The Seizure

I don't remember what was on TV that night. I sat in my recliner with my computer on a tray over my lap. I looked over at the window, and reality fractured. I saw the moments of my life, like playing cards scattered into the air around me. They jostled and overlapped like pieces of glass in a kaleidoscope. I stared, entranced, and then realized I could sort through them.  

As I watched, a moment would come closer, and then another would jostle it out of place and become clear. I tried to get a grip on reality, and instead I saw every single moment I had ever spent in that living room.  

Instances of myself filled the room, standing, sitting, walking, talking, reading, watching TV. I tried to talk to my youngest child, who sat directly in front of me, but they weren't reacting. I looked at them and tried over and over to get their attention, but I got none. Then I blinked and they were gone.  

"Aelon?" I called out. There was no answer. I swept my computer aside and stood up as it was hitting the floor. The tray fell over and crashed to the ground. I battled through the hundreds of 'selfs' that surrounded me and ran face first into the wall.  

"Mom?" The voice was muffled. 

"Where are you? I can't see you. I don't know what's real." 

I stumbled through the living room and down the hallway. I crashed into the bathroom door and shouted "Help me!" 

The door burst open and my child stood there. I collapsed into their chest, sobbing. "Help me, I think I'm dying." 

My legs went out from under me but Aelon held tight to me and lowered me slowly to the floor. We sat together against the wall. The world spun around and then blinked out.  

I died. I felt my spirit separate from my body and I saw myself lying on the floor as I flew away into another place. I was at peace.  

I opened my eyes and I was in a hospital. People were hovering over me, some with needles, and some trying to tell me things. I blinked, and fought them off. I didn't know any of them and I was afraid.  

I pushed them away and got off of the bed. There were hands everywhere, grasping me. I screamed for Aelon, but they weren't there.  

The world faded out again, and when I opened my eyes, I was staring at the other side of the hallway. There was a wall plug in front of me, but I couldn't think of the word for outlet. I couldn't think in words at all. I realized that I couldn't communicate, because I didn't know any words. A cold cloth pressed to my forehead and the world went black.  

There were people in hospital clothes bent over me. One of them was trying to jab me with a big needle. I realized that this was a psych ward. I fought them, screaming, "You don't understand, this is not who I am." 

As I struggled and fought against that nightmare reality, it was overlaid by the hallway. I still could not think of the names for things as I watched myself struggling against the doctors who were trying to hurt me. I fought and cried and Aelon held me tightly to their chest.  

As the dream image of the hospital faded away, I saw the hallway and everything in it as if I were seeing it for the first time. The words came to me, slowly, as if I was learning the language all over again, one sound at a time.  

I blinked fiercely, rubbing my eyes and sat up. I felt disconnected, like I was seeing myself from outside of myself. It was like living in someone else's body. 

My dogs, and two of my kids were there beside me. Aelon, and my middle daughter, Dani, were talking to my eldest daughter on the phone. They were trying to figure out what to do.  

My son in law made toast. I said, "Do I smell burning toast?" And they all laughed in relief that I seemed to be fully conscious again. 

My nephew tried to give me some water, but I waved it away. I was still feeling too dreamy to respond to their questions as I came back into my body. My nephew said, "Should I poke her?" I laughed and said, "Oh my God, don't poke me, what are you thinking?" 

The dog licked me in the face. I sat there for quite a long while, as the words came back into my mind like flashcards dropped one at a time on a table.  

I stood up and went back to my chair. The laptop sat in its spot on the tray as if nothing had happened. I drank some water and ate a piece of toast.  

It was days before I felt 'normal' again. I had huge holes in my memory where words should have been. It was disconcerting, looking at a familiar object or face and not knowing the right name of it. 

Here's what the kids saw:  

I was sitting in the living room watching TV, writing on my laptop as I often do in the evening. Dani and her boyfriend, and my nephew, were outside. Aelon was in the bathroom.  

I started talking to the empty room, demanding that it answer me. Aelon assumed I was talking to the dog and didn't think twice about it. When I called out their name and then there was a loud crash, they became concerned. When I ran into the wall and shouted for help, they panicked.  

When I banged on the bathroom door, they opened it and grabbed onto me as I lost consciousness, muttering something about dying. I began to have convulsions. I was experiencing a full blown grand mal epileptic seizure for the first time in decades.  

Aelon shouted and the other kids came inside. It was a terrifying sight, me on the floor having a seizure, Aelon trying to stop me from hurting myself as I flopped around. None of them had ever seen a grand mal seizure before.  

Then, I laughed and said, "Do I smell burning toast?"  

The whole thing lasted about twenty minutes. It was the weirdest experience of my life.