Some Broken Things

CW: This piece contains mentions of several sensitive topics, including themes of mental health issues, child abuse/neglect, and sexual harassment. Viewer discretion is heavily advised.

Mom,

I know we haven’t spoken in a few years, but I wanted to say this before I no longer have the chance. I can’t forgive you for the things you put me through— the screaming, the academic pressure, the neglect of my medical concerns—but I can at least appreciate what you did do that was good, which was giving me a roof over my head and food to eat. Thank you for giving me somewhere to live before I was able to go out on my own. I suppose I’m lucky I had a mother in my life and Kyler and I weren’t orphaned after dad passed. We are both broken people, but you were there, and, if nothing else, I’ll give you appreciation for that, at least.

Love,

Lana 

***

To my little Kyler,

It’s insane to me that you’re almost done with senior year! It seems that just yesterday you were eight years old tugging on my shirt to get me to pay attention to the remote controlled car in the toy shop window. You’ll probably say I sound stupid saying that and I know I do, but really, how time flew. You’re only a few weeks away from getting out of this town and having fun in college— aerospace engineering is a pretty awesome major, nerd. 

Thank you for not being too difficult over the years, though I know we faced some rough times. Thank you as well for not letting the dark times consume you like they consumed me. I know you were hurt by them too, but your light always seemed to burn brighter every day. I’m glad you’re doing so much better now. I’m sorry I left you behind in that broken house when I finally got to college five years ago and I understand if you’re still upset with me, but I hope you’ll understand that I couldn’t bear to be in that place any longer. I’m sorry I couldn’t be enough for you. I’m also sorry I won’t make it to your graduation—something came up and I’m not able to back out of it. Send me photos, okay?

All my love,

La La

***

Hey, Talia,

Thank you for sticking by me all these years, even when I wanted the world to isolate me and let me shrivel into nothingness. You were my light in the darkness especially in high school, when the bullies wouldn’t lay off and my grades were making friends with the dust bunnies under the bookshelves. You’re the reason I managed to pass my classes and got those boys to back off—I’ll never be able to truly repay you for finally getting them caught that afternoon when they dragged me off to the bathroom, pinned me to the wall, and forced themselves onto me. If it weren’t for you, that would’ve all devolved into a nightmare worse than it already was. Without you, I never would have known a life outside of survival, and our trips to the movies, fairs, and campsites are among my favorite memories. I also appreciate you letting Kyler tag along so he wouldn’t be left out. From tutoring me after school to being my shoulder to cry on in the darkest of times, there was no length you wouldn’t go for me—you brought light back to my broken spirit. I know I haven’t seen you in a while, but I’ll see you soon. I’ll hopefully see you tonight if everything goes according to plan. 

Endless love and appreciation,

The Lana-nator

***

My dearest Devon, 

How could I ever thank you for everything you did for me? You took my broken heart and treated it with a gentleness I’d never experienced. When I first met you and realized my feelings for you, I avoided you, assuming you’d run once you figured out I wasn’t some Hallmark movie girl. Fortunately for me, it was nearly impossible to avoid your messy pink-blonde hair and derpy smile, and you were insistent on taking me out, so it was no wonder I finally got swept up in the thrilling—yet sometimes nauseating—feeling of love. I expected it all to go sour, yet it never did. To this day, it shocks me how you managed to stay patient even when I was actively shoving you further and further away from me, when I was so terrified of being hurt again that I made up in my mind that the best way to avoid it was cutting myself off from you. You seemed to see through that. I’m so grateful you did.

Thank you for getting along so well with Talia, even with your clashing opinions on pizza toppings and video game stats, haha. I also love how you treated Kyler like your own little brother— no amount of money will ever repay you for the unplanned babysitting and surprise gifts at every turn. I was never your perfect girl, but you were the perfect guy. It took time, but I stopped doubting your love for me over the past eight and a half years of our lives. 

It pains me to do this to you, my dear, and I’m so sorry this is how it has to turn out, but I’m yours forever and always. I love you to the moon and back, baby. 

XOXO,

Your Lana

***

Dr. Isabella Heart,

I know I laughed when you suggested making gratitude cards a few months back, but I recently realized how good of an idea they actually were, and you deserve one most of all. You were the first and only therapist I ever went to because I never trusted anybody else, which is funny considering I practically knew nothing about you before we started making appointments—one quick search on Google for the nearest therapist was all I was going off of. From the start, you took me seriously and didn’t just brush off my issues as being “dramatic” and “childlike” like I feared you might. You really did help me a lot and you gave me a few more years in this twisted world. Thank you for giving me more time with Kyler, pushing me to put in the work with Talia to get through school, and allowing myself to be freely in love with Devon. Thank you for not forcing me to forgive my mother when I couldn’t find it in me to do so and thank you for helping me finally accept that there was nothing I could have done about my father’s passing. You did a lot for a broken mind, but there was still something in there that could never be right again, a crack that ran so deep into my psyche that it slowly destroyed everything we’d worked so hard to repair. My world is in shades of gray and it’s difficult to gauge which actions are genuine and which ones are simply me going through the motions. I’m physically and emotionally numb and I don’t know what triggered it, but it won’t turn off— it’s been weeks. You did all you could, but some broken things can never be fixed, and I can no longer wait for them to fix themselves. I can’t bear another second in this world, so I’m removing myself from it. 

Thank you for all you did. Please don’t dwell on me too long or believe you failed me; I failed myself, and it’s all right. You did everything right. Thank you for being my therapist.

See you soon,

Miss Lana