Unbinding the Ties

 Unbinding the Ties

           So, apparently all emotions that we experience don’t have names that can be immediately identified. At least not at first. Emotions become tricky things at the least expected moment. They are especially tricky when dealing with family members.

The word “family” conjures up a wide range of emotions as an idea and a concept. People talk about coming from a good family or bad family. We often define ourselves based on the family we come from or individual members in it. There are what we call immediate family members as well as extended ones. Whatever the case, there are no doubt traits that are universally recognized to be the hallmark of family members. Love. Trust. Support. Fill in your own blank. Unfortunately, too many of us get our ideas and ideals about family from television and movies. Sometimes to our idealistic peril.

The cousins had been close ever since birth. They were a short two months apart by birth, and shared a similar sense of humor and way of looking at the world. Initially they lived in the same city, but time and military deployments, as it so often does, conspired to separate them. Nevertheless they got to see each other at family reunions and on the regular yearly or so trips that their parents arranged. During these trips their relationship grew and managed to stay mostly positive in spite of other family dynamics that were less so. Like so many families, there was dysfunction which manifested itself in alcoholism, unwed births, adultery, and even whispers of incest and murder. Both cousins, however, took solace in their shared sense of humor and later in their shared interest in the arts. They both had a flair for the dramatic and sometimes entertained each other as well as the family with their singing, dancing, and acting. This would be the thing that both bound them and got them to strike out on their own.

On one of the trips that they often took together, one of them suggested that they move away. Far away. The move would be from the Deep South to the California coast. This would hardly be a trivial move either logistically or ideologically. They had in the interim both performed in local theater and in bands and other creative outlets. Furthermore, the military experience they had dealt with gave them the push and the courage they needed to make the move they were considering. Furthermore, this move would take a lot of unconditional love, trust, and support. As it would turn out, neither of them would be ready for the psychological, financial, and emotional challenges that would be awaiting them.

The conflict came early. And often. One of the cousins was a male and one was a female and those distinctions did not matter until they had to begin to navigate a living space and exist—more or less—as a couple. They both began to discover things about the other that had gone heretofore unnoticed and, therefore, undiscussed. It came as quite a shock to both of their systems. Many things had been discussed prior to the move, but there are things that just don’t come up until you live day in and day out with someone. In fact, this situation became very much like a marriage much to the surprise and dismay of the male.

It was the female of the two that actually suggested the move as it was her home life that was ostensibly the worse of the two. She had felt trapped, mistreated, and unloved by her parents more so than the guy. She had a more compelling reason and much more urgency to leave home. She probably would not have even gone unless he had. Of the two she had the more outgoing and may I say more “alpha” personality. That was the cause of many of the domestic disagreements. While the money and chores was to be split 50/50, too much negotiating had to be done over what he considered minor purchases. And she thought he was far too wasteful on what she considered unnecessary purchases. At one point, they decided that even though they weren’t married, marriage counseling might be a good idea just to work out the relational kinks. That’s how bad it got.

Less than two months in, they decided that they couldn’t live together anymore and they decided to move to separate places. They may have separated sooner, but part of moving out together and living in the same place was economic.

Soon enough, her alpha nature became too much for him to deal with, and he became less and less talkative and less and less honest about his thoughts and feelings. He began to feel like this was an entirely different person. The humor was the same and the goals may have been the same, but there was an unexpected personality clash that overshadowed everything. He decided that it was time to move back home. Furthermore, the relationship to the immediate and extended family became strained as well. It came further to a head after he decided to move back home.

Shortly after his returning home, she revealed a long held family secret that few had known, but that she had learned (and was asked not to reveal) from another family member. Another family member that was thought to have one father actually had another. She also threatened to “blow this family up” by sending a letter to the wife of an uncle revealing possible incest. The relationship became more and more strained and strange. Conversations took on a very different texture and tone. Not only could he not talk to her as they had before, but they could barely have a conversation about family without it devolving into something negative. She began to disparage everyone in the family, but he wanted healing and reconciliation. It would be a difficult conversation to have.

They had been bound together by familial ties and a common outlook on the world. Unfortunately, this particular tie needed to be undone.