The Death of Lowy

By: Hannah Cairns


    I don’t know how i’m supposed to feel right now. Rage, sad, despair, self hatred, which one? Maybe all. When I look at myself in the mirror the strongest emotion I feel is rage, but who am I enraged at? I think it's the world, Katerian, Lowy, and especially myself. We shouldn’t have let this happen, but it’s too late now.


I’m not feeling anything, but I know i’m supposed to feel something. We failed but I still want to die. I want this all to be over, it hasn’t changed my mind. We all knew what we wanted, but what happened has changed Nora's mind, my mind is completely clear on what I want. But the thing is I don’t want to do it without Nora. I guess it’s not my decision to make though.


I still don’t understand why she would do what she did, but I don’t think she came up with the idea on her own. This is all Nora and Katherians fault. Lowy wouldn’t do this. This is all their fault and I’m not going to stand around and do nothing about it.


“It’s time Nora,” my mother called from the living room.

I didn’t say anything back. I just looked at myself in the mirror and told myself I just have to make it through the day. I don’t want to go to the funeral. Maybe I'm selfish but I hate myself for letting this happen. My only job now is to make sure the same thing doesn’t happen to Katherian.


I didn’t want to think about what is going to happen today. I don’t want to be stared at by Nora. She’s just going to watch me until I break, but I'm already broken and she can’t fix me. Nora is broken too, she just can’t see it.


“Hello Dean,” Nora said in a sympathetic tone.

“Hi Nora,” I said back trying to also sound sympathetic.

“Have you ever been to a funeral,” she asked.

“Not one like this,” I said while looking around at all the people. “My grandfathers didn’t have this many people, it’s overwhelming,” I said.

“Yeah I know,” Nora said back.

“So many people. so you probably have a wave of guilt about to crash into you,” I said, but she said nothing back. She looked like she just got caught. We both know that it’s her and Katherians fault, I just don’t know how yet.


Dean said that I should feel guilty. I do feel guilty, but no one should know that. He shouldn’t know that. Dean walked away from me after he said that. I immediately tried to look for Katherian. I was just lost in a sea of people that I barely knew and they were all crying. And I knew that they shouldn’t be crying, they should all be enraged at me.

“Katherian!” I yelled when I stepped outside.

“Yeah, what’s wrong?”

“That’s kind of a stupid question,” I said in a pissed off tone. “We never should have done that, we never should have let her do that!” I realized that I yelled but everyone was inside thank God.

“Calm down,” she said.

“Calm down?! How do you expect me to calm down?! This is all our fault!”

When I yelled that I heard a noise come from behind me, it was Dean. I wasn’t sure what he understood about what I just said. He just stared at us for a second then turned around and went back inside.

I turned back around and looked at Katerian.

“Look, the only thing we did wrong was not finishing what we planned.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, and looked at her like she was crazy.

“It means that we had a plan and failed, but we can still finish it.”

“You have clearly lost your mind. Didn’t you read your damn letter?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t change anythi-”

“What letter,” Dean came and cut her off.

I wasn’t sure what to say so we all just stood there like idiots looking at each other.

“What letter?” Dean asked again, but neither of us still wanted to answer.

Next thing you know I’m on the ground and my vision is all blurry. I think someone hit me in the back of my head, then… nothing.


I just saw Nora get hit in the back of the head. I tried to catch her when she fell but right when I tried, someone hit me on the back of the head too. When I was laying there on the ground I saw Nora trying to keep her eyes open but she couldn’t. I could easily keep my eyes open so I tried to stand back up but then someone hit me again and I fell right back down.

Then I couldn’t move and couldn’t keep my eyes open either, but before we both shut them I said in a whisper, “I’m sorry Nora.”

“Me too.”

Then we both passed out.


I could finally open my eyes again but I wasn’t sure on how much time had passed. I was so groggy and everything was still a bit blurry. I wasn’t sure if I should move. My eyes finally focused and I saw Katherian across from me while she was looking back at me. I couldn’t move and I don't think she could either. We just laid there on the ground looking at each other.

I started to piece back what I last remembered. I got hit in the head. When I remembered that, I got a strong pain in the back of my head like it just happened again. I guess the memory just brought on the memory of the pain. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t make a sound.

I eventually got the strength to sit up, I saw Dean was here also. He was still passed out though.

“What the hell happened?” asked Katherian.

“I have no idea,” I said back.

I started to look around and all three of us were in a small room that looked brand new, like it was just built. Then someone came in. He was tall and extremely attractive. He looked familiar, the kind of familiar when you know someone who knows someone else.

“Who the hell are you?” Katherian asked.

The guy started to walk towards Katherian and bent down in a squatting position. “All you need to know is I am someone who is pissed off at you so don’t yell at me.”

“Why? What did we do? Who the hell are you?” I yelled while I tried to get up but then I saw that my legs and hands were tied, not sure how I didn’t notice that before.

He turned around and got in front of my face like he did with Katherian.

“Do you think that I won’t kill you?” he said in a very serious tone.

When he said that I got freaked out. And not the type of freaked out when you are surprised, the kind of freaked out when you are afraid to talk, move, or even breath.

“You are the reason Lowy is dead,” he said while still up in my face.

I wasn’t sure if I should respond to that, what would I even say?

“I loved Lowy and it’s your fault that she is dead,” he said that then just left the room.

I looked over and saw that Dean was awake.

“Who is that guy?” I asked, not expecting an answer.

“He was the guy that was in love with Lowy. She didn’t like him at all which just made him mad,” Dean said while trying to completely wake up.

That made me remember something that Lowy told me before she died. She told me that there was a guy that was creeping her out and said that it’s just another thing that she will be free of when she dies. I should’ve taken what she said more seriously because clearly this guy is crazy.

“You guys need to tell me what you have been keeping a secret about what happened with Lowy,” Dean said in a desperate voice.

Me and Katherian just looked at each other.

“He deserves to know,” I said to Katherian. She nodded like she just doesn’t care anymore.

“Lowy wasn’t planning on killing herself on her own, we all wanted to. All three of us planned to kill ourselves together.”

“Then why are you alive?”

“The day that we planned to kill ourselves… Lowy wanted to do it on her own. She got to the bridge really early, and when me and Katherian woke up we saw letters next to us. The letters basically said that she didn’t want us to die. She said that he didn’t deserve to win by having all of us kill ourselves.”

“Who didn’t deserve to win?”

I just looked at Katherian. I didn’t want to say it out loud but I could tell that if Katherian said it she would break down.

“Zack, from school.”

“What did he do?”

“He uh, raped each one of us one by one. He said that he wanted to know how long it would take for us to say something to each other. He said that if we told anyone else he would kill us. None of us wanted to live terrified every second at school that he would kill us, or do it again. We were going to leave a note telling everyone that he’s a rapist,” I said that so fast just wanting to get it out. I said all of that while staring at the beautiful hardwood floor. When I looked up, Dean had several emotions written all over his face.


We all sat there in silence. I was very relieved that someone finally knew.


I wasn’t sure what to say when Nora told Dean everything, but I had to say something.

“We all should’ve died,” I said in a soft voice partly hoping that neither of them would hear me, but they did.

“How could you say that,” Nora said.

“I don’t want to live in this pain anymore Nora. The pain we are suffering is different, yours and mine are different. We both might have been raped but you're not the one who ended up getting pregnant by a rapist.”

I guess this is the time where we are spilling all our truths.

“How- why didn’t you tell me?”

“This child inside of me doesn’t deserve to be born with a rapist as a father. But I am not going to have an abortion. So killing myself has some poetry to it wouldn’t you think. I don’t want to live anymore Nora, i’m tired, can’t you understand that.”

After I said that she wasn’t sure what to say. She wasn’t against abortion, but she wasn’t for it either.

“Every second this child is growing and I don’t know how much longer I can handle it.”

“Katherian. I’m so sorry. But you read that note too, we don’t deserve to die. We need to live, if not for ourselves then for Lowy.”

After that no one said a word. Dean looked like he got hit by a brick.

“What’s that noise,” asked Nora.

There was banging coming from the other side of the door. Then I heard a voice I recognized. Nora recognized it too. It was Zack. I couldn’t understand what they were saying. They were physically fighting and arguing. Then nothing, no sound at all. Then the door opened, Zack looked inside at all three of us.

“You’re welcome,” he said then threw a knife on the ground then left.


I was so shocked and I could tell that Dean was too. The pregnancy was such a shock that I didn’t even question why Zack just saved us.

“What just happened?” asked Dean.

“I have no idea,” I said.

Dean grabbed the knife and started cutting through the rope that tied our hands and feet.

“I’m gonna kill him,” Dean said while cutting through the rope.

“No you’re not,” I said.

“Why the hell not?”

“Because he doesn’t deserve to die, he deserves to rot in a jail cell until he dies.”

“How could you possibly want him to be on this earth after he raped all three of you and got Katherian pregnant!”

“Because, I want him to rot until he dies.”

“You guys are ignoring a big question. What the hell just happened! Why the hell did he just save us?” Katherian screamed.

“Can we just get out of here right now,” I said.

“Holy shit!” screamed Katherian.

The guy that captured us was dead. There was blood everywhere. I guess Zack was capable of rape and murder.

“Let’s get out of here,” I said.

When we walked out the door I wasn’t exactly sure where we were. The main road was up ahead, we hitchhiked. Something that I was terrified of doing but I really didn’t care at this point. We were about thirty minutes away from home.

“We should go talk about what just happened,” Dean said.

“Where?” I asked but he didn’t answer, he just started to walk.

We ended up in the abandoned part of the park then we sat down. We sat in silence for a few minutes but then I said,

“I’m not going to let you die Katherian. You must have thought about what you would do with the pregnancy if you lived.”

“I wouldn’t have an abortion. If I live I will find a family to take it. I won’t put it in foster care.”

“Sounds like a plan then. But people are going to want to know who the father is.”

“I know. I want him in jail before this baby is born,” she said as she looked at me and I could tell what she wanted. She wanted me to speak up. Lowy is dead, she is going through a pregnancy, so I guess i’m the one who could speak up.

“I will help you both. I’m sorry I blamed you both,” Dean said.

“You loved Lowy didn’t you,” I asked but more like a statement.

“I should’ve seen it, I should’ve seen that she was hurting. I should’ve seen that all of you were hurting.”

“I want to go home and sleep. Can we figure out what to do about what just happened tomorrow?”

“Do you want me to come with you?” I asked.

“No, I will be fine. Lets just meet here tomorrow afternoon.”

We started to walk home. Not much time had passed while we were gone. People thought we didn’t go to the funeral because it was too much for us. I wish we could have gotten kidnapped after the funeral, I want to say goodbye.

When I got home there was a note on my bed that said…

“I’m sorry I hurt you Nora. I’m sure you’re wondering why you were kidnapped. He wanted to kill all three of you, he’s my cousin, well was my cousin. When you’re reading this I will probably be at the police station admitting what I did. I was just experimenting but I can now see that I hurt the three of you. My cousin wanted to kill you three because he blames you for what happened to Lowy. You guys aren’t the only ones that know you were all planning on killing yourselves. A lot of people cared about Lowy, and there are people just like my cousin that blame you. So watch your back Nora, I won’t be able to watch yours from jail.”

-From Zack Paul     

May 08, 2020 03:01

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Nathan ????
07:35 Jun 17, 2021

Do you still have a only fans if so post the link


Hannah Cairns
06:05 Jul 02, 2021

Uh, I don’t know who you are but get off my account


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