Stars and sunrises

It’s been a long time since my childhood. After a while, the trauma caught up to me and made me forget so many things. I didn’t remember a lot, I’m sure I wouldn’t want to remember anything. All I remember was the cries I heard every night as my mother was repeatedly beat. I decided to forget the most I could, and I did that with drinking. I remember being invited to a party, it was winter and I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I decided it was better than staying in my empty apartment. When I got there, everyone seemed to have fun, enjoying themselves, and all I could do was wallow in the corner. I didn’t know how to talk to people, so I continued to drink and drink until all I could think of was how bright the Christmas lights were and how sick I felt. Everything was spinning and I couldn’t think.

I woke up to the feeling of warmth. Someone had their arm wrapped around me while holding a blanket over me.

“Are you awake yet?” She spoke to me with such kindness, I would’ve believed her if she said she was an angel.

“Uh-huh,” Was all I could muster as I sat up next to her. We were out in the crisp winter air, I noticed the bit of snow hugging close to the newly dead grass. She must’ve given me her hat because I noticed how warm my head felt.

“You fell asleep pretty hard. Do you feel better?” When I looked into her eyes all I could see was stars. She was as beautiful as her voice.

“Huh?” It was embarrassing, being unable to speak properly, but I still wanted to hear her voice. She opened her mouth to speak, “Are you feeling better?” She placed her hand on my forehead, “Would you like to go inside?” My heart was racing, and I was unable to speak coherently. “Oh…I’m fine.” Was all I could muster. She seemed to soften at that response. “I, um, who are you?”

“Well my name is Li,” She thinks for a second, “And who are you?

“It doesn’t matter. Just call me Hickory.” She smiled with her beautiful smile, “Ok, Hickory,” She looked up, “It sure is nice out, huh?” I nodded and looked up a little bit as well. When I looked up into that beautiful sky, I felt like crying. How wonderful it was.

One of the things I remembered from my childhood was how much I loved the stars. Now when I look at them, I would rather hang myself upon those beautiful rays of light. I needed a drink, I needed to forget.

“Do you ever feel like dying?” Before I could say anything, she started speaking. I was shocked for a second.

“Oh, I…” I looked up at her, and for a moment I felt like I could tell her anything. “Yes, sometimes.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Sometimes I just can’t do it anymore, like life is too hard. Kind of weak, huh?” I tried to laugh a bit but it came out as more of a cry. I was becoming more sober by the second and I needed it to stop. I could feel tears fall from my eyes, why was I so emotional? I couldn’t help but think that. I felt warmth wrap around me again. “It’s ok. I understand. I don’t think it’s weak at all.” She spoke to me. Her words were kind, and I felt safe. Her perfume was strong, in noticed, and it made me want to disappear into the sweet smell that grabbed me.

“Please,” She said, “Please just tell me everything. Everything that’s going on.” She spoke like an old friend trying to help someone she hasn’t talked to in a while.

“Ok,” I agreed, “I don’t know where to start.” I decided to hold on to her. Was this something all girls did for each other?

“I don’t remember anything. I don’t know anything.” I was fully crying. “I don’t have any goals…I’m always questioning myself endlessly.” My nose was moist with snot and my cheeks were wet. “Even my body won’t listen to me. I have no interest beyond myself, I’m a horrible person, a horrible, horrible person.” I squeezed her harder. “Tell me, miss, tell me what’s right.” She just kept holding onto me as I cried. I cried the same gibberish over and over again, hoping someone would answer my questions, even if I didn’t want to know the truth.

When I finally calmed down I looked up at her. She stood up and at that moment I felt a sense of familiarity. A feeling that I didn’t know anything about. “Have we met before?” I spoke before I could think, “No, if I knew you I would never be able to forget you.” At that moment her eyes seemed to lose their brightness, and she smiled a soft, sad smile. “Maybe,” She offered her hand to me and I took it and stood in front of her. “I could stare at this all day,” She said, smiling up at the disappearing stars before looking down at me. “I’d rather be staring at a paycheck.” I told her. She grasped my face in her soft hands. “I wasn’t talking about the stars.” She kissed me and I could no longer think. When I could no longer breathe she pulled back and smiled at me. “Don’t forget me again, ok?” I nodded. I was confused by the ‘again’ but I couldn’t say anything. I felt a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time. A feeling of joy and love and hope. I couldn’t think of a way to get out, but when I looked up at her, I didn’t want to escape her voice. I really did want to remember her, no matter how bad my memory was. As the sun began to rise up behind her, I knew I saw a smile I could never forget.