Stay With Me

  Snow fell outside the window of the busy mountain town cafe, adding another layer to the inches accumulated the previous day. The sidewalks outside the cafe were trodden by hurried feet, all rushing toward the gift shops lining the street. The sound of customers picking up and putting their coffee cups onto their ceramic saucers filled the air, and the delicious smells of holiday drinks would have put anyone in a cozy holiday mood.

Benjamin sat alone in the corner, focused on his computer screen, which had windows open related to his schedule, clients, and market trends. The only items in his existence were himself, his computer, and his dark roast coffee. While everyone else was concerned about the holidays and sparing any moment they could with their families and loved ones, Benjamin remained in his world of finance.  

He felt like he had been woken up from a deep sleep by a familiar voice. “Hello, Ben,” she said. He looked up and saw a ghost from his past that he never imagined he would ever see again. His long-time ex-wife stood before him, her silky, golden blond hair resting on her shoulders. But something looked different about it… The shade was different than he remembered and shinier than he had ever seen it. Her green eyes sparkled with familiarity as she curved her lips into a warm and inviting smile, the same smile that Ben used to dream of every day. 

“Emma,” was all he could get out for a moment. It was as if he had forgotten how to speak.

“May I sit?” she asked, still smiling. All Ben could do was nod and gesture for her to take a seat. When Emma sat down, he observed something about her appearance that he didn’t notice before. Her face appeared paler than the last time he had seen her. Her lips, which he remembered to have a beautiful rosy pink tint, were lighter and slightly gray. He wasn’t sure if there was anything to be concerned about, but something in his gut told him that he needed to bring his mind out of his work for at least a few minutes. His hands trembled, and his heart began to race. He rolled his shoulders back and cleared his throat, trying to shake the weight off his shoulders. 

“So…” he hesitated. “How have you been?” 

Emma nodded and sighed. “I’ve been doing alright,” she said, her tone slightly higher, as if she wasn’t ready to get into it. “What about you? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you up here.”

“Yeah, it has been a while. I thought you moved?” Ben asked. 

“I did, for a little bit. I moved back recently,” she replied. “What about you?”

“Yeah, I have a client up here,” he said, nervously sipping his coffee. 

“Is your business doing well?” She asked. Her smile remained warm and comforting, making Ben feel a little more relaxed yet slightly confused. Did she not have hard feelings? 

“Yeah, it is,” he said as he relaxed his shoulders slightly, his tone softened. “What’s new with you, Emma?” 

Emma pausedt. “Well, after we went our separate ways, I moved back home to be with my mom for a couple of years,” she took a sip of her coffee. “After a while, I started to miss this place. I felt like I needed to come back,” she smiled, the nostalgia twinkling in her eyes. The longer Ben looked into them, the more he noticed the bags underneath that she had tried to cover with light makeup. Something was nagging at him, making him believe something wasn’t right.  

“I did miss the beauty up here,” he remarked, feeling slightly more relaxed the longer they talked. His gaze moved down as he considered being a little more vulnerable. There weren’t many people he knew he could talk to and would listen. “I don’t know. I guess it was harder to come back at this time of year.” His voice had become quieter. He glanced back upwards. Emma nodded. 

“I know what you mean. Christmas up here used to be so magical,” she said fondly. Ben nodded, then stared at his hands, fiddling with his coffee cup. 

“I guess I thought it might feel the same coming back,” he said, tracing the edge of the cup with his thumb. “But it doesn’t. I think that’s what’s hard. It doesn’t feel as magical this time around.” He looked up at Emma, who was fixated on the view outside the window. 

After a beat of quiet reflection, she giggled and met Ben’s gaze. “Remember our first Christmas up here?” Ben laughed a little and shook his head. 

“My first real winter,” he said. “I had never seen snow before in my life.”

“Or black ice,” she laughed. Her happiness felt more and more contagious. Before Ben knew it, he was laughing along with her. 

“I landed flat on my ass, and all you could do was stand there and laugh at me.”

“Now, to be fair, I did try to help! I just fell too.” She blushed as she tilted her head down and looked at the table. After a moment of gathering herself, she glanced back upwards at Ben.  “You know, that was also when we had our first kiss,” she said, tucking her hair behind her ear. Ben looked down, ashamed of what he had let go. He laughed softly, but it didn’t do much to cover the pain that he was trying to hold back. 

“I was admittedly terrible with handling the snow and ice that day. But the kiss…” he looked back up at Emma, whose eyes had become slightly glassy. His voice softened more. “Yeah, that I will never forget.” His eyes lingered on her longer than he expected. 

“Me neither,” Emma’s voice cracked slightly as she spoke. She nodded as a tear fell from her eye. She quickly wiped it away with her hand and cleared her throat. “So, what are your plans for tomorrow?” Ben sighed at the quick shift in the conversation.

“Oh, you know me. Even Christmas doesn’t stop me from working,” he said, leaning over on the table, giving his laptop a sideways glance. “I’m flying home tonight and meeting a client tomorrow evening.” He looked back up at Emma, who began swaying in her chair, and he noticed beads of sweat wanting to drop from her hairline. He felt his stomach churn and his heart pound as he felt something was wrong. “Emma, are you alright?” he asked. 

She shook her head and blinked as if trying to snap back to reality from a daydream. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” she responded with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m sorry, you were saying you’re leaving tomorrow morning?” she asked, wiping her forehead with a napkin. Ben hesitated. “Um, yeah. Are you sure you’re okay?” he said, ready to stand up. All Emma could do was nod. Her breathing had become more labored. 

“Yeah, I’m okay. I just… I just need to go to the bathroom,” she said as she pushed herself up from her chair, her arms and legs trembling under her weight. The chair and table wobbled, spilling their coffees onto the table, soaking Ben’s laptop. Ben shot up from his chair as Emma collapsed to the floor.

“Emma!” he shouted. He fell to his knees and picked her up in his arms. As he cradled Emma’s head, shock radiated through his body when the wig she had been wearing fell to the floor, exposing her bare scalp that she had hidden from him so well. Patrons from neighboring tables had slowly made their way toward the pair. “Someone call 911!” he yelled. 

Ben paced the hospital hallway, frustrated when he heard the voicemail answer again.

“Hey Laura, it’s Ben again. I know it’s been a while, but this is important. Please call me back as soon as possible, it’s about your daughter. Thanks, bye.” He hung up the phone, turned around, and headed back into Emma’s room. 

A soft light emanated from above the hospital bed. Emma rested on the bed, her hands placed on her stomach. The woman laying in the hospital bed was in stark contrast to the vibrant, smiling woman that Ben encountered in the cafe that morning. Her bald head reflected the yellow glow of the light above her.

“Hey,” he said, trying not to startle her. She grinned when he crossed the threshold. 

“Hi,” she said, her voice weaker and more cracked than that morning. Without thinking, Ben reached for Emma’s hand. Upon realizing what he’d done, he quickly retracted. 

“Sorry,” he said.

“No, it’s okay.” Emma reached her hand back out. Ben smiled a little and placed his hand on hers. It felt fragile and cold. 

“I tried calling your mom. I haven’t had any luck,” he said. She looked up at the ceiling, her eyes getting watery. She shook her head. 

“My mom is dead, Ben. She died a few months ago.” Her voice remained remarkably calm but hushed. Ben felt his heart break. He looked down, trying to find the strength to hold it all together for Emma. He knew that her mother was all she had. 

“Emma, I’m so sorry,” Ben replied with a lump in his throat. Emma took a deep breath and gathered herself before speaking up again. 

“I wasn’t going to tell you this…” she hesitated and looked up, trying to search for her words. Ben’s mind was racing, trying to piece together her news before it came out of her mouth. He couldn’t handle the anticipation anymore. Part of him felt he already knew based on his observations in the cafe that morning. “I have terminal cancer.” She said it so quietly, almost in a whisper. Ben suddenly found it harder to breathe. He felt her words weigh on his heart like a pile of cement blocks. She drew another shaky breath, then spoke up again. “The doctors offered treatment that might give me a little more time, but I’m tired Ben…” she trailed off as Ben bowed his head. He continued to rub her hand to comfort her, but his gesture didn’t feel helpful to him as he drowned in his grief. “I’ve been put on hospice. I think it’s time,” she finished. The bed vibrated with Ben’s sobs, and although she was trying to remain strong, she couldn’t help but begin to tear up. She leaned into him and rubbed his back. 

All the regret that Ben had been suppressing after all those years had resurfaced. All he could think about was the day that he left her…

“Ben, please don’t go…” she begged and sobbed as he reached for the door handle, his suitcase in hand. He released an exasperated sigh, leaned his head back, and turned around to face her. Her face had become red and swollen, and her breathing was more labored. 

“I don’t know what you want me to do, Em. If I miss this meeting, we lose all of this.” He looked around to point out the extravagant, enormous home he worked for years to get for them. 

“I never wanted any of this, Ben! The only thing I ever wanted was you!” she cried. Ben looked down, trying to avoid eye contact. He already knew his decision. He just didn’t want to have to say it out loud. “Stay with me…”

Her words from the past echoed in his head as he spoke up. “I’m staying,” he said, his tone firm and definite. Emma closed her eyes and shook her head. 

“I can’t live out my final days in peace knowing that I was the reason you lost something important to you,” she said. Ben shook his head and was about to speak up before she squeezed his hand. “Ben, it’s okay,” she caressed his face and wiped away the tear rolling down his cheek. “I’ve made my peace with this. I want you to go.” She smiled, but Ben could still feel her sorrow. 

He looked up and took one last look at her face. He grabbed the door handle without a second thought and exited the house, closing the door on the one person he thought would support him through anything. As he walked away, the cries of his broken-hearted wife filled the cold winter air. He walked out to his car, placed the suitcase in his trunk, and drove off, his married life fading away in the rearview mirror. 

Ben found himself in his rental car, leaning against the steering wheel. He felt his commitment to work pulling him towards the airport, but his love for Emma kept him anchored to the hospital. If he didn’t leave for the airport now, he knew the holiday traffic would put him so far behind that he’d miss his flight. 

He’d made his decision. He sat up, turned the car over, and made his way out of the parking lot. 

When Ben exited the car, he realized he had parked in two spots, but his mind wasn’t fixing his careless parking job. He fumbled as he grabbed a large bag, then got out of the car and ran as fast as he could to the entrance. He made it to the elevator, frantically pressing the button. Finally, the doors opened and he rushed in. He pushed the button for the floor he needed and impatiently waited as the elevator slowly moved to its destination. When the doors opened again, he ran down the hall and reached the door to the room that he left only a couple of hours before. Hands trembling, he grabbed the handle. He walked through the door and pushed aside the curtains, expecting to see Emma’s relentlessly cheerful face smiling at his presence.

Instead, he found Emma peacefully sleeping with her hands at her side, paler than he had ever seen her. The TV had been turned off, and the lights had been dimmed, her favorite Christmas music playing in the background. The hospice nurse was by her bedside, pulling out Emma’s IV. She looked up and noticed Ben standing out of breath by the door. 

“Mr. Cross?” she asked. 

Ben nodded. “Yes,” he said, stepping closer to the bed. “How is she?” he asked. The nurse sighed and looked down at Emma, then back at Ben. 

“I don’t think she has much longer,” she whispered. Ben’s worst fear of being too late had come to reality. He still hadn’t caught his breath from running from his car, but the news had made the air too thin. He found himself trying to catch his breath and sat in the chair next to her bed. He reached for Emma’s hand, which felt much colder than when he held it earlier. He felt the hand of the hospice nurse begin to rub his shoulder, and she spoke up again. “She told me that if you came back, you’d be welcome to stay.” Ben closed his eyes and nodded, unsure what else to say to her. “I’ll leave you two alone. Just call me in if you need me.” 

Her footsteps were almost silent as she made her way to the door. The latch on the door clicked, and Ben allowed himself to cry harder than he had cried before. He laid his head on the bed and grasped Emma’s hand, which remained limp. He couldn’t help but wonder if she even knew he was there… Regardless, he wouldn’t let her leave without telling her what he knew she needed to hear. 

“I’m so sorry, Emma… I should never have left you. I let myself change and become obsessed with material things when I should have been focused on us,” he wept. He looked at Emma, hoping that she would wake up. Her chest heaved with every labored breath, and Ben knew she only had a few left. He leaned over, grabbed the bag, and pulled out a small, pre-lit Christmas tree. He got up and placed it on her bedside table. “I wasn’t going to leave you this time. I couldn’t let you leave this world alone on Christmas.” He flipped the switch on the tree, illuminating the room with soft, white twinkling lights. He reached back into the bag and grabbed a small box wrapped in a bow. “I went back to that small jeweler’s store in town that made your wedding band, and wouldn’t you know, he had one available,” he chuckled a little, even though his eyes were drowning in tears. 

He pulled the ring out of the box, and the simple, diamond-studded ring glimmered in the twinkling light of the small tree. He tenderly grabbed her left hand, which felt so frail that he was afraid he might hurt her. He slipped the ring on her finger and was suddenly reminded how sick she was when the size six ring slipped right on with plenty of wiggle room. He looked back up at Emma, and his heart broke further when he observed her chest, still heaving. Her eyes remained closed and still. He hung his head, then slipped his hand in his pocket to pull out a simple gold band, which he slipped on his finger. 

“I know this isn’t a proper ceremony by any stretch of means. But you deserve to feel loved as you leave Earth,” he whispered, holding her hand. “And I love you, Emma.”

He touched her left hand with his, hoping she might feel the symbol of his commitment to her. Ben wasn’t sure he heard anything he said. He laid his head on her body, listening to her lungs as they brought in the last few breaths that were giving Emma life. Right before she took her last breath, Ben felt her left hand gently squeeze his fingers.