A Love Lost

Life is a struggle, especially with this Simon shaped hole in her heart. `God, how she misses him’, she dreams of him often and wakes all upset realizing she has to let him go all over again. They’re dreams she doesn’t want to wake from as she never wanted to let him go in the first place. They were pulled apart before she was ready to leave; they have unfinished business.

Her heart constantly feels as though it’s weeping. It’s yearned for him ever since that last day they said goodbye to each other at the train station.  In the early hours of the morning he walked her hand in hand carrying her case with his free hand. He was always a true gent in this way.  She gazed down at her hand in his and smiled, taking a mental image to remember for all eternity. He passionately kissed her goodbye and she reluctantly released his hand. She boarded the train and sat sobbing her heart out as the train departed, knowing this was the last time she would ever see him. 

They’d met in University, around a pool table they were instantly drawn to each other. Both their faces lit up smiling at each other.  The chemistry between them was so strong, the whole bar room could have exploded if a match had been struck. A torch had definitely been lit in her heart Bette could feel it, he made her happy instantaneously.

At the time, unfortunately Bette was with someone else, Gaz.  But she wasn’t happy with him; she knew they weren’t right together.  Gaz had lied about his age when they met, not a good start to any relationship. At the young age of eighteen and looking for her first proper relationship she had wanted to date an older man. Gaz said `he was nineteen’, when unbeknown to her, he showed her a fake ID. In fact, he had only just turned seventeen.  Soon as she uncovered the truth about how young he actually was, she had wanted to end things with him.  But her sister and brother-in-law had convinced her to give him a chance.  `Boy how she wished she’d not listened to them’.

Simon feeling the pull to Bette challenged them both to a game of doubles with him and his best friend Martin. They laughed and flirted the afternoon away.  After that first meeting in the bar they met again at the University’s Valentine Ball.  As Simon slow danced with her, the rest of the room clouded over and all she could see was him. As he leant forward and kissed her passionately fireworks exploded within her heart causing a surge of warmth within; in that moment her heart was full. When they were alone after the Ball Simon told Bette `it was obvious to him that they were soul mates as they had so much in common.  As they were both into playing musical instruments and shared a huge love of playing pool’. Bette believed this as every sentence she started Simon would finish as if they were two halves of the same person. From then on Bette would constantly visit Simon in the IT Department with her best friend Chloe. She’d also watch and cheer him on as he played his Bass Guitar with his Band in the regular Battle of the Bands competitions, she was his biggest fan. She was like a giddy teenager completely besotted with him. Looking back now she realizes he was her first true love. They say you never forget your first and they’d be right. Bette’s love for Simon, to this day twenty odd years on is borderline obsession, a long term infatuation! 

Shortly after this meet, just as their relationship was blooming, Bette realized she was 2-3 months pregnant and told Simon this.  He urged her to stay with the baby’s father Gaz, as it was the right thing to do. Her heart shattered into a million pieces, she didn’t love Gaz she loved Simon. Shortly after this Simon was sent away on a placement as part of his course.  But he continued to write to Bette often; sweet letters promising to have a soft fizzy drink with her and bump over a couple of games of pool.  Bette eagerly counted down the days to his return and they enjoyed a fair few games and soft drinks together until the University broke up for summer holidays. Over the break the baby was born.

She lost contact with Simon after this and it was a few years before she finally split with Gaz.  But soon as she had been single six months she contacted the University once more to reach out to Simon. He had moved, as he had finished his studies but the University forwarded him Bette’s email address.  He sent Bette an email explaining where he was living now. She realized she’d have to get three trains and it would take the best part of three and a half hours to get there but it was worth it to see him again. The ball of nerves from her excitement was bubbling over. She spent six months, in a state of delirium. She pined for him all week, as she eagerly waited for each weekend for them to be together again. Her excitement would increase with each passing day as the end of the week beckoned.  They went out for meals, laughed, chatted and sat listening to music drinking wine. They’d play lots of pool together and Simon would come behind Bette and help her with her aim.

They would take it in turns to visit each other as it was so far to go. Over the six months the journeys became more and more taxing.  It was getting really hard to maintain, physically exhausting, emotionally draining, but in Bette’s eyes it was totally worth it.  Even though she’d leave work travel straight down of a Friday evening and then travel straight back into work on the Monday morning.  But this wasn’t why they ended. It was because Gaz had gotten a hold of Simon’s number off Bette’s phone and rung to threaten him. He told Simon `he’d break both his legs if he didn’t stop seeing Bette immediately’ stating that `he’d give them the following weekend to say their goodbyes’.  A real cheek seeing that they were no longer together as a couple and her new relationship with Simon had nothing at all to do with Gaz.

On that last Sunday night, Simon said “shall we have sex one last time to say goodbye properly?”

Bette passionately kissed Simon and he gently lay her down on his bed, making love to her softly and slowly. Bette savored every second, in this moment she was the happiest she’d ever be. On the Monday morning as he kissed her goodbye for the final time, Bette locked all the memory of this minute of her life, away in her heart to revisit as and when she needed. As the years passed without Simon, the longing to be held and touched by him and the pure sadness of never seeing him again for real, cut away at her heart. Leaving a deep Simon shaped hole that would never be filled, no matter what she would do.  

Simon was a love lost but never forgotten.