The God's Protector

(Note: There is toilet humor here)

These were perilous times to live in. The universe had given up its young, creating an endless cavalcade that toppled mountains without mercy. Without the semblance of a peaceful crossover.

Zaghes Kristum was late. He had traveled past an entire galaxy that year and was still not at his destination. His flying rock was held tightly in his hands, allowing him to travel faster than the speed of light.

“What is this he says?” said Zaghes to himself. “What does it take to win an interplanetary war? For what do these galaxies make haste, for that they should enter into eternity?”

Suddenly, there was an aberration up ahead. Zaghes instinctively stopped flying. Instantly, a giant of all proportion appeared. His skin was oily, his breath hot. He had the largest bifocals one could imagine, the size of several buildings, along with an intergalactic pocket protector, just in case.

“Dorghees,” said Zaghes. “For what hast thou brought thine humble servant to this, your abode?”

“Silence!”

“What? What did I say?”

“Silence, that’s what I said! Why if I weren’t so previously occupied I should take very much take to plucking each atom, each cell, of your vocal cords in order to satisfy my silence.”

“What?”

“I said silence!”

“Sorry! Why hast thou brought me here.”

“I said silence. Not that I was asking you, but I have asked you here in order to fulfill your ultimate quest. Your raison d’etre, so to speak.”

“What is my ultimate quest, my dear lord?”

“What did you say?”

“What is my…quest, my dear lord?”

“I…I am the ultimate god of the etherlands.”

“Yes, this is fully known.”

“Invincible, immortal; omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent.”

“Yes, yes, yes.”

“Silence. Why have you come to my secret place? What is your scheme?”

“You called me here…”

“I am the god of gods. Lord of lords. King of kings.”

“Yes, my lord. You are a true king.”

“’A’ true king? I’m the only true king!”

“Yes, you are!”

“Silence! I have the hottest body at the beach. If there were any beaches out here. My abs are like a mighty mountain. Un-crushable in their essence.”

“If I may agree with you…”

“No, you may not! A god such as I does not need a mere supernatural to witness his greatness! Hale nawl!”

“Yes, my lord. Please, continue.”

“I don’t have to continue because you say I have to continue! I…!”

“Okay, okay, I get it. Please, please, just tell me why you called me.”

“Why have I called you? Oh yes. I need to take a leak.”

“What?”

“I have to take a leak.”

“’Tis a ponderous predicament we find ourselves in. A being can only travel so far.”

“No, you misunderstand. I have to take a leak.”

“Yes…?”

“And I require the necessary facilities with which to relieve the torrents which…”

“You need a toilet?”

“Yes.”

“You need me to take you to the toilet?”

“Not just any toilet. I require the ultimate toilet.”

“The ultimate toilet? What is that?”

“I require a toilet of immense proportions. The ultimate torrent with which to wash away my tinkle. A tidal wave of Mulligans.”

“So, you need some water to take a leak in?”

“In essence, but you miss the deeper implications. I…”

“No, I think I got it. You need to take a leak, but you’re a god. So you need a god-sized toilet.”

“I am the god! I need the god-sized toilet!”

“Okay. So, where is this toilet?”

“That’s what I require of you.”

“To find it for you?”

“Yes.”

“Shall I put on your favorite slippers?”

“I need to take a piss, not a nappy nap!”

“Okay. How big?”

“What?”

“How big of a toilet do you need.”

“Quintillions.”

“Quintillions of what? Gallons?”

“Jup.”

“How many quintillions?”

“Around 350 should do. At least on the low end.”

“You need 350 quintillion gallons of water? Just to take a piss?”

“I am a god – the god – and I…”

“Okay, okay, I’ll find it for you. Just hide behind me when we get there.”

Later, on Earth, in the city of San Francisco, in the United States, Janet Pallero was standing at the beach, overlooking the Pacific Ocean. She had just been laid off from her tech job and was contemplating a new career.

“Maybe I can be an MMA fighter,” she said to herself. “I’m…strong.”

Just then, the sky opened up and a man barreled through the clouds, flying with enough force to burrow a hole directly through the planet. The man flew directly to where Janet was standing, landing right in front of her.

“Did you just fly down from the sky and land right in front of me?”

“Uh, are you using that?” said Zaghes, pointing out at the water.”

“Using what? I don’t see anything. It’s just…ocean. There’s nothing there.”

“Good, implicit consent. Come on down, big guy!”

Suddenly, a giant foot fell from the sky. The size of a small city. The powerful foot shook the earth and created a tidal wave that began to flow into San Francisco. The people screamed.

“Oh my God! It’s El Nino!” said one man.

“My Smart Car better be where I parked it!” said a woman.

“Who is that guy? God?” said Janet.

“No need to be so formal. Just call him god.”

“You mean ‘God’ god?”

“No, just god.”

“Goodness!” said the god Dorghees, walking around in the ocean. “Could they make these urinals any more flat? Plus, it’s round. That’s even worse!”

“Who is that guy and why is he talking about urinals.”

“You might want to cover your ears. He has pretty bad stream control. From what I’ve heard…”

“Can’t he just go to McDonald’s? The least he should do is buy a cheeseburger first.”

“He’ll do that later. But now I have a question for you.”

“What?”

“If you were to find yourself suddenly crushed and then drowned by a tidal wave of god’s urine, are you sure you’d go to heaven?”

“What?”