No More Hiding

I never should have left, especially not then.

The letter had shown up three months ago, and it had taken this long until I could open it. The name was one I knew almost as well as my own: Kaitlin’s father. That line stuck out to me so jaggedly that I wanted to throw it into the fireplace, followed by anything else in the house that reminded me of him.

Instead, I took a deep breath and started reading over. Surely, somewhere in this handwritten piece of trash, he would explain why he had not only bailed but had remained totally absent for almost a decade.

Dear Jo,

I know it’s been too long. I know you probably never expected me to write and maybe I shouldn’t have. I need to see you. It isn’t just that I miss you, there is so much more to it than that.

I never should have left, especially not then. We were kids Jo, yeah sure we were in college but we were kids. I made mistakes and the biggest one was not taking you with me when I left.  And I couldn’t tell you what I can tell you now. I am so so sorry.

You’ll notice there was no address on this envelope, and I beg you to not look for me. Writing this is probably a risk, but the agents said I could so here we are.

Agents huh? So he was in some sort of witness protection program. I thought back to around the time he had vanished and it made enough sense. I guess I had kind of hoped he died, but when the police were contacted they didn’t put in much effort to look for him. Just the cursory search, but he was an adult. There had been a plane ticket, for two, out of the country. With his name and some woman I didn’t know.

I had to leave the country for a while and really fast but I couldn’t tell you about it because it would put you at risk. My Dad had gotten tangled up with some people with his gambling and I got roped into it. I know you hated that I was selling but I was just trying to pay off his debts so that they would leave us alone.

He was my Da, Jo. What else was I supposed to do. I knew how tough you were and that you could make it through anything. I wish you had told me you were pregnant. You had to know by then. I would have set something up for you before I ran or before I went into the program last year to bring you with me.

Fucking coward ran and left everyone behind like the selfish prick I always knew he was. He never mentioned the other woman on the reservation. He had to have known about the baby. The morning sickness, not drinking, sleeping more. He had to have known and that’s why he ran. This program stuff was bullshit, more excuses. And why now, getting in touch after 10 years?

Thing is I just got in deeper with them. I started to notice that there were people in our classes that I would see at the bar, or in other places where they had control. There were more people involved in all of it than I ever expected. I started seeing them everywhere. Dad got in deeper with them and the threats started.

I remember that was one of our biggest fights when I told you I didn’t like Mike or Taz. You got so mad at me claiming I was jealous. Especially when I saw you and Mike at the coffee shop and interrupted your “study date.” I still think they were both in on the whole thing.

I wish I could tell you what the whole thing is, but I can’t baby.

Who the fuck did he think he was calling baby after 10 years. He had bailed. He had run off with some other woman while having a meltdown for a while and got himself into even more trouble and what? Now he wanted us to bail him out of it?

I have never stopped loving you. I have asked if you can be brought into the program because some new information has come to light and I think you are still in danger. I know you married Mike baby. I know he was there to pick up the pieces. Pieces that were HIS fault. I know it might sound crazy but I can tell you all about it when the agents bring you here.

They will be reaching out to you any day now. They will know secrets about us only you and I know. Please listen to them, go someplace private and take the phone. I will tell you everything I can. We can be together again, us and the baby. I suppose she isn’t a baby anymore, but I want this more than anything.

You are still in danger.

I love you.

B

I leaned back from the letter tears running down my cheeks, looking over at the picture on my desk of the three of us as a family. After Brian had vanished it had taken a long time but we had met and become a real family. And now? Brian was the reason they were gone.

My Jo would never read this letter, and neither would Kaitlin. The ID 4 Jo had been driving had an electrical failure, the car had gone off the road and into a ravine. Kaitlin had survived long enough for the paramedics to arrive, but not long enough for me to make it to the hospital to say goodbye.  I had worked so hard to get him out of the way and then get her to look at me. To love me.

I knew that hacking into the computer for the car would kill them, but you had to do what you had to do to keep the status quo. God I had loved her. If Brian had just stayed the fuck away. This was all his fault. He even called me out by name in his god damned letter.

I looked down at the letter where it lay on my desk, my hands shaking on either side where I had spread them. It was his fault. I knew that now in the depths of my soul, it was his fault. He hadn’t stayed gone like I told him to, their death was on his hands. This bullshit letter was too little too late to get to her.  

Maybe he figured out that I had swooped in to rescue Jo while she was still pregnant. That I was the one who had told them about his double dealings, keeping me in their good graces and keeping him out of Jo’s life. She had always deserved better, and that dumb mother fucker had gotten her killed anyway.

Now it was my turn, he had tried to take Jo away from me when we were younger, but now he had finally succeeded. I opened my laptop and began my search.