A mother's thoughts

      Jenny leaned against the doorway leading to the kitchen, lost in thought as she looked at her son, Lex. His name is Alexander, but he shortened it to Lex when he was twelve.

“It just sounds smarter than Alexander.” Lex told his parents; they agreed and began using the new nickname.

As Jenny gazed at Lex, she began to reminisce about the pains she had seen Lex through. In two months, he will be 22. He was such a painful birth. She remembered her mother and friends tell her that she will forget all the pain she goes through having him once she lays eyes on him.

She wondered if any of them had to go through a breach birth. Her doctor had failed to diagnose the breach until her water had broken and she was in the hospital with her knees up to her ears.

“We can do, we can do it.” The doctor kept saying to her.

“Just get it out.” Is all she could say back between deep breaths. The doctor was able to deliver Lex, but then alerted the nurse that she had immediately cut the umbilical cord, because it had become wrapped around his neck, and he was turning blue. The doctor cut the cord and after a few, exceptionally long seconds he began to breathe on his own.

Ted had so looked forward to being able to cut the cord and have a part in the birth of his son.

She did not forget the pain she had suffered for the last 13 hours when she looked at Lex for the first time, but she did fall deeper in love with him.

Jenny could only imagine the pain and suffering Lex experienced through his first days in the hospital. No longer in the warm comfortable womb but in the cold world. Now being stuck with needles, having the foreskin snipped off his little manhood. She vowed that she would take care of him and do her best to keep him from any harm.

She was able to do as she promised to protect Lex, until it came to his first day of school. She walked him down to the bus stop, took his photo. Then waved and smiled as the bus took him away. She was cordial to the other parents at the bus stop but as she walked up her driveway, her hand went to her throat as the tears began to stream down her face as a sob escaped. Later that day she was sure she was just as excited to see him return as he was leaving for school.

She recalled the next time she felt pain from Lex, was when he was in the fifth grade. It was Valentine’s Day; he had bought a special little stuffed doll for the girl he had a crush on in his class. She cried along with him as he recited how the girl laughed and refused to take his gift. She did as any mother would and comforted him, telling him that there would be other more important girls in his life and not to worry about this one.

Secretly, she wanted to go to the school and embarrass the girl as much as she had embarrassed her son. But she held that wish in and did not go to school.

Her next painful memory was the day he left for college. Not the college in town but one across the country. She recalled crying for most of that day until he called her from the airport saying he arrived and was fine.

When he finally came home for winter break, she was so happy to have him back in the house. The only thing he wanted to talk about was this new girl he met in his business class. It took him two days to get up the courage to tell her she was coming to visit them over the weekend. Jenny put her hand to her throat, to hold back the tears and sobs, then told him that would be fine. But he would have to sleep in the den on the couch while she was here. The visit with Jan went okay, she and Jenny got along very well together. Three months later Lex would call and inform Jenny that he and Jan had gotten married. They had taken a drive one weekend and came across a beautiful little church, on a whim them went in and spoke to the priest who agreed to marry them right then.

Jenny nearly fell out of her chair when he told her that. Her hand went to her throat, unsuccessfully holding back the tears. Ted took the phone and congratulated his son, he then suggested that when they come home, they could have a nice reception for the two of them. After hanging up with Lex Jenny asked when they would come home so she could start planning the reception.

Ted looked at her and put his hand on her shoulder, “He is not sure when they can come home. They are both starting an internship over the next quarter and if goes well he hopes to be offered a position at the company.

She was sure he was making an unbelievably wrong decision, but he lived so far away, what could she do? She and Ted did not have enough money to fly out there and with Ted’s bad back driving that far was out of the question. That night in bed, she cried herself to sleep.

Two years later, standing in the kitchen doorway, watching her son play video games, she knew he was in terrible pain. The death of a parent is an extremely hard thing for a child to go through. She could feel his pain, his anguish, his sorrow. She put her hand to her throat and walked back to the sink and looked at her reflection in the window, above the sink.

Under the blue and white valance, her reflection looked pale, she still had tomato sauce on her hands that has now spread to the collar of her shirt and neck. She looked away from her reflection in the window and began to wipe her hands on her apron.

As she did this, she heard a knock on the front door. She heard Lex pause the game he was playing and go to the front door.

“What are you doing here” Lex said.

From her spot in the kitchen sink she could hear an older male voice respond. “We need to speak with you. May we come in?”

A female’s voice spoke up stating they had a search warrant to search his room and the entire house.”

Jenny’s first thought was she had wished the house were cleaner.

“You can’t search here; this isn’t my house.” Lex snapped at them.”

Jenny turned away from her reflection in the window and looked at the kitchen doorway at the tone of Lex’s voice.

“Officers, place Mr. Huges under arrest.” The older voice commanded.

The sounds of shuffling feet, thumps and grunts could be heard coming from the front foyer.

“Why are you doing this to me?” Demanded Lex. “Stop your hurting my arms.”

“Poor baby.” A different male voice spoke up.

“You don’t have to do this” pleaded Lex.

“I bet you poor mother said that when you nearly sliced her throat.” The female shot back.

Jenny’s hand went to her throat, what did that woman say?

Am I,

Jenny thought as she turned back to the sink,

dead?

She glanced into the window again, below the white valance she could no longer see her reflection.