my heart just DID NOT UNDERSTAND

My heart I just didn’t understand it, it was the one thing that kept me alive but also deprived me of so much in life because it was always to big and beating to strong for so long. I felt like I was alien stuck in the wrong world where everyone laughed at me making me see that who I was, was nothing but joke to the people who could not see that this was just me. I couldn’t change who I was and hated when I had to only a few knew who I really was. I couldn’t understand why all I could think about was love even though it was so hard to obtain.

I dreamed about how the love from the right person would feel instead all I got was someone who would steal my dreams and break my heart. I really was a broken girl who had the superpower to love and heal yet I could find that right person to build I life with. Pain had change me so bad that all I could see is a world that traded a love that heals to a love that destroys everything. I tried so hard to be who I was in a world that showed people it was easier being fake. So nobody ever showed true emotion acting like they didn’t need love , when we all know love is a true blessing from above .

Why did my heart have to be broken so bad for it to be even considered as a token of love for anybody. How long will I have to live with the feeling that who I was, was killing me from the inside out. Why did people love the thought of experiencing me but never really see forever with me ? Was I unable and undeserving of love maybe I had it all wrong and I really wasn’t so strong and love for me just would never happen .

I was a woman who loved , love and did want to feel ashamed about it . I didn’t want someone to love me in all the wrong ways and confuse my mind into thinking it’s right. I didn’t want a loved that I poured into and all I got in the end was shattered pieces of my heart . I don’t want to help someone grow into the best version they could be while all I did was deplete , loosing all the better parts of me .

I continue to pray that the right person will come along. I know this person will match my goofy and energy and all. They will be ready to learn me and my true hearts desire and have no problem in doing what is required to win my heart. They will see me for who I’am and love me for who I’am I know than I will finally have the chance to be free.

Even though I feel weird in this world I will fight my hardest to continue to be me. Until that day that someone comes along and sets me free , free from a world that never let me be me. So even though I don’t understand my heart maybe I need to start to understand that everything that’s meant for me will be .

The sun came up beaming so bright but I just couldn’t get out of bed even with me using all of might. The thoughts that were in my head kept me up all night and made it hard for me to sleep. They caused me to toss and turn with all the worry and concern I had in my heart. My head was pounding and this alarm was not helping and definitely not enough to get me out of bed.

I was suffering from depression so bad, I was sad almost all the time while everyone just figured I was fine never really having a clue of what’s was happening to me. I learned to fake a smile for so long that I even started to believe that this happy version was being me. I pretended to be the strong one always there for others but when I looked back I could almost always bet I was the only one who would save me. I had such a big heart it was always shown from the start thinking this would make people love me. It took me a long time to realize nobody was ready for me.

I asked myself over and over why God would make me so different in a world were not on soul understood me. I wanted to believe so bad that I had a gift and God wanted me to use it to heal. All that ran through my mind was making this world a better place. I wanted to make a place where everyone could be free. I just couldn’t comprehend why he would choose me to do this task, God please I ask that you take these task away from me , I don’t how much longer I can make this my duty it was doing everything but making me feel seen, I felt unappreciated and taking for a joke , please God can’t you see I’m almost near letting go. I kept hearing a voice in my heart telling me if this is the thoughts that keep coming in my mind then that’s who I was and just what I needed to do.

I felt so burnt out from everything that was required of me. Energy exchange is real and it had the power to kill all the love you had inside of you. I thought about love just the same which made me feel so strange asking myself “ What the hell was wrong with you “ the minute I met someone I would become distracted with all they could be. I always choose to see the good in people even though the bad inside would be screaming back at me. I wanted to believe that I had what it took to heal someone’s soul so they would have a change to be truly happy. I guess I thought I was filled with enough love to trust that some would be left to pour back into me. They the day comes and they leave because I achieved my goal and they finally saw what I saw and now they were onto the next to use what I gave them, to someone else who was not me. I knew this was always apart of the plan but it broke me to see them moving on with me .

These are the thoughts that run through my head that me confined to my bed. I was tired of feeling this way hoping and praying just one person would be the strong one for a changed releasing me of this duty. I held on tight to the fact that who I was , was not the reason behind all the lost I felt it had caused me. I started to get annoyed when my head told me that’s the risk you take when we love broken people. Can you see the madness of my heart confusing my mind, they were constantly at war and that’s exactly why I couldn’t sleep.

See I had enough knowledge to understand why I was picked to do what was ask of me. It just didn’t make it any easier to understand why I couldn’t be the part in someone else’s journey . Were they loved me and helped me out of these bad days when I felt like the weight of the world was crashing so hard of me I just really wanted a me for me if only one time it would be they way I wanted instead.

These thoughts made me feel so alone it was becoming harder not to give in to the devil telling me to give up. My soul was bold but I was tired of doing all this pretending I can’t do it anymore. The crazy thing no matter how bad I feel I knew I would never stop fighting to help other people. Even thought sometimes their joy and happiness would make me sad and bring me to knees as I watch them grow and they just go on forgetting about me and the love we shared. So even though my thoughts are always running wild I’m just going to continue to lay in my bed and write my feelings down on paper instead. Hoping one day these same thought would inspire someone anyone to never get lost on the thought that who you are is why this would felt so cruel to you .