Nothing To Fear My Dear

Contains language usage.

I was terrified. I had never seen my dad so helpless. I felt a wave of terror wash over me when I saw the pain in his eyes. I had never experienced such intense fear before. I was frozen in place, unable to move or speak. I was scared of what might happen next, to my dad. There was a part of me that wanted to help him, but I was too overwhelmed and too scared to do anything to help him. I saw the light dwindle out of his eyes and my heart sank. He seemed to have given up hope, and I felt helpless and powerless to do anything about it. That was the first time I had seen my dad in such pain and it was the most heartbreaking thing I had ever seen. I wanted to do something, anything to make the pain stop, but I was too scared to move. I wanted to reach out and comfort him, but he was too far away. I felt like all I could do was stand there and watch. 

My grandma was filled with sadness and grief as she witnessed her son suffer. She wished she could take away his pain, and I did too. However, all she could do was stand by helplessly and watch as her son's hope and spirit drained out of them from him. It was an eye-watering sight we would never forget. 

“Nothing to fear my dear,” my mother said to me. “There is nothing to fear.”

“He’s dying, Svati.” My grandmother said, “Don’t lie to your daughter.”

My mother stayed silent as my grandmother ranted. My mother had always been a peacemaker, but this time she could not defuse the situation. She looked away, her expression reflecting regret. I could tell she wanted to leave. We all did. We all sat awkwardly until my grandmother finished her tirade. We said our goodbyes and left, the tension still in the air. My mother's silence spoke volumes. As we left, I could see the sadness in my mother's eyes. I knew she wanted to make things better, but this time it was out of her control. We all hugged goodbye, still feeling the weight of the heavy atmosphere. The finality of it all had been hard to take in, but it was even harder to leave. In the end, Mom decided to stay with Grandma, but I couldn't bear being near him, so I called an Uber and left. 

On the car ride home, I felt overwhelmingly hopeless and helpless. I tried to hold back my tears, but I couldn't help but cry when I got home. I knew things would never be the same again, and I was scared of the unknown. I had no idea what the future held for our family, and I was terrified of the uncertainty. I felt helpless and alone, wishing I had some control over my life and the future of my family. All I could do was cry, and hope that everything would work out in the end.

I eventually composed myself and took a few deep breaths. I understood that I could not control the future, and the only thing I could do was take each day as it came. I knew I had to stay strong and be there for my family, no matter what happened. I had to be there for myself too considering I still had half of the school year left.

When I did end up coming back to school a week later, all everyone did was stare at me. I felt so embarrassed and scared that I wanted to run away. I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but inside I was crumbling. I felt so alone and like I had no one to turn to. I couldn't help but feel that maybe I deserve the stares.

“It can be very difficult to face the judgment of others, especially when we feel like we don't have anyone to turn to for support. Ivanna told me. She was a girl in my biology class that I was always partnered with during projects. “The feeling of loneliness can make us feel like we're facing our struggles alone and that can be a very intimidating experience.” 

All people said to me all day was “I’m sorry for your loss” or “Is there anything that I can do?” 

What the hell? They were all just pretending to care. I had been surrounded by fake friends who had only been interested in me for the sympathy points that they could gain from it. They had never been genuine or sincere, and I had been too naive to realize it. After realizing this, I cut off contact with them and started focusing on the relationships that were actually genuine and beneficial to me. 

After school today, my friends Caleb and Amira came up to me before I went on the bus. “They’re just trying to be nice, you know.”

“Yeah,” Amira agreed. “They don’t mean any harm.”

“Oh shut up.”

“Excuse me?”

“Amira, she just needs space-”

“I don’t give a damn about what she wants!” Amira blurted out. “No one cares, Caleb!”

“Yeah sure, say that in front of the person you’re shit talking!”

“As a matter of fact, I will Avani.” She kept talking. “All you’ve done is be a bitch since you’re dad died, using it as an excuse to fuck around with other people-”

“Oh please-”

“Don’t interrupt me while I’m talking to you!”

We argued for minutes and minutes on end. Neither of us wanted to back down or give in, as we both felt strongly about our points of view. She didn't budge. What the hell was she thinking talking to me that way when she knew how much I already had on my plate? I was getting frustrated. I wanted her to understand my perspective, but she just kept pushing back. I took a deep breath and decided to try again, but she wouldn't listen. We had been going back and forth for what felt like ages, and I was starting to feel overwhelmed by the situation.

I wanted to be done with it. 

I wanted to be done with all of it. I felt like the world was against me and I had no other way out. I was so desperate to escape the pain and sadness that I had been living with for so long. I thought that if I ended my life, I would be able to find the peace and happiness that I had been looking for. I thought that if I could just end my suffering, I would be able to find some solace. I thought that if I could just get away from my problems, I would be able to start fresh and find the peace and happiness that I had been looking for. But I soon realized that death would not be my escape. It would only create more pain and suffering for my loved ones, and it would not bring me the peace and serenity I was looking for. So instead, I chose to live and to work through my pain and sadness.

But not even that was enough.