Kelsi's Journey

The light penetrated Kelsi's eyelids, today was a day she had been dreading. She was exhausted thinking about leaving her room, she hadn't left it in a month. You may be wondering why, to answer that we will have to go back to another morning....

Kelsi woke before sunrise, she had been waiting for this day, her excitement meant she'd slept lightly. Her clothes were laid out on her chair and her suitcase sat by the door. This trip was once in a lifetime and she had saved all her money, just to pay for a fortnight in England, she was going with her best friend, Jamie. Jamie had relatives in Bristol, it was the only way her parents agreed to them going.

She quietly got herself ready and woke her dad up, to take them to their flight. He wasn't so chipper at 3:30 AM, but the coffee she handed him did help. After finishing his caffeinated beverage they took her things out to their car that was parked in the driveway instead of the garage so they wouldn't wake her mom up. Kelsi's mom had wished her a safe and enjoyable trip the night before whilst crying like goodbye was forever, so it was best to let her sleep.

On their way to Jamie's house her dad went over all of the safety warnings he had before, and as he finished they arrived. Jamie was waiting on her porch, bags ready to be loaded in the car.

The rest of the drive to the airport the girls excitedly talked about all the places they would visit and things they would do. Kelsi's dad listened and wondered where his little girl had gone, and when this young woman had taken her place, and a tear ran down his face. They soon pulled up to the drop off zone, he parked, and helped the girls unload. Kelsi hugged him, kissed his cheek and said "See you soon dad, love you." He said, "I love you, call daily", she replied, "I promise." Then she and Jamie headed into the airport, he watched her until she disappeared.

Had she only known how much that morning would change her life, maybe she wouldn't have been excited, but she didn't, because that is how life works.

Kelsi and Jamie were finally on their last and longest flight, 8 hours until they would touchdown at Heathrow, their first two days would be spent in London, where Jamie's aunt and uncle had a flat. Then they would travel by train to Bristol. She tried to fall asleep to make the time pass quickly, but she was feeling too excitedly nervous. She was missing her parents, and regretted not having a chance to call between flights. Kelsi tried to console herself by telling herself that they knew how quick the turnaround was, but she couldn't turn off this nagging feeling that something wasn't right. Jamie had fallen asleep in the seat next to her so she couldn't even talk with her. She decided to see what inflight movies there were, hoping watching something would distract her.

Kelsi awoke with a start, she wasn't sure how long she had been sleeping, and at first she wasn't sure where she was. After the initial post sleep confusion wore off she remembered she was on the plane to England. The movie she had selected had ended and she could see the flight attendants coming up the aisle with a meal. Jamie was still asleep, but Kelsi thought she should wake her to see if she wanted to eat. She shook Jamie to wake her, "Jamie they're about to bring our meal," she said as she gently shook her friend. Jamie didn't respond, Kelsi shook her a bit harder, still no response. Panic started to rise in Kelsi, why wasn't Jamie responding she wondered, this time she shook her harder and nearly yelled trying to rouse her friend. Jamie made a sound and moved, Kelsi's heart rate lowered, but her face must have still held a panic stricken look, because Jamie looked concerned when their eyes met.

"Are you okay Kelsi?," Jamie asked.

"Yes I'm fine, but I was worried you weren't, I couldn't wake you up, I tried several times gently but when that didn't work I shook you hard and nearly yelled," explained Kelsi.

"I'm so sorry I scared you, I forgot to tell you that flying these long flights I always take dramamine, and it knocks me out. I didn't mean to scare you, is that all that is on your mind?", Jamie asked.

Kelsi thought for a moment, she debated telling Jamie that she had been worried earlier, but she wasn't sure why she had, so she said, "Yeah, it just freaked me out, I'm glad you're okay."

The rest of the flight was uneventful and when the pilot announced that they would begin their descent into Heathrow the excitement was back, she was tired but knew that she wouldn't be able to sleep when they got to the flat, so they decided they would get settled then head out to explore the city. She knew that it was going to be a rush after they de-boarded the plane, found their checked bags, went through customs and caught the train to Paddington, and from there the tube to Kings Cross. Calling home would have to wait, her phone needed a charge, since it was 7 AM that meant it was midnight back home.

Kelsi was glad that this wasn't Jamie's first time in London, finding their way to the flat would have been impossible without Jamie knowing the way. From Kings Cross to the flat was confusing to Kelsi. When they got into the flat Jamie showed Kelsi around, it was a two bedroom, two bath, modernly decorated flat, Jamie explained that they rented it out on Airbnb for most of the year. They had lived there for 10 years, before moving to Bristol, and not wanting to sell, they rented it out and paid a friend to take care of it. The girls showered and ate, by the time they were ready to go it was 1 PM, and Kelsi still hadn't called home.

She grabbed her phone off the charger, turned it on, and saw immediately there were missed calls and texts from her mom. Unlocking her phone she clicked on the text notifications opening the messages.

"Kels, please call me asap", the first one read. An hour later, "I know your plane hasn't landed yet, but please Kels call asap." Then, "I'm worried Kels, you should be there by now, I hope you are okay." The remaining messages were similar, her mom tended to worry, Kelsi decided that she needed to call her quickly, to calm her nerves.

The phone rang without answer, her mom should be awake and near her phone, it was weird that she wasn't answering especially after her insistent texts and calls. Her mom's voice-mail picked up, Kelsi waited for it to begin recording, "Hey mom, sorry I didn't call earlier my phone was dead and I had to charge it. Jamie and I made it to the flat, we are now going to explore a bit. I love and miss you, talk soon!"

"Did you call your parents?," Kelsi asked Jamie.

"Yeah, while you were in the shower, they were glad to hear we made it safely. How are your parents doing?," Jamie asked.

"Weirdly my mom didn't answer, especially after all her texts and calls it was very suprising. Maybe she is still asleep, those messages she sent me were sent pretty late last night, maybe she's just sleeping in." Kelsi explained. "I'll try again later, let's go explore!"

The girls made their way to Tower Bridge on the bus, they figured they could walk along the Thames from there and see the sights near the river. Kelsi was in awe of the mixture of old and new in London, it was so different from her home, she didn't know what to look at, she was taking pictures of everything, Jamie was less awestruck since it wasn't her first time, but some of Kelsi's excitement was wearing off on her. Both girls completely forgot about checking in again with their parents until they returned to the flat. It was weird to Kelsi that she hadn't missed any calls, but then she thought maybe her mom was worried about incurring extra charges for calling Kelsi.

She pressed the call button, two rings in her mom picked up, "Kels, oh thank goodness you called I've been sick with worry. Why didn't you try again earlier?," her mom scolded.

"Sorry mom, Jamie and I were just having so much fun and we lost track of the time. How are you guys doing?," Kelsi asked.

There was a moment of silence on her mom's end of the line, it was a heavy silence, and it concerned Kelsi, the feeling she had had on the plane returned. She knew that something wasn't right, and that her mom was getting ready to break some awful news.

"Mom, what is it? Something happened didn't it, please tell me mom," she pleaded.

"Kels, I didn't want to worry you when I called and texted earlier, I know you have been looking forward to this trip for awhile and I didn't want to ruin it, but yes there is something awful that I have to tell you. It's about your dad, honey please tell me you're sitting down," her mom said concerned.

Kelsi's mind was racing, her heart pounding so loudly, she was glad that she was sitting. She knew in her heart something terrible had happened to him, she had felt it all those hours ago. Her world was about to change forever and she wasn't ready for it. Her mouth was dry and she couldn't speak to ask her mom what had happened.

On the other end of the line her mom spoke again, "Babe, your dad went to the hospital yesterday after he dropped you off at the airport, he hasn't been feeling himself for awhile. I don't think you noticed, he has been hiding it from you, he didn't want to ruin your summer plans, so he scheduled an appointment for the day you left, he wanted some time to process whatever they told him with you far away," there was a shaking in her mom's voice, Kelsi could tell she was on the verge of crying. At the beginning of their call she had thought her mom was worried because Kelsi hadn't called, but now she knew it was more serious.

"Mom, what is it, what is wrong with dad? Why did he wait to go in if he hasn't been feeling well? Is he dying? Do I need to come back home?," the questions were flowing out faster than her heart was racing.

Her mom broke in and said, "It's cancer Kelsi, it's a very aggressive form that has made its way throughout his entire body, they said he has between 3 months and a year to live depending on what treatment he decides to undergo. We have been discussing his options with the doctors and specialists. Hun, he doesn't want to do the aggressive treatments, he doesn't want to feel even worse in the time he has left. He didn't even want me to tell you any of this, he just wanted you to enjoy your time there and not worry about him. Kelsi, please don't tell him I told you," her mom sounded overwhelmed with guilt.

Kelsi was in absolute shock, she didn't know what to say or do, how was she meant to enjoy her time there knowing that her dad was so close to death. How was she going to keep it a secret between her and her mom when she talked to her dad on the phone? This was far too much to take in and the jet lag was setting in on top of the weight of this news. She sat there in stunned silence, it was broken by her mom's voice.

"I knew I shouldn't have told you Kels, but I couldn't keep it from you," her mom apologized.

"No mom, it's better that you did. I just don't know how I will enjoy this trip knowing dad is suffering and not being able to even talk with him about it, that's just a lot to take in," Kelsi admitted to her mom.

"Yes it is babe, I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked you to keep it a secret that I told you, forget about that, if you want to talk to your dad about it, then do, he will understand," she said.

"How are you doing mom, I know this must be killing you, sorry I'm not there with you to support you," Kelsi said.

"I'm hanging on babe, it's been a long 24 hours, and it's going to be a difficult year, but I do want you to enjoy your trip, have some fun for your dad," her mom ended on a forced bright tone.

"I'll try to mom, but I will be calling every day, I want you to keep me posted as well, promise," Kelsi begged.

"I will sweety, we love and miss you," her mom was crying now, Kelsi could hear it in her voice.

"I love you guys and I miss you more than anything," she said and meant it more than she ever had.

"I better let you go, this call is going to cost a fortune," her mom said.

"Okay mom," Kelsi replied.

The phone line went dead, and Kelsi couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Jamie had been quietly watching and listening from the chair across from Kelsi.

"Kels, what's wrong, what happened to your dad?," Jamie asked concerned.

Between sobs Kelsi told her what her mom had said, Jamie had moved over to the couch next to Kelsi and was hugging her tightly letting Kelsi cry into her shoulder. There was nothing she could think to say that could ease her friend's pain, so she just let her cry until exhaustion overtook Kelsi. Jamie laid her down and covered her with a blanket, letting her sleep. In the morning she would ask her what she wanted to do.

The next morning Kelsi awoke to the sounds of traffic, and the memories of her call with her mom flooded back. She picked up her phone and called her dad, she couldn't go any longer without talking to him. He picked up the phone sounding tired, "Hey Kels, I'm glad you called. How was your first day in London?," he asked.

Kelsi was still trying to decide if she should ask him about what the doctor said, but since he hadn't mentioned anything she decided not to. "It was fun, we explored the waterfront, rode the London Eye, it's all a bit of a blur, I didn't sleep well on the plane, the jet lag really got me last night. Did mom tell you we talked last night?," Kelsi thought that was the best way to see if she had told him.

"Yes she did, sorry I wasn't home when you called. I'm glad you had a good first day, you are going to have such a great time there," he said.

From his response she knew her mom hadn't said anything to him, and Kelsi decided she couldn't either, he seemed happy that she was getting a chance to experience England and for him she would try to have a good trip.

"I love you dad, I know it's late there so I won't keep you on the phone, I just wanted to hear your voice, I miss you," she said holding back tears.

"Okay Kels, love you too, have fun, see you soon, bye," he said.

For the next two weeks she tried to have a good time, and Jamie tried to cheer her up, but it just wasn't working. It was far too difficult to really enjoy herself knowing her dad had so little time left. She was glad to be going home, but also nervous, she didn't want to see her dad's health deteriorate and since he chose to have no treatments, she knew it would happen rapidly....

Which brings us back to the morning Kelsi had been dreading for months, the day her dad would be laid to rest. Those last months of his life they had tried to live normally and also to keep him in as good of spirits as possible but his body shutdown more and more each day and it got to the point where she couldn't handle seeing him so weak. So, she had spent more and more time in her room and less and less at his side, she preferred to text him, in texts she didn't have to see or hear his pain. Kelsi felt bad that she wasn't stronger and hadn't been there for her mom, who had taken a leave of absence from her work for the last month to spend it with him, and that is when Kelsi really retreated into her own space.

She had to be there for her mom today and going forward, or she knew her mom would collapse in on herself. Just like that fateful morning months ago, her clothes were laid out on her chair, except this time it was a black dress and flats. Kelsi got up, and went through the motions of getting ready, then went and woke her mom up and helped her get ready for the funeral. The day was a blur of tear filled eyes, condolences and faces, but the emptiness was heavy on her heart. When all the mourners had left that evening, Kelsi and her mom went and sat on the back porch wrapped in her dad's favorite blanket and watched as the sun set.