All Aboard The Excuse Train

Is it sad or is it funny? I mean if you look at it from every angle you can certainly see it being both sad and funny. It’s sad because time is being wasted. It’s as simple as that. I’m always saying on a daily basis that “time is a thief” and yet I still treat it as it’s a constant. I think it’s insane that 22 years have passed since my freshman year at college but it feels like it was yesterday. I suppose that I could see that as a blessing. A mental time capsule of sorts. Being able to be in that very moment back in 2003 first day of college meeting my still best Friend for the first time. I think having that ability makes it easy for me to have excuses. I think it’s odd that people can write out a plan and actually follow through. A professor once told me to do just that, write out a plan. How do you want the trajectory of your life to play out. He told me to do that years ago when I was in school. Guess what? I have yet to put those ideas to paper. Maybe I’m afraid of what things might look like if those plans fall through so why even bother at all. Excuse number one. Wow, should I start a list for the excuses? I’ll probably come up with an excuse to not do it so I’ll just keep going. I’m going to do it, right now! I’m going to write out a plan.

I graduated from music school so naturally I would think that the plan would be something musical. So what does that look like for me, realistically. I’m from Texas and was told by multiple people that Austin Texas is turning out to be the “Mecca” for film so just maybe I could hitch my wagon to something in the lines of scoring short films or documentaries. Technology was really the excuse for me letting that idea go by the wayside. By the time I graduated the technology had already changed in major ways. So that would look like for me getting up-to-date with hardware and software which is too expensive for someone who just graduated college. There is a certain software that I used to write music on my computer. When I first got it, it was a 3.0 situation. I’m pretty sure it’s up to 13 now. That’s funny right? That’s not sad at all. It’s not sad that I haven’t had a program to write down my ideas and save them. I mean, there is still such thing as staff paper and pencils so all isn’t lost! The hardware that I came out of college with isn’t even compatible with any operating system of today. It’s tucked away on a high shelf in my closet. I should have sold it years ago but I’m sure I came up with some bright idea of me dusting it off and using it again. Bright idea = excuse.

No big deal! I’ll get in a band. I’ll have time to figure out some things and make a little money so maybe I can afford some new software and hardware to maybe dust off that little hint of a dream of scoring some films. It’s still music right? That’s what is most important. You know what else is important? Rent money. Most gigs aren’t paying the bills especially when you’re getting paid in drink tickets. Got a job at a local retail shop and started really early in the morning so I could have the rest of my day to myself so it wouldn’t interfere with gigging at night. I spent 10 years at that job breaking my body for nothing. Not for music that’s for sure and the band isn’t together anymore. That’s cool. I had been thinking about doing some of my solo stuff because people were always wanting me to sing while I was in my band. I thought, great I’ll go out and book myself a few gigs of me singing my songs. I need to get a keyboard that’s not as heavy as the workstation that I have so I would be able to lug it around from gig to gig comfortably. Maybe I can get some gigs at venues that already have a piano there that way I won’t have to struggle bringing a keyboard every time. More excuses.

“Hey, what have you been up to lately?” I hate that question. I hate that question so much. I’m embarrassed to say what I’ve been up to. I’ve been up to procrastinating and making excuses. That’s what I’ve been up to. “Oh, nothing much, I’m still writing music though.” At least that’s not a lie. I’m still writing music singing to my cats and my curtains. If my curtains and cats were a part of the music industry I’d be famous by now. At least I’d be successful. I have a friend that has a pretty cool radio station that I’ve been wanting to go on. I think I need to have more songs before I do that though. I also need to learn my lyrics. Yes, I wrote them but sometimes you’re just writing in the moment. It’s like the side of your brain that remembers lyrics is turned off afterwards. Like how you remember things just to take a test over it and then tootles, it’s all gone! So yes, I need to learn my lyrics. Some musicians are very judgmental when it comes to performing with lyrics and music in front of you so knowing that in the back of my head makes me aware that I need to have my stuff together.

Something else that I can add to my excuse train is that during COVID I poured my energy into all things abstract art! I even took a free online course that I got a certificate for and everything! Suck it excuses! You didn’t have your little gnarly hooks in me for that did you now! You were certainly waiting around the corner though. I have a few blank canvas lying around and I want to throw some paint around so bad but at the moment I can’t. I really don’t have a space for it. The old apartment allowed a little room to do it but this new place is like a cracker jack box. No room for it. I’ll eventually get back to it when I have the space. Is that an excuse or am I just a victim of my circumstances? I don’t want to get paint everywhere here and then have it coming back to bite me in the tail when it’s moving out time. That’s all I need to hear from management, “there seems to be bright colored speckles all over the place, even in the carpet”. I hate it here anyways and I feel like they would go that extra mile to tact on something ridiculous just to make things worse. The art that I already have that I could probably be selling is collecting dust because I keep putting off getting myself a website so people would know what I have. I mean, my apartment isn’t a gallery so I can’t walk people through it and explain my work so that would be the only way to be seen. I don’t have the money for a website right now either.

When I was a teenager I got a writing aptitude test in the mail and one day, surprise surprise I was bored and wanted to see what it was all about. I filled it out and wrote a short story and sent it in and they wrote me back saying I had a knack for writing and that I should study to be a writer. I didn’t think about that aptitude test again until a few years ago. I wonder did I think that, if I can write and I already have a knack for it why do I need to study writing. That does sound like something teenage me would say. How brazen of me to poke my nose out and think I didn’t need to study writing to further what I already know which is nothing. Or had I made a mental excuse for myself thinking that I don’t want to study writing because music is my main focus. I’d like to think it was that instead of me thinking I was already on the level of Ernest Hemingway and could just sit right down and write a masterpiece. If that is the case I’ll file that logic under sad for sure!

Small things in my life also fit into the the excuse category as well. I wanted to start walking every single day but couldn’t because I didn’t have the proper shoe to start! In my defense I have never owned a shoe that has felt good on my feet so that has technically been an issue with me my whole life. I probably should go get my feet checked out but you guessed it! NO MONEY! It’s okay though because I think I figured it out. I just went up a half size in a cheap but durable walking shoe and so far so good! It’s also getting too hot for me to go walking so I thought about getting one of those little water back packs that you can fill up with ice water which would help me get through a few miles. Absolutely don’t give me any grief for not wanting to walk in the heat because Texas heat is different from all other heat. Texans don’t have the luxury of it being super hot during the day and nice and cool at night. We have the luxury of super hot and humid during the day and super hot and humid during the night. Honestly I’d like to consult who ever is over the weather department for planet earth because they are a cruel handler! I’d love to move out of Texas for more reasons than one but I just can’t afford it. How is it just April and it’s already 90 degrees outside. I remember when summer was June and July. It was literally triple digits in December last year here in Texas.

I guess global warming, right? Recycle people! Although recycling can be a little complicated. There’s so much stuff you can’t recycle! I’ll never understand not being able to recycle a pizza box! It’s cardboard! It just has a hint of grease folks. It’s not enough to get all over that little baby duck that you’ve seen in those dish washing liquid commercials. I don’t know what can and can’t be recycled most times so I normally don’t don’t do it at all. Excuse number 1,818. I care about the environment but I can’t do all the work all by myself. Which makes me not want to participate at all. My life is ridiculous but it’s the only life I have! At this point in my life I think I have more excuses than Southwestern had Bells. Something that I tell myself all the time is that one day it won’t be like this. I have to believe that my dreams will come true and I’ll eventually be doing exactly what I’m meant to be doing. The whole time being a thief is working against me though. I need to put aside excuses and really heed what a music teacher of mine once told me. “Dare to be disciplined!” I’ve been daring for years but nothing is happening. Maybe it is happening but it just looks different. Wow, now I’m making excuses for my excuses. I think I should end this festival of thoughts before I come up with another excuse for stretching this out. Here’s to the future, I seriously hope.