Another Round

Click. The gun didn’t fire. Mark held it to his temple for a couple of seconds to see if it would go off. It didn’t. He pulled the gun down and looked at it. It was a Taurus model 605 revolver in 357 caliber. He opened the cylinder and pulled out the single round and examined it. The primer was clearly dented from the firing pin. Out of the thousands of ammo rounds he had loaded in his basement, he picked the one that didn’t go off. Just one more failure in his life, he could hear his wife in his ear. “You can’t even kill yourself properly, why did I ever marry you.”

His vision narrowed and he felt like he was falling as he realized what happened. Hands trembling, he put the gun down, not wanting to touch it again. Sweating, clammy, heart racing, he took a deep shaky breath and could not bear the thought of trying again.

Curios, he took the defective bullet to the reloading bench against the wall of his basement like a priest carrying a religious artifact. He grabbed the bullet puller die, installed the correct collet and dismantled the round. The powder did not look clumpy, like it got wet. He pressed out the primer and found the problem, no yellow paste in the primer. A manufacturing defect.

He grabbed another round from the container and dismantled that round. That primer had yellow paste. He took apart another, and another and another. Three hours later he had examined 1,001 rounds. Every single other primer had the yellow paste in it. Only one, the one he picked to end his life, did not. “How does that happen?” He asked out loud. The empty house stayed silent.

Mark sat there, looking at the mess of dismantled ammo spread across the bench. He realized he wasn’t supposed to die today. He was not sure why he felt that way, but he wanted to find out. He needed to talk to someone. “The flyer,” he said out loud.

He went upstairs to the living room. A couch and old TV on a milk crate was all that was left. The guest bedroom furniture, a few pots and pans, and his clothes comprised the rest of his possessions. His footsteps echoed on the hardwood floors as he made his way to the bedroom and got the flyer off the dresser. He found it on the street outside the courthouse. It was for a suicide survivors meeting. It was tonight at 1001 Church street. He looked at his watch and thought he could just make it.

Later, he stood outside the church trying to muster the nerve to go inside. It was a struggle. He thought about what he tired to do in his basement on the bus ride over. Read the flyer over and over again. Families of suicide victims. He didn’t fit the bill. He lit a cigarette and leaned on the lamp pole, not sure what to do.

It was getting dark, the street was deserted, the light flickered on and he jumped. There was another man watching him, wearing a nice suit and a somber face. Around Mark’s age, in his fifties. The man nodded to him and walked over, looked at the Church and back at Mark. “Are you here for the meeting?”

Mark looked at the doors and back at the man and took a drag of his cigarette. “I don’t think this meeting is for me.”

The man nodded in agreement. “Yea, I thought the same thing.” The man pointed across the street. “There is a bar over there, want to get a drink and talk about it? I’m buying.”

Mark didn’t notice the bar earlier. There was a door in the building by the ally. “Why are you here?”

“I was in your shoes a long time ago, but it feels like just yesterday.” The man reached out for a handshake. “My name is Carl.”

Mark grabbed his hand, Carl had a firm handshake. “Mark”

“How about that drink, Mark?” The man started across the street to the bar. Mark hesitated, then followed him.

They walked through the door into a dimly lit room. There was an old pool table in the middle of the floor, the wood banisters well worn from age. The bar ran the length of the wall on the right. There were tables scattered around the room and a small stage in the back that was dark. There were a couple of guys sitting at the bar and an old bartender talking to them. Carl ordered two beers and they sat down at a table in the corner.

Carl took a sip of his beer. “So why don’t you tell me why you were standing outside the church?”

Mark took a sip of his beer and looked at Carl, he didn’t want to admit why he was there. “’I’m going through a divorce.”

Carl nodded. “Divorce is always tough, tell me about it.”

Mark sighed, and stared into his beer, watching the bubbles float to the top.

“We were together twenty years. The first half was good. We were in love and happy. Then things started to fall apart. We started fighting more, I wanted kids, she didn’t. Money was tight and we fought about spending. She didn’t like any of my friends, or my family, so they all drifted away. Then the criticism started. I didn’t make enough money, the house wasn’t nice enough, I wasn’t good at anything. It took a toll on me. I found myself in a dark place with no way out.”

Carl nodded like he understood.

“I know that dark place, I’ve been there. For me, it felt like I was drowning in a dark thick fog and I was desperate for it to end.”

“I did try to end it.” Mark whispered. Tears formed in the corner of his eyes as he stared into the empty glass, unable to look at Carl.

“I suspected something like that.” Carl’s tone was full of sympathy. “I’ll get us a couple more beers.”

Carl left the table and Mark tried to pull himself together. He wiped the corners of his eyes, took a deep breath and let it out. For some reason, he felt better. Carl returned and gave Mark another glass of beer.

Mark took a drink of his beer and looked at Carl.

“You said you suspected something like that. How did you know?”

Carl took a long drink of his beer, put down a half empty glass and got a far away look in his eyes. “I was in your shoes, a very long time ago, but it feels like just yesterday. I was in that dark place you talked about. Someone showed me a way out. How to start over.” Carl look at Mark, his face serious. “What would you do? If you had a second chance?”

Mark took another drink of his beer and remembered that day. “I thought about this a lot over the years. There was a point in my life, I was thirty. It was finals week in college. There was a girl in my class. Mia. She was always friendly to me. I had just started dating my future wife and we were already having problems. I was in a car wreck that day and late for finals. Afterwards, outside, I saw Mia walking up to me. I felt, in that moment, that this could be life changing, that I should ask her out. I chickened out and didn’t do it. I blew it. Because I was afraid she would say no. I would have liked to see how my life turned out if I had asked her out, if she said yes. Maybe we could have had some kids.”

Carl just nodded and smiled like he reached a decision.

Mark finished the last of his beer and started to feel sleepy. “Man, these beers are catching up to me. I only had two.”

Carl downed the rest of his beer and stood up. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

Carl led Mark out of the bar. There was a sedan parked by the curb and Carl helped Mark into the passenger side. Carl got in and Mark could hardly keep his eyes open. Carl pulled out as Mark’s eyes slid closed.

Mark woke up with a splitting headache. He rolled out of bed and started across the room to the bathroom and found a wall instead. He looked around in confusion, his eyes bleary and saw the door on the other side of the room. He stumbled through the door into a hallway and found the bathroom. Something wasn’t right. He relieved himself, washed his hands and splashed water on his face. He looked in the mirror and was shocked to see a chiseled face with think dark hair. His grey hairs, saggy skin and wrinkles were gone. He looked around and saw his old bathroom in his old apartment from twenty years ago.

Mark stepped out of the bathroom and confirmed he was in his old apartment. He remembered his life, his marriage and divorce, what he tried to do, going to the church, meeting Carl. He didn’t know how he ended up in his old apartment. Was his life all a dream? It seemed so real.

Walking out to the kitchen, Mark looked at the calendar on the wall. The days were crossed off, it was May 2005. It was finals week. He was going to be late for his exam. He hurried to get dressed.

Driving in his red 1992 Firebird, he thought about the conversation with Carl about the accident. He was coming up to the intersection where it happened and slowed down, even though the light was green. The car on his left passed him and Mark saw the truck was going to run the red light. He stopped before the intersection. The truck, coming from the right, hit the other car, smashing the fender.

Mark put on his hazard lights and got out of his car. The two other drivers were arguing, only the last time, it was Mark arguing with Dave, the driver of the truck. Mark was starting to think that the events from last night were not a dream.

The last time, Mark hit the back of Dave’s truck after Dave ran the red light. The other car drove off undamaged. Dave sued Mark claiming it was Mark’s fault and Dave hurt his neck. It was Mark’s word against Dave’s and Mark lost.

Now the tables were turned. Mark approached the guy that got hit and pulled him to the side. “I saw the whole thing. Our light was green, Dave ran the red light. Here is my name and number if you need a witness, in case he tries to sue you or say it’s your fault. I’m late for finals and I gota go.”

The guy shook Mark’s hand. “Thanks, I appreciate that. My name is Ted.”

“Alright Ted, wish we met on better circumstances, but I gota go.”

Mark got back in his car and could not shake the memory of the accident with Dave. It cost him so much money and stress. All the problems he had as a result of that accident were gone. He kept thinking about Carl on his way to campus.

He got to campus earlier this time. Did better on his finals. After the test, he left the building and stood outside waiting for Mia. He knew she would be along eventually. When he saw her come around the corner, his heart skipped a beat. Here he was, at that life changing moment he missed the last time. Mia walked up to him.

“Hi Mark, how did you do on your finals?”

“I did better than last time.”

Mia looked at him with confusion and Mark realized his mistake.

“Mia, I wanted to ask you, um, would you like to go out sometime?” There, he did it. He asked her. He waited nervously for her answer.

Mia’s confusion turned into a smile and she blushed. “I was beginning to think you would never ask me out.”

“So is that a yes?”

Mia nodded. “Yes, that’s a yes.”

Tears welled up in the corner of his eyes and Mark stepped in and embrace Mia in a hug. “I’ve waited a lifetime to hear you say that.”

Mia hugged him back. “What do you mean, I saw you just last week.” She pulled back and saw the tears in his eyes and looked concerned. “Mark, what’s wrong?”

Mark smiled at her. “Nothing’s wrong, I’m just happy you said yes.” He took her hand in his and started walking to his car. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride home.”

Mia gripped his hand, smiled and walked with him. “I always wanted to go for a ride in your car. I life Firebirds.”

Mark smiled and knew he life was about to change.