Losing Weight

I think I finally need to stop this, I thought to myself as I sat down the toast. I stared at my half full plate of toast, eggs, bacon, and grits. I had already eaten a yogurt and some sausage. Was I still hungry? Yes, but I know if I eat all of it I’ll just feel bad about myself. But then, a few hours later, I know I’ll fill up on a plate of food and then feel bad that I ate so much. Lather, rinse, repeat. I feel like my life revolves around food. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. I have a messed up relationship with food. I can’t remember when it started. Maybe when I was a kid? I know I remember I started gaining some serious weight when I was about 10. I think I was about 70 pounds when I was that age. Then when I turned eleven my weight skyrocketed to 115. I can look back at family/school pictures that year and I feel so disgusted with myself. Ever since then, it’s all gone downhill from there. Every year I probably gained 30 pounds until I became an adult. I never thought I would hit over 300 pounds, but I did over a few years ago. It's made my life so much harder. I can't go up the stairs without being short of breath. I have frequent back pain. I have heartburn all of the time. I know all of these issues were caused by my weight. They’re a damn nuisance. But I know I have to lose the weight before they’ll go away. I have to lose this weight before I lose my life. I was always told that I was beautiful as a kid–but I don’t think that of myself anymore. I feel like this weight has clouded the view of myself. I want to feel good again. I want to feel happy and self confident. I’m hoping that by losing weight it will help. I threw my plate of breakfast into the trash. I know it’s wasteful. I think that’s part of my problem too. I always feel wasteful if I don’t eat anything. I loaded the dishwasher. As I leaned over to start the dishwasher, my mom walked into the kitchen. As she grabbed some ice water from the fridge, she said to me, “Hey baby, did you finish your breakfast already?” I didn’t want to tell her I threw half of it out. But I also didn’t want to tell her I wasn't hungry (because that was a lie). 

So, I just simply said, “Yeah I did!”

 “Awww good!” she kissed me on my head and walked back into her home office, ready to start work. She works as an administrative assistant three days a week from the office and two days from home. I work at Publix as a stocker, but today is my off day. I had no plans, really. Do some laundry and maybe read, that was about it. I went upstairs to watch some Netflix. All comfy on my bed, I looked over at my desk and saw some Lay’s barbeque chips. I hesitated, but then I decided to grab it. I popped it right open and dug in.

Two episodes into the latest season of Love is Blind, I looked down into the bag to see crumbs. Crumbs? What the hell? Did I really just eat a whole bag of chips? I was so mad at myself. I felt like straight up shit. Now I have to skip lunch, I thought. But if I do, Mom will notice. Ugh, why can’t I stop thinking about food? Maybe a walk will help. I decided to put on my black Nikes and go for a walk in the neighborhood. As I stepped outside, I felt a cool breeze through my hair. The sun was high in the sky. I walked for about 20 minutes and made it once around my neighborhood. As I headed back to my house, I started to get short of breath. My back was killing me. It felt like someone was stabbing me. I felt super dizzy all of a sudden. I decided to sit on the curb. As I sat there for a few minutes, my heart rate started to increase. It felt like it was pounding through my chest. I checked it on my Apple watch. It said 145. That sent me into a frenzy. It felt harder to breathe and my chest started to feel tight. I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to call 911.

“911, what’s your emergency?” the lady on the other end said.

“I-I-I might be having a heart attack,” I told her. She asked me what my symptoms were, and I told them to her. She told me to try to remain calm and stay there on the curb. About five minutes later, I saw an ambulance drive up. 3 EMTs got out. They rushed over to me and asked me what was going on. I described to them everything I was feeling, including the heart palpitations. They took my blood pressure, oxygen, temperature, and did an EKG on me.

 “Well, you’re not having a heart attack, thank goodness,” the male EMT said. At this point, my mom came running over. 

“Baby, are you okay?” I heard the ambulance.

 “I think she just had a panic attack, Mom,” the lady EMT with red hair said. A look of relief came over my mom’s face. “So, your heart rate has come down a lot,” the woman said. “Try to take some deep breaths, that will help.” I breathed in and out rhythmically. The EMTs advised me on some anxiety techniques, like deep breathing, and then cleared me to go. 

As Mom and I walked back to the house, she said, “What happened, baby?” I told her I had gone on a walk and started having all of those symptoms. I told her I felt like they were related to my weight, and I was so sick of it. She was quiet all the way to the house, just nodding along, listening. 

At the end, she said, “Have you thought about making some lifestyle changes? I can help you.”

 I said, “Yeah, I really have. I want to so badly.” 

“We can look into getting you a personal trainer. And maybe consult with a dietitian.”

 “Oh yes, please, Mom, I would really appreciate that.” I could feel it in my bones. I was going to change for the better and kick my addiction to food. I was determined.