Dear Diary

January 3rd, 2017

Dear Diary,

My therapist told me it might help me to start writing down my thoughts every now and then. I’m not entirely sure how writing down stupid words on a piece of paper will help me at all, but who am I to judge? She’s the professional after all. I’m not sure how to even write in a diary. It all seems so childish, but if it gets my mom and therapist off my back for a while then I will do just about anything. So diary, I guess I’ll start off by saying why I’m in therapy. They say it’s because I’m depressed, but I don’t think it’s true. I feel like depression is when people feel sad or angry for a long period of time. I feel nothing. I’m not sad or mad. I’m not happy either. I feel nothing; I am nothing.

January 6th, 2017

Dear Diary,

I saw my mom crying again. I know she wishes I were someone else. She wishes she had a normal kid. The kid who is always smiling, going to sports games, and having sleepovers with friends. It’s moments like these when I wish I could be that for her. I wish I could feel happy. I even wish I could feel sad, because at least then I would feel something. I just feel empty. I’ll try to be better for my mom, but I don’t think I can.

January 15th, 2017

Dear Diary,

I made a new friend. He said he liked my shirt, so I told him I liked his shoes. We started talking about school and how we can’t wait to graduate one day. He was nice to me and he even made me smile a few times. I was shocked. I couldn’t remember the last time I had a genuine smile. It’s been a while. I hope we stay friends.

January 22nd, 2017

Dear Diary,

It was a great day. Jake came over to my house and we studied. My mom was shocked when I asked if a friend could come over. I could practically see the light that came into her eyes. I realized how much I longed for that look. I want her to be proud of me. I never want to see her cry again. Studying was always boring to me, but with Jake, I don’t think anything could be boring with him.

February 10th, 2017

Dear Diary,

I have to tell you a secret. I think I am in love. Okay, I know I’ve only known him for not even a month, but I swear I am in love with him. He makes me feel light and warm, like one of those cinnamon apple candles my mom always puts out during the holidays. I used to feel like I’d always be swallowed up by darkness and emptiness, but when Jake is around, he lights everything up and he makes me feel full. I don’t want to tell him how I feel because I don’t want to lose him, even if it’s just as a friend.

March 3rd, 2017

Dear Diary,

JAKE AND I ARE DATING! I REPEAT, JAKE AND I ARE DATING! I know I haven’t updated in a couple of weeks, but I just wanted to take a moment and just feel all these new feelings. I can’t stop thinking about it. We went to the movies and he held my hand the entire time. I never knew I could feel these emotions. The nothingness that I felt seems like a lifetime ago. I’m beginning to think Jake is magical. My mom likes him at least and I can tell a weight has been lifted off of her shoulders from seeing me happy.

March 9th, 2017

Dear Diary,

I’m kind of angry. I went to my therapist and I was so excited to tell her about Jake. I wanted to see the same light that I saw in my mom’s eyes when I told her. I thought she would be happy that I am finally happy. I mean isn’t that what my mom is paying her for? To make me feel something? To make me normal? She said and I quote, “I am happy that you are feeling good, but you can’t base your happiness off of anyone or anything else because what happens when that thing or person is taken away from you?” I mean why would she even say that to me? She’s supposed to be happy for me regardless. Jake makes me happy and that’s all I am going to care about from now on. I am going to tell my mom that I don’t need to go to therapy anymore. I probably won’t write in this stupid book anymore either.

June 13th, 2017

Dear Diary,

I don’t know what is happening. Jake has been an amazing boyfriend, but there’s something wrong with me. I’m starting to feel how I used to. I know I haven’t written in so long, but I don’t know where else to go. I don’t think anyone would understand. I thought I was normal, but there’s something wrong with me again. I’m starting to feel empty, but how can that be when I love Jake? I want someone to talk to, but my therapist will probably tell me to leave Jake, and I can’t do that. I won’t.

June 27th, 2017

Dear Diary,

I can tell Jake is getting upset with me. I haven’t wanted to do anything for two weeks. He wanted me to go to a party with him, but I don’t know how to tell him that I can’t do it. I couldn’t tell him that it feels like I am drowning and can’t seem to get back up to the surface. Jake, being the guy he is, doesn’t go to the party. He sits next to me and holds my hand. He asked me what’s wrong and I used the same excuse that I always do, “Nothing. I’m just tired.” How can I fix this? Why can’t I just feel happy again?

July 10th, 2017

Dear Diary,

The emptiness has taken over again fully. Jake broke up with me. I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. My mom cries again and I feel nothing. I guess Jake finally had enough with my mood swings. He stood in front of me, his eyes no longer holding any light or warmth, and he tells me that I drag him down. I suppose I deserve it. I do drag everyone down, even myself. I didn’t even cry when he broke up with me. Is that normal? I don’t think it is, because in movies, a character always cries when their heart is ripped in half. What is wrong with me?

July 13th, 2017

Dear Diary,

I’ve been forced back into therapy again. My mom is worried. I thought my therapist would tell me that she told me so, but she welcomed me back with open arms. We talked about the breakup and what lead up to it. I told her I don’t want to feel this way anymore and she tells me that it takes time. I told her I want to be normal and she told me that I am normal, that people with depression have bad thoughts, but it has nothing to do with the person. I don't know if I believe it.

November 6th, 2017

Dear Diary,

I haven't wrote in here because I had to go somewhere for a while. I did something really bad. I shouldn’t be here right now. I shouldn’t be allowed to write in this stupid book because I should be dead. I hurt myself, but I think I broke my mom forever. She is scared to talk to me, scared to say the wrong thing. I don’t know how to tell her that it’s not her fault. I’m starting to think it’s not anyone’s fault, not even mine.

January 1st, 2018

Dear Diary,

Ever since the attempt a couple of months ago, I have been seeing my therapist more and taking new medications. I have been doing better and I’ve been learning a lot. I understand why Jake ended things. I understand what my therapist was trying to tell me all those months ago. I tried to use Jake to fill the parts of me that felt empty. It felt good, at least for a little while. Depression isn’t like a cut on your skin. You can’t slap a band aid on it and wait for it to heal. You can’t use a person or an item to fill the holes that depression has left in you. I’ve realized that I couldn’t love Jake the way he deserved because I didn’t love myself the way I deserved. I’m working towards loving myself now, even in the bad moments. I know now that depression isn’t a straight line. There will be zigs and zags, but I know now that I’m not alone in it. I have people all around who go through the same thing and I have people who love me. There was never anything wrong with me. I will get depressed sometimes. I will feel empty sometimes. I will get sad sometimes, and I think that is okay.