The Weather Gods

THE WEATHER GODS

“I’d like to thank you all for coming in today.  My name is Indra, please call me Ravi. I will be the arbitrator for today’s session.”  Ravi smiled, looking at the gods seated in a circle around the table.  “If you could go around the circle and introduce yourselves.”  He looked to his right.

“I am Zeus, Greek god of gods—” the god beside him snorted.  “—god of lightning bolts, god of thunder.”

The second god smirked at Zeus, and spoke, “I am the Roman god Jupiter, and I am the god of gods, god of clouds, god of rain, god of thunder, and god of lightning.”

The third god laughed.  “I am the Egyptian god Horus, from a civilization that has existed for millennia before there were Greeks or Romans wandering the earth.”

Zeus and Jupiter rolled their eyes.  “Older does not mean better,” said Zeus.

Ravi cut in.  “Gentlemen, if you will.  Please stick to your bona fides.”

“My apologies,” said Horus, inclining his head towards Ravi.  “I am the god of all weather, god of the sky, god of beneficial rain storms, and god of the sun.”

The final god at the table spoke up.  “I am Thor, son of Odin, Norse god of thunder, god of lightning, god of good harvest.  I also speak for Freyr, goddess of sunshine, goddess of rain.”

“Welcome everyone,” said Ravi, looking around the table.  “Now, we are here today to determine which god shall, from this day forward, be known at the ultimate god of weather.  The Council Of Gods has determined that we shall conduct our arbitration with you four gods of weather and myself.  Any questions?”

Jupiter pointed at Ravi.  “Why does the Council of Gods consider you the most appropriate member to conduct this arbitration?”

Ravi seemed surprised.  “Well, my name means Sun, which is part of weather.  And all the other members were busy.”  He smiled, looking around the table.  “We’re all good with me as the arbitrator?” he asked the table.

Murmurs of consent went around the circle.  

“Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s begin.”  He paused looking at the pile of papers in front of him, then looked up.  “The main purpose of this meeting is to determine the ultimate god of weather.  Each of you will present your case as to why you should be the god to assume this prestigious mantle of power and, ultimately, control the weather.  After you each present your case, you will then vote on whom we feel will best serve the people of earth.  Each god gets one vote.  In the case of a tie, my vote will be the deciding vote.  Questions?”

Head shakes all around.

Ravi smiled.  “Okay, let’s open up the portal to Earth.”  The table top morphed, first undulating, then swirling, which turned into roiling dark clouds.  The clouds lightened to a wispy white, finally clearing to reveal a view of the Earth from above.

“We’ll go alphabetically.   Horus, you’re up first.“  

Zeus smiled.  It was common knowledge that the last to speak would have the ear of the group.  He glanced at Horus, almost—but not quite—feeling sympathy.

Horus saw the false smile on Zeus’s face, but he was not deterred.  He knew his pedigree, and he knew he would be presenting from a place of strength.

“Egyptians have inhabited earth for over seven millennia.  And I have controlled the weather, allowing my people to prosper.”

The view swirled, settling on rural Egypt.  The gods could see the people working in the fields, sowing and reaping along the shores of the River Nile.

 “My careful curating of the weather had allowed Egypt to prosper and grow.  In ancient times my lands were known far and wide as the Fertile Crescent.  To this, day Egyptians still produce the finest cotton used around the world for the most outstanding linens and clothing.  My control of the weather ensures that Egypt has steady sunshine, warm temperatures, and the proper amount of rain needed so that the humans have enough water to live and to feed their crops and animals.”

“Enough water?” asked Jupiter shaking his head.  “Your people live in a desert.  Water is a scarce commodity!  If you were the ultimate god of weather, I’d be worried that you would turn the entire planet into a desert!”

“Egyptian society thrives in a dry world!” retorted Horus.  A world of sunshine!  I am the sun god, and I provide the light and heat that my people need!”  

Horus was getting agitated.  As he spoke, the view from Earth brightened considerably, filling the chamber with light.  People in the land below covered their eyes, wiping the sweat from their brows due to the sudden increase in temperature.  

“I give my people the weather they need to survive!" he thundered.  The brightness dimmed, the sky turned cloudy, and rain lashed the parched land.  People scampered for cover. 

“Horus!” said Ravi.  “The weather!  Your people!”

Horus looked at the scene, and gasped, reining-in his control.  The skies cleared, and the people slowly ventured back out into the streets, looking up at the sky, confused.  

Thor laughed.  “Good thing no one mentioned the dust storms!”

Horus scowled.  The wind picked up on Earth.  Palm trees started to sway.

“Horus!” repeated Ravi, more forcefully this time.

Horus ripped his gaze away from Thor, focussing instead on the scene through the portal, and the confusion he saw in the eyes of his people.  The winds died.

“Okay,” said Ravi, “Jupiter, your turn.  Tell us why you believe you should be the ultimate god of weather.”  The portal swirled, revealing the streets of Rome.  

Jupiter looked from Ravi to each of the gods.  “Because I am Jupiter.  I am the god of the gods, I control the clouds, the rain, thunder and lightning.  I controlled the weather of the entire Roman Empire.  As the empire expanded, I ensured that the weather met the needs of my people.  My weather allows for the best wine and olives in the world.  People flock to my lands to experience the weather, and the food and drink made possible by that weather.”

“Do you love your people?” asked Zeus.

“A  stupid question!  Of course I do!” retorted Jupiter.

“Then why do you insist on flooding them out of their homes and ruining their crops?”   Zeus crossed his arms.  “You are not a benevolent god, you are a tyrant!  Only a tyrant would drown his own people!”

In the portal the clouds darkened.  Bolts of lightning struck at the Earth, rain pelted, thunder cracked.  The people of Rome, much like those in Egypt, fled indoors.  The rain increased in intensity, reducing visibility, overwhelming the sewer system.  Water began to rise.  

Jupiter pointed to the portal.  “My Cloaca Maxima sewer was built to protect ancient Romans!  It is not my fault that these modern leaders have not kept up with the needs of the city, or the country.  People need the rains to grow the crops!  Unlike the waters in Egypt, which just evaporate!”

In the portal, the torrential rain continued.  The people waded through ankle-deep water, hurrying to higher ground.  

Horas eyed Jupiter.  “You make excuses! At least I don’t drown my people.”

“No!” cried Jupiter.  “You drown them in dust and sand!”

A fierce wind started blowing, so strong that pulled at the clothes of those trying to escape the rising waters.  The rain continued to pummel the people unfortunate enough to be outdoors.

“Gentlemen!  Stop!” yelled Ravi, slamming his hands on the tabletop to get their attention.  Both gods looked towards him.  “Look what you are doing to the people of Rome!”

The winds died down, the rain ceased, the water started to recede. The sun broke through the clouds.  People were returning to the streets, many looking to the sky and geunuflecting, confused.  

Ravi took a deep breath, eyeing all of the gods.  “Your bad behaviour puts your people at risk.  Please show some restraint.”  He turned to Thor.  “Why should you be the ultimate god of weather?”

The portal surged and billowed, changing to a landscape of lakes and trees. Few people were evident.  

Thor put his hand in the air, and Mjollnir, his mighty hammer, appeared out of nowhere, and flew into his hand.

“As the son of Odin, I command the respect and fealty of the Norse people and their descendants.  We are a fierce people who laugh in the face of adversity!”

Horus snorted.  “Yeah, but for all of your ‘fierceness’—” he made air quotes around the word fierceness. “—there are very few people who depend on your weather.”  He looked around the table.  “They are a race of people who grow very little of their own food.  And, they eat fermented shark.”  He crinkled up his nose, and looked at the other gods around the table.  “They catch a shark, put the carcass in the hole, pee on in, and bury it until it’s ready to eat.”  He shook his head.  “I do not want someone who considers fermented shark haute cuisine in charge of the weather.”  He crossed his arms across his chest.  

“You are not even a god of gods!” said Zeus said to Thor.

Through the portal, they saw the the snow begin to fly.  The few people in the scene started to run—they were not dressed for the weather, and they knew that the cold would kill them.  Thunder rumbled, and lightning flashed.

Thor leapt from his seat, holding Mjollnir aloft, looking from Zeus to Horus.  “How dare you insult me and the Norse people!  We are brave and fierce.  I will smite you with my hammer!” He pointed Mjollnir at the two other gods.

The weather on Earth deteriorated.  A blizzard raged, lightning bolts rained down, thunder boomed down across the land.

“Thor!”  yelled Ravi.  Thor ignored him.  “THOR!  You are destroying your world.  You need to stop this weather right now!”

Thor threw out his empty hand as if to fling something away.  The mayhem on earth quickly subsided.  The new snow melted just as fast as it had accumulated.  The last of the thunder rolled across the hills.  Daylight returned to the now-calm landscape.  Thor sat down, quiet, but not ameliorated, anger flashing in his eyes.

Ravi took a deep breath.  Only one more god to go.  He looked to Zeus.

“I too am a god of gods and the god of lightning and thunder.  And with lightning and thunder comes rain—rains which grow the crops that feed the people.”  He looked at the portal which had changed to look down on a Greek olive grove.  “My people are able to grow all the food that they need—olives, grapes, citrus, vegetables, and grains.  We don’t have to import any food, unlike Thor’s people.”  

Thor growled, and raised his hammer, but remained seated.

“I do not subject my people to unbearable heat and watch them wither from lack of water.”  He looked at Horus who narrowed his eyes in anger.  “Nor do I live in the past, and blame my humans for my own shortcomings,” he said looking at Jupiter.   “Nor do I freeze my people.”  He looked at Thor.  “No, I provide my people with the fine weather that allows them to live rich, fruitful lives.”

Thor barked out laughter.  “Live rich, fruitful lives?  Ha!  You have withheld the water from your people just as much as Horus!  Drought is ravaging your country!”  The scene in the portal changed.  The trees in the olive grove withered, leaves fell from the branches, unripened olives dropped to the ground. 

“You are delusional!” continued Thor.  “Your thunder is mild and your lightening bolts are weak!”  Thor, laughed again.  The sky in the portal darkened, thunder rolled, and lightning streaked across the sky.  “You have killed your people with wildfires and floods.  I would rather have ten feet of snow compared to the devastation you cause to your people!” continued Thor.

A flash of lightning struck one of the desiccated trees.  It burst into flames, which leapt quickly from tree to tree.  Workers fled the grove.

Thor looked at Zeus.  “You should probably make it rain before that gets too out of hand.”

Zeus thew his hands in the air, and rain poured down, quickly extinguishing the fire.  

The portal closed.

Ravi looked at each of the gods around the table.  “Now we vote.  When it is your turn, please tell me who you want to be ultimate god of weather.”

Not surprisingly, each of the gods voted for themselves.  Ravi knew that would be the case.  He looked at each of the gods.  “We have a tie.  My vote will determine who becomes the ultimate god of weather.”  He took a deep breath.  “My vote goes to …. Me.”

“What?!”

“That can’t be!”

“This shall not stand!”

“Fraud!”

Ravi put his hands up to silence his distractors.   “As I told you at the beginning of this meeting, I am Indra, the Hindu king of the gods—”

“You did not introduce yourself as a god!” bellowed Thor.

“If you had taken the time to know the other gods, you would have recognized me!  It’s not my fault you are ignorant of others.”

Thor just shook his head.

“As I was saying, I am the king of the gods, god of rain, god of storms, god of lightning, god of thunder, god of the sky, and god of the rivers.  I am more than qualified for this position. I am able to keep one billion, four hundred twenty-nine million people happy.  I have the backing of the Council of Gods—”

The conference room door swung open, and a woman entered the room.  She walked right up to Ravi and slapped a sheet of paper. On the table in front of him.

“This is a cease and desist order.  This arbitration is deemed illegal,” she said.

Ravi picked up the paper and scanned it. “By whose order?” he demanded.

The woman smiled.  “The Council of Gods, of course.”

“And who are you?” asked Ravi, looking from the paper to the woman.

She smiled wider.  “I’m Mother Nature, and gentlemen, the weather is all mine.  Always has been, always will be.”  She looked at the group.  “Meeting adjourned.”