Bittersweet Memories

I plopped down on my old comfy sofa and pressed the power button on the remote. It had been a long day at work and I was ready to unwind with a glass of wine and watch my favorite comfort show. In an involuntary action, I also opened up Instagram and started scrolling through the posts of my friends, family, ads and complete strangers that posted about things I liked. My eyes stuck on a new suggested person to follow. It was Brennan, my high school boyfriend. My mind flashed back to our first kiss…

I was with Cheri, my best friend, and we were walking into a building together. It was a combination restaurant slash event hall that had been rented by our school for this social gathering of our sophomore class. We passed through the restaurant portion and back towards the dance floor; It was the primary source of light. The rest of the place was very dimly lit. The carpets were a deep maroon and practically ate up any light that dared to touch it. The walls were not much better. It looked like the kind of place that had been the social center of families back in the fifties. Now it was struggling to stay in business and renting out to the local high-schools to stay afloat. My classmates were dancing to the DJ’s mixes of the latest popular dance songs. The chaperones and other students were congregating at the food and drink tables on the side.

Brennan was already there and we locked eyes momentarily. He was dressed casually with baggy jeans and a button up shirt. He wore his red hair very short, practically a buzz cut. His cheeks were always slightly rosy and it was no different this evening. He didn’t come over immediately. I had joined my other friends and we became deep into our conversation. He mingled with his friends as well from a distance. Both of us making fleeting glances, monitoring each other’s whereabouts. We were locked in some sort of young love mating process that I knew nothing about. Would he come talk to me? Should I talk to him first? How long do I wait? The questions floated around my head as I talked with my friends.

There had been many moments leading up to this one. Brennan wasted no time expressing his interest in me during our very first semester of high-school. A boy interested in me was not something I was prepared for and neither were my parents. I was honestly okay with it when my parents said I couldn’t date until I was sixteen; it gave me an easy way to let him down. We remained friends though. He seemed inclined to wait the two years. We bonded over music mostly. Before classes, we would draw the logos of the bands we liked on each other's notebooks and talk about our favorite music videos. He would tell me about playing the guitar and starting a band. I was not nearly as interesting and I thought he was just the personification of cool.

Now here we are. Sneaking looks at each other from across the room. I could tell something was coming but not quite sure what. It was still months before I would be sixteen. What could possibly happen before then, I thought to myself.

Eventually, he crossed the room and asked if I wanted to dance. I shrugged my shoulders as if to say, “yeah sure, no big deal”, but it also was a really big deal! The DJ was playing a rap song and so we just danced around each other without making any contact at first. Then came that very cliche moment when the upbeat party song turns into a slow song and all the teenage couples pair off. 

I stood there frozen, not sure how this was going to go, but Brennan had all the confidence in the world. He quickly put his arms around my middle and I followed with my arms on his shoulders.I didn’t know where to focus my attention so I looked anywhere but his face at first. I searched the sides for my friends but I was having trouble focusing; I couldn’t make out anyone’s faces. It was like I was in a room full of strangers except for him. Halfway through the song I was still trying to figure out how I felt about all this, but it was very clear how he felt judging by what was happening below his waist. I didn’t let on that I knew what it was, and he didn’t say anything. 

I found myself staring at his mouth. Overall he was an attractive teenage boy and had a nice face.It was kind and he had the cutest freckles along his cheeks and nose. But his lips were the best part. They were relaxed but strong, like they would hang on to mine if they met. Just the right size, not too thin, not too puffy. They were parted just slightly enough to see a tiny speck of his front teeth, like an invitation inside. Just looking at those lips drew me in closer. I’m not sure if he could tell what I was thinking or if he just thought, “now or never”, but he closed that gap between our mouths. 

It was a long kiss. At least, it felt like a long kiss. It might have been five seconds. I had no clue what I was doing. He led the way and seemed like he knew what he was doing. I wondered if he had practiced this or if it was just some instinct guiding him. He moved his tongue and I felt it graze over my teeth and tongue. The feelings were…odd. I liked the kissing but not sure how I was feeling about the tongue bit. Nothing else around us seemed to be happening. I could still hear the music but it was faint. Even after the kissing stopped, I could only see him for a few seconds. He looked content with what happened. Not in a cocky pleased with himself sort of way, but content like something he’d been hoping for had just manifested itself. I was happy as well. I had nothing to compare it to but it certainly seemed nice, except for all that tongue.

…The theme song of the show interrupted my trip down memory lane. I tossed my phone next to me and took a sip of wine. As the show continued,I felt both delighted and downhearted at this memory that had been triggered. We never made it beyond high-school but my days of wondering what if had come and gone. I was in my 40s now and was lucky and living a decently happy life. I hoped that was the case for him as well.