she is not too particularly, fond of them. They scare her. And Amy is scared today. Again. Amy is scared every day. Every time she wakes up, she is scared. And that is scary to her. Amy’s memory and information overload is turning into a, huge sense of fear. Sometimes it’s a good fear. But it is still, a fear. She can't explain it to anybody. This has turned into an emotional fallout for her. The boys love that game. But this is not a game.

This is not a game, no.

Maybe.

Because during the holidays Amy had some sort of a breakdown. One like she’s never had before. It was dark, and it was dreary. Amy has lived in Michigan almost 23 years and this is the first time she has ever felt like this. Is this a seasonal thing? Or is she having a, medical issue? She was sick. Real, sick. The holidays are over so she shouldn’t be sick anymore. But she was. She thought that the movie theater trip, would be her last.

To see, the last.

That is because it happened almost a year ago when Amy received a letter from the Social Security office. It was short, and to the point. After thirty-some-odd years, they have decided to change most of what has Amy has known. She is being told what she is, how she is, and who she is.

Once again.

Playing phone-tag can be very frustrating. And irritating, at the same time. But there is also a flip, side to this situation. When you have called my number, and I see it on my recent calls list you are probably thinking that this Amy girl is quite crazy. And quite probably a waste of your time. But...

Just wait...

This perhaps may be something that you find comical, beautiful, and ugly, fucking ugly, at the same time. It is growing, and it keeps on, growing. She missed your call again today. Your missed calls have stayed in her phone for years. She has been thinking of all the things that she would like to explain to you. Just think about it. With a little imagination this one thing...WOW. But Amy was sick. And tired.

And bored, lonely, angry, sad, mad, and completely lost.

Lost…

She didn’t know how to feel, or if she even wanted to feel. She was stale. No emotion, nothing.

Zero.

Zilch.

Her words are her tears. Her words are her touch. Her words are her...tone. Some of her words are just, words. Amy likes that you have called her voicemail. She doesn't talk to people much since the world of texting. If she doesn't know the number on her phone, she more than likely will never answer. You sparked her interest by learning that there is somebody out there who may be interested in what she has to share. This is the only way she can do this. She wants to show her boys that something can always be done. How to do that, she’s not quite sure. This may be her way of networking. Throwing herself out there. Testing out the waters with tip, of her longest toe. Seeing the where, when and the how. Mixed with the what. And the why of it all.

What she has done.

What she has never done.

Honesty is ALWAYS the best way to go. You don’t know her though.

Youuu don’t know...

What this may or may not do for her. Or you. Or anybody. Because she’s found reasons.

Not, excuses.

And Amy found something new, today. Again. That she is on the outside. Looking in, to the inside. And that she is a totally different person than she has ever been. Probably because after forty-something years, she has learned that she is a pretty neat person.

She does like to try and keep a healthy balance though.

But.

She sometimes loathes herself.

What a waste. On a good note, she loves to laugh. And she says dumb things, in a real kind of way. Her real. She is very quiet. She keeps most everything to herself. What somebody doesn’t know, won’t hurt them.

Or her.

Amy likes to think that she is pretty good at reading body expressions. She always watches the eyes and listens to the voice. That way, she can hear the tone. It's like deciding on her choice of music she wants to listen to at that moment. In this, moment. In my heart of hearts, this moment lies the secret treasure. I will express the best that I have within me with everything that I do.

And say.

Hello.

My name is Amy.

Okay…

This is the first, but this is the last. Let’s say this is the ending. To the middle of the old beginning. Lol. As not to get lost. Whatever it may be this is where she is today. But boy I tell you what…she was sick. Clang, clang, clang. Ching-ching-bang-bang. It’s an unmistakable feeling. Her terrified screaming that no one could hear. Eyes that are open and filled with fear. Is this pain good?

Or is this pain, bad? Shouldn’t I be happy? Clang, clang, clang. Should I be sad?

Ching- ching.

Bang-bang. Say it. The words, tears, touch, and tone. The reason why I feel so alone. A life without being heard. The answer is unreal. You want to see, and I want to feel. Without feeling wrong.

An unmistakable feeling…

Clang, clang, clang Ching- ching. Bang-bang.

Say it!

Is this a part of the plan?

It’s a game. It’s a puzzle.

It’s a plan...

It is all that she knows. It is what she remembers.

An unmistakable feeling…

She has a messed-up head and walks with a crook. It is all that she knows. Ching-ching. Bang-bang. Say it! Understand yourself.

I cannot help this issue. This issue is me.

Bam, bam, bam.

One, two and three. Three is half of infinity.

A million different…

A million different ways, a million different ways to be me.

Ching-ching. Bang-bang.

Say it! Say it!

A million different…

A million different ways. Clang, clang, clang. Ching-ching. Bang-bang. Say it! A million different ways to be me.

Boxes of memories. A chaotic mind riding on the edge.

It just doesn’t matter anymore.

Hello?

Say it! Say it!

It is the pure consciousness of society. An epiphany of sorts. The new normal. Say it!! You’re slipping. Say it! You’re slipping. Only because I love you. Re-writing a history full of prophecies. Suffocating in her little brown jar. She remembers parts, so clearly. Staring out over the ocean. Clang, clang, clang. Ching- ching. Bang-bang. Her muffled screams before she lost her mind. Focus. Focus. Focus. Bam, bam, bam. Bang, bang, bang. One, two and three. Three, is half of infinity. Ching- ching. Bang-bang. Say it! Say it!

A new room, with no name. Get away. Get away. Tragically numb. Open doors with locks and keys. A yellow house once filled with dreams. A life of the sun, the moon, and the stars. Clang, clang, clang. Ching-ching. Bang-bang. A million different…

A million different ways to be me. Falling into a world of defeat.

There is always a different way.

So close…

So close, she could hear them breathe.

Catastrophe, catastrophe. Our democracy in shambles. I need to go home. I want to go home. I am not deaf. I am not blind.

I am.

Her withdrawal runs deep and long. The lights are flashing, and her distraction is absolute. Lost in a box of time. Yearning for the truth. Lie, lie, lie. I feel pain. I feel fear. How do I be?

I want to hide. I feel pounding. I feel hurt. I feel worry. I don’t want to remember.

I thought that I was dreaming.

Expecting a different conclusion.

How do I forget my confusion?

Being reminded.

I’m not deaf. I’m not blind.

I am.

A million different ways.

A million different ways to be me.

Smile…

Hello?

FYI…

Her garden. It’s full of red. Red, bushes. Red Dahlia’s. Red thorns. A red wagon. And an amazing, red-bud bush. Red-red-red. With green. And the yellow four headed queen. It’s the patterns. The bold colors of fall. And because of that, I am tired of the same old feeling, so I let it go. For now.

Her terrified screaming that no one could hear. Her eyes that are open and filled with fear. Knowledge is barren as the deserts are dry. She’s alone with her fear and she doesn’t know why. Is the pain good? Or is this pain bad? Shouldn’t I be happy? Clang, clang, clang. Ching- ching. Bang-bang.

Say it!

The words, tears, touch, and tone. It’s been so long. How did we get here? Somebody, hear me. Why am I so alone? Listen to me and tell me…what do you hear? The lies or the truth? Say it! Are we honest or untrue? Say it! There is nothing you can do. The answer is unreal. Something is there. You want to see, and I want to feel. Without feeling wrong. An unmistakable feeling…

Clang, clang, clang.

Was this a part of the plan?

It’s a game.

It’s a puzzle. Say it!

It is all that she knows. It is what she remembers.

An unmistakable feeling…

Clang, clang, clang.

Hello.

Left side right side, which way does she go?

She is caught in a maze. Please help her. It’s all random thoughts. Clang, clang, clang. Ching- ching. Bang-bang. A million different ways.

Tomorrow is another day. A million different ways to be me.

Conditions are habits, as habits are conditions.

Lol.

I have them all. Puff-puff…no. I don’t want it. Throw it out, and away. Through, the open window.

What do I see?

I gave up on them, as they gave up on me.

Wonder....

Wonder…

A million different ways to be me.

Lol.

A double-edged sword.

Example-

Money, money, money. Here she comes now say money, money. She’s falling into a world of defeat. There is always a different way. A refusal at first, walking into the maze. So close, she could hear them breathe. I am not deaf. I am not blind. I am.

There is no voice. I can’t escape myself. The lightning is crashing. And her confusion is real. She is lost in a box of time yearning for the truth. Be honest.

Lie, lie, lie.

I feel pain. I feel fear. How do I be? I want to hide. I feel pounding hurting me. I feel worry.

Wonder… Wonder, wonder.

A million different ways.

A million different ways to be me.

I remember some. I remember dreaming.

Lol.

Dreaming that I was dreaming. And I couldn’t wake up. Did I expect a different conclusion? How do I forget my confusion? Hey-hey. Being reminded, not reminiscing. A one-way ticket. I need to go home. I want to go home.

I am not deaf. I am not blind. I am.

Pick a side.

What do I do…

Where do I go??

I am always going to wonder. You did something. There is something there. It’s here. It will not go away. Most of the time I don’t want this. It’s not time yet.

I am changing my behavior towards it.

It’s there.

So many different ways to lie.

I have nowhere to go but here. I need back-up. I need a plan. I’m stuck.

I need to go.

I want to fly. I want to soar. I don’t want to be alone at night.

Any, more.

I see bigger and newer things, all around. I see what is happening, all around also. Did they get lost?

There was no end. It is not over.

It is just…

Beginning.

To this exact moment. An issue that is yet to be dealt with. I wish that life would leave me a pause. Let this all pass me by for a moment. You deserve to be alone. I was. This will surround me. It always has. I don’t know much difference between loss and life. Today anyway.

I DON’T WANT TO GO!

To change my life, I have to change myself. How to be. How to be. How do I want you to see me? I really don’t care at this moment.

How do I want to be?

Unforgiving...

But proud.

Relentless. And loud. But then there is me. Letting things go, and letting things be. Go...

Trust, thyself.

Move forward.

LOL.

Be sure…

Of something.

Ex.

Medication.

I need medication.

Yep.

This is not all me.

I AM GOING TO FIX ME.

Hello Saturday.

The mystery of this moment…

I begin anew this moment. I awaken to the possibility that this moment holds. I live into this unknown present. I do not reduce the present to my preconceived notions.

-unknown