The Reality of You and I

My heart is heavy. The pain has made itself a home inside me, weighing me down as if I am tied to rocks in the middle of the ocean. Left out to dry but I am still drowning.  I struggle to keep my head above water. But after all this time, my weeps for support have been ignored. Ignored longer than they should have been. I am realizing I do not deserve this. After all these years filled will tears, I will no longer allow myself to sink. I wish I had the courage to hate you, to cause you more pain than you have ever caused me. Unfortunately, my soul was not created to do such. Instead, I will let karma handle the dirty work. As of now, I will be brave. I will remain confident. Furthermore, I will leave you like I should have done before I ever even got into the water with you. 

When we first met, you were a lighting bug in the darkest hour of the night. You caught my eye, and I wanted you, badly. I chased you around for years, not understanding that you were running from me. I tried to change myself for your attention. I swam so far that when I looked at myself in the mirror, I could not recognize the person staring back at me. No matter what I did, it was never enough. You still overlooked me. Until that one humid summer night. It was one of those nights where the crickets spoke for the pending doom. When the scent was the energy soon to be formed. The sky was clear, and the moon stared down at me telling me, “No”. The moon told me you were bad news, and what did I do? I followed you to the dark alley way that reeked of hot trash. You noticed me for the first time and for the first time in my entire life I felt light in my heart.  Our relationship formed as quickly as a tsunami. There was no mercy in the way you crashed down on me.  

You would carry me as if I was the world, then would drop me at the palm of your hand like I was a grain of sand. There were no memories, our time together was a blur. Time with you, was equivalent to time with death. All I ever had was the present time, everything else simply did not matter. When the moon was blue, a light bulb would grow out of my head. The thoughts were painful, and they grew louder each time I swatted them away. I do not want to sound dramatic, but if someone came up to me and told me that you were a mastermind criminal, I would believe them. You planned things out in a detailed manner and worst of all, you had patterns. The patterns would be so simple that no one would even notice them. I was your puppet, and this was your plan all along. To come and go like the waves in the ocean. You pretended to be a fish in the sea that was meant for me. You knew you didn’t love me; you just loved the way that I loved you. 

One thing you did know about me is that I was not a fool.  So, you started out small. You gave me things slowly and took them away slowly. It boggles my mind how I did not notice how little you gave me. Perhaps I was wrong for that. Maybe by chance, I took for granted the things you have done for me. However, the advantage you held over me was unfair. The way you would pull me aside, lean in and kiss my lips before opening them and asking them for money. The way I obliviously would return the kiss and replay it repeatedly as if I was leaving the movie theater after seeing a great movie I would never see again. The lovely feeling of attention that you gave me would give me instant motivation to find my wallet and give you all that I had. You knew that too, didn’t you? You found ways to get inside and outside of me and used them in all the worst ways.  

You grew violent when I tried to tell you no. It began with yelling at me like I was a child. Things progressed into smashing anything in your sight. It could be that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but this has no excuses. One of those nights, I must have been the only thing in your sight. Although your memory was hazy, mine was not. And I remember vividly how angry you got when I awoke you from your sleep by accident. The night was cold, and the rain was landing. Did anyone tell you that you were a blanket hog? Or maybe even raise you to share? You hit me. You took your strong arm, pulled it back as far as it would go and launched it straight into my hip. I woke up the next morning to my side red, swollen and pulsing with pain.  Over something so silly. All I wanted was some blanket as we slept. So silly, I even let it go. I convinced myself it wouldn’t happen again, that you weren't in the right state of mind. Even so, after that incident my nights were sleepless and lonely as my heart tried to convince itself, this was love and you were who I wanted.   

These flashbacks resurfaced every single time you grew violent. Rather you were breaking a plant, throwing a dish or even stomping your feet. Every single time you would throw a tantrum it would burn the bridge of every single lie I convinced myself was true. That we were meant to be, that this was normal. You reached a limit I never thought I would never even have to create when I was your only sight, again. The hard-hallow noise of my face being punched in made my lies silent. I tried everything so that we could grow. We were supposed to be a seedling in the dirt trying to bloom, but you were a knife cutting through the veins of us. I was bleeding out.  

Your naked truth was peeking through like the morning sun. It was time for you to go. It was a relief to hear you would be staying with your friends for the weekend. By the time you got back, your items were packed in a singular black trash bag. You’re leaving for good this time. Forever, how we were supposed to be. I gave you love, you gave me pain. The water was never deep, you just never allowed me to stand on my own two feet.