Should I cool it or should I blow?

“How?” Chris asked himself out loud in the desperation of what was probably the most crucial moment of his short life.

“Why!?” he screamed in anger and frustration and shock and bewilderment and disgust.

Carefully, hanging on to dear life, Chris removed what little grass and dirt were separating his foot from eternal oblivion. It took him a few seconds, but once he was finished, he confirmed his worst fears: it was a mine. He´d stepped on a landmine. Chris figured that as soon as he took his foot off the mine that it would explode and surely kill him right then and there.

But what if it doesn’t kill you? He asked himself. What if it only maims you and leaves you suffering for hours, maybe even days, on end. I don’t want to die in such conditions.

Do you wanna die at all? I thought that we´d live forever.

Don’t be silly. We were never going to actually achieve that.

Well, now we certainly won´t.

“You´ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Chris screamed once again. All he had wanted earlier that morning was to go out for a walk in the middle of nowhere to think. Think about his future, his past, his choices and his possibilities. To think about anything but the present moment; which as of late had been nothing but torturous. He´d even left his phone behind (something quite out of character for Chris) hoping to avoid any sort of distraction. And now, ironically, all he could focus on was that moment, facing him with a deadly stare.

Should you just give up right now and die? Would that count as suicide?

How do you know someone won´t come and rescue you somehow?

And how the fuck would they rescue me? What possible thing could they do to rescue you?

Hand you a rock, for one.

“A ROCK!” Chris tried looking around him for any sign of a rock heavy enough to fulfill that one tiny yet gigantic purpose. Never had Chris noticed how hard it was to move around when one of your feet was glued to a specific spot on the floor. After a minute of carefully looking around in-between the weeds in his proximity, Chris could only spot what appeared to be a large enough rock to save him, but it was too far away for him to reach it.

What now?

We´re back to square one.

Should I just face it? Should I just lift my foot?

Don’t you wanna pray to someone first?

Pray to whom? What for?

In case there is a hell. You never know. This one dumb mistake might end up costing you an eternity of torture.

Would it be suicide? Wouldn’t it be similar to the sick man who does nothing to prevent his inevitable demise?

Yeah but the sick man has no choice. You do.

What the fuck could I do?

You could wait. You´ve got no hurry to go, after all.

But what if I starve? Or get so tired I pass out.

Then, at least you wouldn’t be committing suicide.

Yeah, but if there is no hell and no heaven then I´d be putting myself through some truly torturous time for nothing. Why not just end it?

You sure you wanna bet on that possibility?

Chris looked around. He was way too far away from any kind of civilization. Even so, he screamed for help. For a full minute he screamed over and over again. Realizing the futility of his efforts, he felt the impulse to get on his knees and cry in a way he hadn’t in years. He resisted it, however, fearing such an impulse would quickly end his present crisis.

At least all the practice you had holding back your tears these past few days were of some use.

Isn’t this, in a way, just what you needed?

How can this be something I need?

Whatever choice you make today will give you the answer you have so viciously been searching for these past weeks.

“Should I stay or should I go?” Chris said aloud, almost laughing at the absurdity of it all. That song had been stuck in his head all morning.

That’s what you get for being a phony. For lying to yourself and others. And for abandoning your principles. And for abandoning her. The best thing that has happened to you, a person in desperate need of your companionship and support. And you're leaving her behind. And for what?

A successful life? The chance to do some real good? The chance to use the establishment´s own power against itself?

And look where that got you.

That has nothing to do with this!

But it does! If only you had rejected the university´s offer outright. Then you wouldn’t have needed to go for the walk that got you into this mess.

I couldn’t have rejected it outright. My parents would have been crushed. And who knows how much good I could´ve done with the power of the law backing me up.

You really think the powers that be would´ve allowed you to do any real good? Don’t kid yourself, you would´ve become just another gear in the rigid and unmovable capitalistic/nihilistic system that dominates the lives of everyone you know. You should have just run away with Paola. Avoid the system altogether. Not give any of your time or energy to those greedy, nihilistic bastards.

Wouldn’t that be selfish? Running away from the world´s problems? Letting people to die while I am somewhere else enjoying myself? Don’t I have a responsibility with them?

What has the world ever done for you? Why should you try and save it? Especially when you know it won´t matter. It´ll all end, eventually. And you would have ended up wasting time fighting the inevitable instead of making the most out of what little time you have here.

Well, now it won´t matter. I´ll die here all alone and my body will be shredded to tiny pieces and no one will ever know what happened to me.

Do you think Paola will believe you ran off without her? That you cared for neither her nor for your college career? How do you think she´ll feel when she realizes what a coward you are?

But I´m not a coward!

She won´t know that. She will never know that. Who in their right mind will come to the conclusion that you died in the way in which you are about to die?

It´s not over yet.

It might as well be. No one will come. You know that. The only choice remaining is whether or not to starve yourself a little bit before going out with a boom. At least you get to go out with a boom.

Yeah, all alone and terrified.

And why should you live while others suffer? What if by taking yourself out of the equation you´re helping to save humanity? God knows you don’t do much in the service of the green movement. After all, you love meat and drive around almost everywhere you go. If you´re not part of the solution then…

But I was gonna start doing my part soon!

Yeah, but not soon enough. There is no time like the present, right? Just think about it. How many people do you think will suffer or die because of the Co2 you´ve helped release into the atmosphere on these past weeks? A handful? A dozen? Hundreds? Maybe thousands or even millions? Why shouldn’t you die if that’s the case? You´re directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of who knows how many innocent people? Why should you go on living then?

In that case, shouldn’t I starve before dying? Just to feel what others have felt because of my inaction? Maybe if there is a heaven and hell that´ll help my case, right?

Do you really think a few hours of hunger will make up for all the people you´ve killed?

But I haven’t killed anyone!

You can´t possibly be sure. Your very lifestyle has, at the very least, killed and/or displaced countless animals. Why should you continue on living and abusing nature when you could help countless beings just by lifting up your foot?

But I wanna live, don’t I have a right to live and to enjoy life?

Maybe, but so do most people, and all the animals. And your presence prevents that. Doesn’t the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few? Or the one?

But I can change.

Would you be willing to give up your life in the service of others in that way?

Yes.

You say so, but you´ve never acted on that conviction. How many hours have you spent lying down on your couch just looking at dumb YouTube videos? You do know even doing such a simple thing is quite detrimental to the environment around you right?

But if I go to college, I could help create laws that would eliminate that harm.

But you don’t want to go.

…

You know you don’t.

Even if I didn’t go, my other choice could still help. I could run away with Paola and live a healthy, environmentally conscious lifestyle. Promote good practices. Save what lives I may encounter.

And how big of an impact do you think you´ll have? You realize it´s more likely it´d be so insignificant it wouldn’t really matter?

Shouldn’t I try?

Under different circumstances, yes. But…you know

Chris had been staring at his foot all the while he was having these endless seas of arguments with himself.

Who cares? He asked himself in misery. Who cares what happens to me? Or to my family? Or to Paola? Or to the whole goddamn shitty fucking world? We´re just a tiny speck of dust. My life will ultimately mean nothing, same as my death. Same as everyone else´s lives and deaths. This whole goddamn planet could explode and be reduced to ashes and the universe wouldn’t be worse because of it. It would be the same it´s been since the beginning of time all those billions and billions of years ago.

Maybe I´m not even real. Maybe I am just a computer program, designed to test what choice one should make in this scenario. Maybe someone out there is looking down on me, hoping I´ll choose to wait. Hoping that I myself will hold on to hope. Maybe that being will reward me if I wait.

Or maybe that being is a sadistic, little prick playing a dumb game in his mother´s basement, waiting for me to lift my foot so that he can laugh as my body is torn apart and my blood showers the weeds around me. This seems like the most likely option. There are more bad people in the world than good after all. Why should the real world out there somewhere be any different?

Anyway, I´m not getting out of this. I am nothing but a privileged parasite. A spoiled brat. If I wasn’t such a crybaby I wouldn’t be here. I am blessed with choice. Other people don’t get a choice. Such a simple thing. And yet, here I am, complaining about how I don’t want to get an education and how I don’t want to work my ass off to accomplish something bigger than me. Here I am trashing other people without ever having seen the world outside my window. Here I am assuming there are more bad people than good in the world. Maybe I am one of those bad people.

In his anger, Chris felt the all-consuming impulse to remove his foot. Not wanting this feeling to fade and wishing to end the torture that were his thoughts, Chris closed his eyes, begged to whoever was listening for forgiveness and mercy…and jumped.

When he landed back on his feet, Chris didn’t know if he should feel ecstatic or miserable.

He spent the next couple of hours looking at the mine, wondering why. Paralyzed, he was too afraid to go back to his life and face the consequences, not of his actions, but of his thoughts.